Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Just Do It

All my life, I've had this problem with not being able to follow through with (or actually get off my butt and do) things. Even as a child, this was problematic for me. I would want something or to be something, but I was lax in the follow-through.

I can only remember two times in my life when I actually had the conscious thought to change something about my life and then actually do it.

The first time, I think I was 21 or 22. I had been hanging out with the same group of friends since high school. I even dropped out of college because the distance between me and these friends was too great. But the thing is - they were not good people. I suppose a few of them were fine, but as a whole - not good people. It was a gossipy, stab-you-in-the-back, sleep with your boyfriend type of crowd and honestly - it was not a healthy situation for me. So, one day, I'm on the couch watching Road Rules (the first season) and all of the sudden it hits me.

I think Kit is the greatest person on the face of the planet. She is a great big bundle of cute southern fun and she's getting nekkid at the nudist place and she's making out with boys she's just met and I WANT TO BE JUST LIKE HER.

So that very night, I called a co-worker with whom I was casually acquainted, and we went to a club where I didn't know ANYONE. It was so liberating. We drank and danced and gave out our "digits" and I never knew that life was supposed to be like this. I never, ever hung out with that group of high school friends again and had a really, really, great time in my twenties.

The second time was when I left my husband. Long story short - I realized that I had been unhappy for a very long time and he wasn't going to change. Things got a little scary one morning and I packed my son, my dog and a duffel bag with one change of clothes in it and I left him. I drove six hours home to my Grandma's house. I filed for divorce over the phone the next morning. Two weeks later, my Mom and I drove back to my house when I knew my husband would be gone and filled my car with as much of my son's and my belongings as humanly possible. Two days later my husband called me to tell me he was going to quit drinking and make it work. Three months later we moved in together again. I don't know if it's going to work. There are still things that really annoy me about him, and well, let's face it - I'm perfect. (I'm totally kidding about being perfect. As you'll soon find out - I'm obviously not)

Here's my point. In my twenties I was strong. I had a good career going. I was beginning to find my own way in the world. I was FUN. I didn't weigh close to 200 pounds and I didn't get pissed off when the kitchen was dirty. I didn't feel like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I used to work really hard and play even harder - not surf the internet all day and try not to get caught, only to come home and watch TV all night after my son goes to bed.

I'm looking for motivation and instead finding reasons why my life is not turning out the way I thought it should. I am seeing examples of people's lives that I envy - BADLY. I'm having a really hard time looking at my own life and seeing that it's at least decent (ie - my son is great, I have a job, I have a roof over my head, my husband quit drinking and is trying, really trying, to make our marriage work) and I'm only seeing the faults (um, can I tell you again how fat I am?).

I keep thinking it's time to wake up and do something to fix what's wrong. My problem is - I can't pinpoint what's wrong and therefore - can't fix it.


At 1/07/2005 02:01:00 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

You're going through a midlife crisis. I know, because I am too. I don't know why they always say midlife crisis occurs around 40. No way! It starts in your late 20s when you start realizing you're not always going to be young and energetic with the world as your oyster. I mean, logically, we all realize we're going to get older, but when it actually happens -- we're stupified! I am! I'll be 30 in July. I keep looking back on my life and seeing all the mistakes I made. "Shoulda done this, shoulda done that." I'm trying to find a career path I actually like and I'm finding I'm just as confused now as I was 10 years ago! Plus, I'm terrified of having kids, because then my life will no longer be my own. I won't need to accomplish anything for myself anymore (e.g. career, etc.) because my life will no longer matter. The age of the dinosaurs will be over and my kids will, hopefully, not make the mistakes I made. They'll get everything right!

At 1/07/2005 06:32:00 PM, Blogger tinkamarink said...

OMG I could have written this entire post! (well, except for the alcoholic husband but we managed to have serious problems without involving alcohol) I don't have any answers for you but wanted you to know that you aren't alone. Maybe it really is a mid-life crisis, I just know that I am completely disatisfied with every aspect of my life and I want to change it. Let me know if you figure out how to do that.

BTW, thanks for stopping by my site. I'd like to blogroll you so that I can keep in touch.


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