Sunday, January 09, 2005

Thank you strangers for all the wonderful unsolicited parenting advice.

It starts when you're pregnant. Perfect strangers come up to you at the grocery store and touch your belly. Clerks at the mall ask you when you're due. Co-workers want to know if there's more than one in there, I mean there has to be -because you're huge, you know. You are having natural labor, aren't you?

Then the child is born and all hell breaks loose on the unsolicited advice front. Is that formula you're feeding your sweet baby?? My God, don't you know that breastfed babies are healthier, smarter and more sexually desirable as adults? If you pick him up every time he cries, you're going to spoil him. Once you let him sleep in your bed once, you'll never get him to sleep in his own bed again.

And I could handle this unsolicited advice and usually could ignore it. I mean, these people didn't live in our house. They didn't know our situation and the intricate nuances that made our family click.

But lately, the unsolicited advice has been grating. Maybe it's because my son is going through the terrible twos and I find his behavior both frustrating and annoying. I don't want him to behave badly either, but he is two and he doesn't listen to us. I keep hoping it's a phase. Please God, let it be a phase.

So here's a big FUCK YOU to the two most recent offenders and a big THANK YOU to those who either smile and nod with solidarity or just keep their mouths shut.

FUCK YOU - to the bitch at Hobby Lobby. I was in line, my son was having a meltdown and I had him literally flung up over my shoulder. All I wanted to do was pay for my gift bag and stamp pad and get the hell out of there. There was a lady with a six or seven month old baby in a travel system paying at the register. The man in between us looked at my son and me and smiled with the "I've been there" look and turned to the lady paying and said "See what you have to look forward to?" and the bitch says to him, while looking at me "My child will never behave that way in public." All I could do was laugh at her and think to myself - that's what I used to think too, bitch. My son was an angel baby too.

FUCK YOU - to the fat, white trash family at IHOP who seemed to think that it was beyond belief that one two year old boy could say "Mine" so many times in two minutes. And who had to publicly make the comment that they were so glad their FIVE year old was so much better behaved than our little heathen. Well, people, if my son is still an asshole at FIVE - then I'm sure by then I'll be committed or in jail. And just for the record, even though I'm hopelessly unfashionable, I at least know that matching and personalized Mickey Mouse hoodies are not cool.

I feel better now.


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