Monday, February 28, 2005

Running Scared

The naked poker playing ladies let that last post go through because I posted their link. That and they know that if they hadn't I was going to chuck this stupid ass 6 year old computer out the window and my new one would have a better firewall and then they couldn't hijack me anymore.

Naked poker playing ladies are smarter than we (I) give them credit for.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Monday's

Our computer has picked up some nasty spyware. Everytime I try to publish a post here - it re-directs me to join a lovely group of naked women in a game of "Adult Poker". Then it dumps my new post that I've spent the last God-knows-how-long writing. No one loves a game of strip poker the way I do - but holy hell....I'm very rarely witty or funny and tonight I was.

Oh well, those lovely naked ladies are (I'm sure) enjoying my clever post on mothering and my new promotion. You can visit them and ask them about it at

Friday, February 25, 2005

I am a bad blogger

I haven't been able to post much this week. I didn't figure my first week at my new job was the best place to try and post - and when I get home I've had a sick husband and kid all week.

I feel especially bad, since I've been reading and keeping up with everyone - but I haven't had time to post comments. I have to say, Kristine - I loved your picture on self portrait day. How cool!

I am getting more and more acclimated to the new building. I think it's going to be a piece of cake once I have it all organized my way. It's so funny - the woman who's training me keeps telling me to do things "my way" and then when I do (like I had been at my other properties within the same company) it's "oh,no,no,no,no,that's not how we do it here". So I have to admit it's been a little frustrating, 'cause why tell me to do it "my way" in the first place, KWIM? But other than that one little quirk, I think the biggest hurdle I'm going to have to overcome will just be the personality differences in this office vs. where I was before. I suspect that my new boss has a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder and I am a mega-klutz, not-so-tidy person. So I'm really going to have to work on that around him. He doesn't even like a chair in the conference room to be at a different height than the others - so I imagine that will take some getting used to.

I saw my therapist again this week. She wondered how my best girl friend and I had managed to stay friends for as long as we have since we both have big superiority complexes. I told her it was because we just won't go there with each other and choose instead to proclaim our superiority to everyone else in the universe. You should hear us talk about faux-celebrities such as Paris Hilton.....

Well, today is going to busy again and tomorrow is my day to help my sister out with my grandmother - so I probably won't be back until Sunday. Unless something really juicy happens today!

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

New Job

Yesterday was the first day at the new property. I think it went really well. I can't post much more than that today - I'll try to come back tonight and give more detail.

I'm actually looking forward to going to work this morning :)

Monday, February 21, 2005

The cute thing my son said today

This didn't fit with my other, really long, post but....I had to share because it made me giggle out loud.

We were waiting for the doctor to get us the referral appointment for the CT scan and it was taking her quite a while. We were looking at magazines and in this month's CHILD, there was an ad for the Kandoo products. For those of you who don't have children at the potty-training age, Kandoo (Pampers) makes wipes and foaming soap. My son is looking at the ad, which features a little boy looking very smug and self-righteous after a successful visit to the toilet. So my son tells me, without a hint of pretention:

"Mommy, that's the little boy's wipes and that's the little boy's HAND SOAP"

I haven't the slightest clue where my 2-year-old picked up that there's a difference between plain old soap and hand soap.

Should I worry yet? How about now?

It IS possible to experience every emotion known to man in one day -

It IS!

Today was a holiday with our company. I agreed to work today in order to start the training at my new project. I was supposed to start there this morning. Instead my new boss and old boss decided that I should spend the morning at my "old" project, training the person who is taking my place. Not a problem, right? Well, not a problem when your boss doesn't have an amzing incredible case of PMS and bites your fucking head off for no good reason. Although my "old" boss also has a case of the "I'm always right"'s and the "Can't you read my fucking mind" - itis. She must have had a bad weekend or maybe having a bad self image day, because I went to tell her something that I thought she would want to know about and she rips into me about "Don't I have something better to do than tattle on a vendor?" and "Didn't I see that she's far too important to be bothered with such menial bullshit?" So, I'm still feeling a little sensitive about the lack of acknowledgment on Friday - so there is one emotion for the day - DISGUST.

I start training the new girl (who is really nice and picked up right away that the boss was being a biatch - score one for the new girl) and I'm supposed to leave after lunch. My new boss calls and tells my old biatch (erm, boss) that if she needs me to continue to train the new girl that I should just stay where I was at for the day. He had some things come up and wasn't going to have time to train me anyway. Did I mention earlier that today is a paid holiday within the company and that I could have spent my whole fucking day in pajamas catching up with my good friends Erica and Tad in Pine Valley, Dorian and Vicki in Llanview, Luke and Sonny in Port Charles AND Dr. Phil AND my best friend Oprah. There's emotion #2 - ANGER.

Unfortunately, my son is still not feeling better. My husband knew I was having a bad day at work and knew that our son needed to see the doctor again today, so he scheduled an appointment for him early enough that I got out of work early - emotion #3 folks - SURPRISE.

I'm worried about my son. I feel terrible for him that we haven't found a permanent solution to his sinus/nasal issues. It's uncomfortable for him and if I must be 100% honest - it makes me look like a really shitty mother. I mean - what the hell kind of lousy mother lets her child run around with this terrible nose issue. Have I ever heard of a freakin' pediatrician - you see, they're these doctors who take care of children - including their noses..... So we sit and sit and sit at the doctors office while she tries to find a place that our insurance will pay for a CT scan tomorrow so that we can get him started on some sort of medication for the nose. Guess what - that's emotion #4 - ANTICIPATION.

My mom called me tonight. Apparently my drama queen grandmother has been on the phone to my Uncle and Cousins out on the East Coast telling them all about how sick she is, but how my mom, sister and I aren't taking her to the doctor or helping her out. Which, for the record, is complete and utter BULLSHIT! My sister, God Bless her - takes my grandmother grocery shopping, to the doctor, to the salon to get her haircut and toes done, to funerals, to weddings - you name the place, my sister takes her there. Since I've moved back from Wyoming, I'm really trying to help more. My mom helps as much as she can (is willing...) but really, the brunt of this falls on my sister. What burns me is that my grandma makes us out to be really terrible people, when we're doing our best to help her. It's just that we all work and we can't be at her beck and call. The three of us ended up on a conference call with the relatives out East where I think we (hopefully) explained to them that we are trying, she is seeing a GOOD doctor and we're not just letting her sit and rot all by her lonesome self. That would be emotion #5 for those who are keeping count - SHOCK. That's right, SHOCK. I'm in shock that after all we do for her, that she thinks that we could be doing more - when the truth is - we really should be doing much less.

My sister started her period today. More than the fact that I'm now out $500 - I'm just devastated for her. Until you've been through the heartache of not being able to get pregnant as easily as everyone else does - it's hard to understand what she's going through. I've been in her shoes, although I never had to take the steps that she's about to. I managed to get pregnant two weeks before I was to meet with my OB/GYN for initial infertility work-ups. The truth is - I feel all sorts of emotions regarding this one subject. I am angry that she has to go through this. I am angry that God would put her through this. She was always the good kid - she doesn't deserve this roller-coaster with more downs than ups. I am so sympathetic, but I also feel helpless because I know that there is nothing I can do for her. But mostly, I feel emotion #6 - SORROW. And Lisa - I do. Please think about what we talked about earlier tonight, don't be too strong to admit that it might help you out. And no, it is not proper to apologize afterwards.

I'm sitting here blogging right now listening to my son and my husband argue over whether or not his new daycare teacher's name is Nicole or not - it's going something like this:
DS (Dear Son): "Yeah Nih-Toll"
DH (Dear Husband): "No Nicole"
DS: "Yeah Nih-Toll"
DH: "No Nicole"
DS: "Yeah Nih-Toll"
DH: "No Nicole"
DS: "Yeah Nih-Toll"
DH: "No Nicole"
DS: "Yeah Nih-Toll"
DH: "No Nicole"
And it's quite possible that this could go on all night. Emotion #7 - JOY, sheer joy. I'm about to go tuck my little guy into bed and thank God for him. I try not to let a day go by where I don't thank God for him and then I feel my final emotion for the night - GRATITUDE.

How I Spent My Weekend -----> by KC

This weekend I had a sick son. He went to the allergist on Thursday (for the constantly running nose) and it was determined that he had no allergies. (YEAH!!! We don't have to find new homes for the cats and I don't have to become a better housekeeper)

He then proceeded to spend all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday running a mildly high fever, refusing to eat and wanting to sleep the majority of the day. I knew he was really feeling bad when he didn't eat his ice cream after dinner on Friday. My kid never turns down ice cream - especially with chocolate sauce on it.

I managed to keep the fever down with Motrin and he stayed well-hydrated, so we didn't run him in to the doctors. He has another bad head cold, but we can't give him any medication for it until the can do a head X-Ray on him (to check to see if his adenoids are enlarged and causing the massive amounts of snot). So he has to suffer until we get the call today from the Radiology Office.

I was feeling fine all weekend until last night around 5:00. I developed the worst migraine and started running a fever myself. I'm still not feeling so hot this morning. But - today is my first day at the new job, so I'm going to have to suck it up and deal.

Question for all three of you who read my blog......would your feelings be hurt if no one at work acknowledged your leaving on your last day? It's not like I expected a party or anything (especially since I'm staying within the same company) but I kind of thought that maybe we'd all have lunch together or there would be some mention of it at the Friday Staff meeting - but no - NOTHING. So lets just say that my feelings were hurt....but I also think that I've been overly-sensitive for a month or two (good old self-diagnosed bi-polar stuff), so I'm wondering - would any of you be pissed off?

Friday, February 18, 2005

Why I'm an unfit parent - reason #547,513

Teaching my poor little guy to curse.

My husband and I are teaching our son the correct words for all of the body parts rather than the pretty euphemisms. He knows he has a penis and he knows that girls have vaginas. He knows that everybody has nipples but that only girls have boobs. (OK, so boobs isn't the scientific term - but close enough). He's not afraid to tell you what you have either. In the middle of Wal-Mart one day he chose to announce (on high volume, of course) that he had a penis and that "My Mommy has a vagina, right Mommy?" But, even with the potential embarrassment, I'd still rather that he know and not be embarrassed to use the proper words for his body parts. I'd rather that he not be a 13 year-old telling me "Mom, I'm growing hairs on my 'corn-dog'!!!"

I picked him up from daycare the other day and I was talking to his teacher. She told me that she thought it was great that we were teaching him the proper words and that he spent an entire day the other day telling her that his penis hurt and asking whether or not the other boys' penis' hurt. Then, his teacher tells me that she has to tell me something along those same lines. I'm thinking in my head that one of the other parents took issue with their son calling it a penis (or whatever) and that I was going to have to tell these other parents to fuck off. Luckily, this was not the case. I guess my son was patting her on the back and she asked what he was doing. He told her "I'm patting your butt". She thought it was funny and didn't say anything else about it. A few minutes went by and my son started patting her back again. Again, she asked what he was doing and he said: "I'm patting your ass."




My son told his teacher that he was patting her ass.

I must have turned seven shades of red and could have died. The teacher and I continued to talk about it and she mentioned that she just thought it was strange that for a little boy who knew the proper terms for things would call her butt an ass. Well, apparently Mom and Dad are good about the genitals - but not so much the gluteus maximus.

So now, I not only have to sit him down and explain to him that he really shouldn't be patting anyone's tushie - I have to explain to him that even though Mommy says it all the time - ass is not a word for him to use.

I'm thinking about all this last night while I'm on the phone with Laurie and she and I were talking about how Paris Hilton is in town for the NBA All Star game and how I was going to hunt her down and "Snap her like a fucking twig". Well, can you guess the next sentence out of my son's mouth???

How the fuck am I going to explain that one to daycare?

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

WTF is Michael Jackson Thinking????

I watch the Today Show every morning as I'm getting ready for work. I usually only catch the first ten minutes or so before I have to head out to my hellish commute. I never, ever, miss the opportunity to say along with the announcer "This is Today, live from Rockefeller Center with Katie Couric and Matt Lauer" and I always change Katie Couric to Katie Current (from Shark Tales) and Matt to Fat. Which is stupid and juvenile, but I get a great amount of pleasure from making fun of Matt and Katie. What's worse is that Matt is not fat. Not even close. When my husband and I were in Manhattan in 2002, we went to the Today Show and saw him in person. He's really a tiny guy. Both my husband and I were surprised by how teeny tiny Matt is. Oh yeah - he also has really soft hands. Now you know.

Anyway, I was watching the Today Show yesterday and they were talking about Michael Jackson's defense witnesses. I have to wonder - what in the fucking???? The guy is being accused of doing terrible, horrible things to children (I think he totally did it - no sympathy from me) and he's going to use Diana Ross, Kobe Bryant, Elizabeth Taylor, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, Larry King, 60 minutes correspondent Ed Bradley and a list of many others as his defense witnesses....the whole things smacks of a three ring circus.

This morning I'm watching and they're saying that Michael Jackson went to the hospital with the flu. Now, I'm not saying that people don't get hospitalized with the flu, because I know that all seems a little convenient to me.

I'm interested in seeing what happens with the rest of this case. I remember at one time thinking that he must have been innocent in the 1993 case, since the parents of the child settled out of court. Then, it occurred to me how traumatic a trial would be for the child. I can't imagine putting my almost three year old through a court trial. Putting a child on the witness stand to relive whatever horrible things had happened to him - I don't know that as a mother that I could put my child go through that. On the other hand, how can you place monetary value on your child's well-being.

The whole situation is tragic. Let's just hope that justice will occur swiftly and that everyone involved will take it seriously and not make a media mockery of it.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Floss - the evil tool of Dr Evil, DDS

So, the last time I went to the dentist I got the lecture on flossing, right?

This morning I'm flossing my teeth (just like they flippin' told me to do) and the floss kind of gets stuck. So instead of jerking the floss out - I just tried to slide it on through and a big chunk of tooth breaks off. A.BIG.CHUNK.OF.TOOTH. Mother fucker!

Now, I have to go back to the dentist and fork over more of my hard earned cash to pay for damage that I believe they should be liable for. After all, I was carefully following their instructions for care when the aforementioned tooth (hereinafter referred to as "Tooth") sustained damage. Had I been misusing Tooth (say as a bottle opener) I would understand that would void any implied warranty on Tooth. However, Tooth and Floss were used well within normal operating guidelines. It is the opinion of this Mouth that Dr. Evil, DDS is liable for one Tooth. Plus pain and suffering.

Mother fuckers.

Boots and Super Cool Explorer, Dora

It was quite a busy weekend. I feel like absolutely nothing that I needed to get done, got done.

Saturday, my son and I went down to Colorado Springs to spend the day. We had breakfast with my grandmother, mother and sister. My son was not listening at all during breakfast and after asking him a thousand times to stop wiggling and sit down and eat, he knocked his glass of milk off the table and onto the booth seat (drenching him and getting me pretty doused as well). I was soooo freakin pissed. Not because he spilled his milk, because accidents happen. But because I had asked him a thousand times to stop wiggling. So he and I march off to the bathroom to change his clothes, while my mom and sister tried to clean up the big spill. While in the bathroom, he and I had a little conversation about why he was in trouble - that it didn't really have anything to do with spilling the milk, but the not listening when I asked him to do something. As we leave the bathroom, I notice my grandmother giving me that "disapproving" look and I knew that I was going to be pissed in about 2.3 minutes. Sure as shit, as we were walking out to the car she tells me:
"You know, he was acting fine at the restaurant. I don't understand why you got so upset with him."
To which I answered:
"Grandma, he was not acting fine. He wasn't listening after I asked him to settle down."
She then got silent, which is my grandma's way of being extremely passive-aggressive and basically telling me that she thought I was too harsh with him. In my head, I'm thinking - listen lady, it's been 50 years since you've had a child this age with you 24-7 and you've obviously forgotten (as us mothers are biologically programmed to do) how consistent you have to be with a two year old. If they get away with something once - they'll keep doing it. They don't have the capacity to understand "special occasion" yet. Maybe in a year or so....

After our Saturday morning ritual of taking grandma to breakfast and then getting her groceries, my Mom treated me and my son to "Dora's Pirate Adventure - LIVE". My son was appropriately spoiled. Grandma got him a Swiper and I got him the requisite t-shirt. I think he really didn't know what to make of it at first, as it is VERY different seeing "Big Boots-a-Monkey" and "Big, Tall, Doe-wah". But by the time they finished the second song, he was yelling at Swiper to "Stop Swiping" and demanding that the Pirate Piggies "Give Us Back Our Treasure!". My mom and I didn't want to gouge our eyes out - which considering it was Dora - LIVE!, I thought was amazing. The gay-club kid who played Diego was HOT! I thought he looked like Gabrielle's gardener on "Desperate Housewives". But you could tell that he and Boots the Monkey had a little sumtin, sumtin going on behind the scenes.

All yesterday morning, that's all we heard about was Dora. A random sampling:
"Mom, Diego was flying on a bird, right Mommy?"
"Mom, big, tall Doe-wah went tip-toe, right Mommy?"
"Mom, I helped Boots and Doe-wah find the treasure, right Mommy?"
"Dad, I met Boots-a-Monkey, right Mommy?"
"Shrek and Donkey on another 'venture, right Mommy?" - don't think that we can forget about Shrek for a day, even with all of the Dora excitement.

I'm glad to be heading off to work today, after a fun filled weekend. I need some peace and quiet, right Mommy?

Friday, February 11, 2005


My promotion is happening!

The new project won't close until March 3rd - but barring any last minute issues with the closing - I'll be at my new project by February 21st.

A Quick Prayer Request

I normally don't do this -'s a matter of $500. (aka - my Dooney fund, actually it could be my Dooney, Coach, Burberry fund)

My sister has been having problems conceiving and she went to the OB/GYN last month because of her erratic cycles - whereupon she learned that she was not likely ovulating. Her doc gave her some progesterone to get things back up and running and told her to start using OPK's and/or a fertility monitor to check to see if she ovulated this month after the progesterone.

Three months ago (or so) I bet my sister $500 that she would get pregnant this month. I'm just certain that this is her month. Needless to say, when she told me that she hadn't been ovulating - I thought I was screwed on this bet.

BUT - she just let me know that she got the first positive OPK EVER in her life and that the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor gave her a peak reading. So - she and my brother-in-law will be busy tonight.

They say the power of prayer can have an effect on women trying to conceive - so if everyone can just give a quick prayer for my sister to get pregnant - I would really appreciate it.

Does prayer work when God knows you're only doing it for the money????

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I met my new therapist today

And I like her. It felt really good to talk to her. It's always awkward (at least I think it is) to start telling someone you don't know (even if you are paying them) all of your problems. I think I actually had some insights into some of my recent feelings in the first session. It was like music to my overacheiving ears.

We talked about the requisite childhood (which I won't share what we talked about since my Mom is the only regular reader of this blog) issues, how's the marriage, how's your relationship with your siblings, how do you feel about your son. We laughed (again, I'm paying her - she'd better laugh at my jokes) and I cried/she sympathized (I don't even need to remind you that I'm paying her, do I?) and at the end of the session as we were getting ready to schedule the next appointment - I apologized to her.

Yep - that's right, I apologized to her for having to sit there and listen to me have a pity party for myself. I'm thinking it's going to take me a while to get used to this whole therapy concept.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

And let this be a lesson for us all

Never, ever, ever wait until you're so hungry for lunch that you inhale a huge order of sesame chicken (including a nasty, greasy fried eggroll) in less than 10 minutes. You will pay for it the rest of the day and then some.

Folks, I made that mistake yesterday and I thought my stomach was going to EXPLODE. Literally. And the heartburn - oh dear Lord with the heartburn.... 12+ hours and 1/2 a bottle of Pepto later, I'm starting to feel OK. I just ate my second bowl of raisin bran this morning hoping I can encourage my bowels to get up and go. Ugh. It's seriously nasty.

What have I learned? The stupid South Beach Diet book is right - you should eat at a rate of half the speed you used eat at (in other words, take twice as long to eat your meal) because it takes 5 minutes or so from when your tummy is full for it to register with your brain. And five minutes is a long time where you can still be filling the poor thing. I've also learned that I'm glad I've never had problems with constipation before. I'm also glad that I learned that once your body gets used to healthy, non-fatty, non-carb food that when you do eat something "bad" it makes you feel so awful that you don't want to do it again.

Again, let this be a lesson for us all.

Monday, February 07, 2005

I hurt someone's feelings...

just like Kristine. I feel like an ass for hurting this persons feelings. However, I do have to say that I stand by what I said. Perhaps it was said in a forum that it shouldn't have been said in or in a context that was maybe more hurtful than necessary. For that I am sorry.

But here's the thing. This blog is for me. If people don't like what they see here, I'm sorry. But I'm not out to please anyone but myself. It is bonus when other people like what I'm writing, think I'm funny, can sympathize with my mental state, etc. - I won't deny that. But ultimately, at the end of the day - this is for me. This is therapy on the cheap. A place where I can say what I need to say and if it hurts someone else - again, I'm truly sorry.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I stumbled upon a blog of someone I know and there was something written about me that wasn't perhaps....flattering...or downright mean. I don't know how I'd feel. I'd like to say that I'm going to take that into further consideration as I write here, but I don't know that I will. I can't make any promises to that effect.

All I can do is write what I'm feeling at this particular moment and pray that people will understand that it's what I needed to say or feel at the time.

A Word from the Daycare Director

I picked up my son today and I was leaving the daycare center, the director stopped me. I was waiting for it, certain that I was going to hear all about how he shoved someone, wouldn't take a nap, had raging explosive diarrhea (which infected the whole center) or the tuition check bounced.

Instead, she told me that a new boy had started today and she was very impressed with how my son (did you hear that world - MY SON!!!) had shown great maturity (yes, she used the word mature and my son in the SAME sentence!!!) in making sure that the new boy knew where to sit at lunch, where the toys were, etc., etc. She also made a comment about how she was in his room today and none of the other kids knew her name (she has a slightly hard to pronounce name) except for my son. top this all the anticipation killing you yet??? top this all off she said that he has been an "absolute pleasure" to have at her center. An absolute pleasure??? My son!!!

So here's a picture of my absolute pleasure - perfectly pleasurable covered in sparkly toothpaste and play-dough.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

End of Week Five -Stats

Starting Weight: 191
Last Week's Weight: 179
Current Weight: 179
Goal Weight: 130
Loss for this week: -0 pounds
Total Loss: -12 pounds

No loss this week. Well, at least there isn't a gain. This has been a hectic week, so I'm not suprised about the loss. I only made it to the gym once this week (Wednesday for my appointment with Jay - the ARMY's best personal trainer). I need to go just about every day next week. I need to get motivated again.... Maybe I did lost some fat this week, but gained some muscle. My clothes feel like they fit better.

I also started the Ortho Evera patch this week. Typically women gain a few pounds when starting chemical birth control - so maybe it's still a good week considering that I didn't gain anything.

Earlier in the week I bought a really cute shirt as my motivation shirt. I've hung it in my closet where I can look at it every day and be motivated. I almost bought a pair of motivation jeans as well, but cash flow was a problem for me this week.

I have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I feel better about making the call, but I feel a little silly now that the "moment" has passed. I should probably still go. It can't hurt, right?

I will find out sometime this next week if my promotion is going to happen. I heard from the gentleman who will be my new boss on Friday that everything at the new project looks like a go and that I'll be there with him at his project starting Feb 14. The two projects that I currently split my time between have started the process of getting temps into place and actively recruiting to fill the two positions. It sounds at this point like it's going to happen. I'm very excited about the opportunity, but at the same time I'm scared shitless. This isn't just a new property for me to learn, but a new position as well. I'm fortunate in the gentleman who would be my new boss is very mellow and patient. So if there is indeed a learning curve when I first get there, he won't be really freaky about it.

I will have to get my Real Estate License by the end of the summer in order to secure this position. That's going to suck for our whole family. I'm going to have to attend classes at night from 6:30 - 9:30 Monday through Thursday. Which means that I literally am not going to see my family during the week. My son will be sleeping when I leave in the morning and sleeping when I get home. I've told my husband that I plan on getting a housekeeper when this all starts. The company that provides our janitorial contract at work has employees that will pick up side jobs for $15/hour. I figure our two bedroom apartment shouldn't take longer than 3 hours a week to clean. I think that $45 a week will be worth not having to spend my precious time with my son cleaning house. I may even have them do some laundry as well....I haven't decided yet.

Well, I'm going to have to get back on track with the diet and exercise. I knew the weight loss would slow down when I started adding the carbs back in, but I didn't realize it would come to a standstill. So here's to a brand new week of exercise and bland food!

Friday, February 04, 2005

Random Thoughts Floating Through My Head On A Friday Morning

  1. Seriously - Thank God it's Friday.
  2. Jay - the ARMY's best personal trainer kicked my ass Wednesday night.
  3. I shouldn't still be sore from it, should I?
  4. Sweet Baby Jesus - I am really out of shape if I'm still sore from Wednesday night.
  5. I've never eaten oatmeal that wasn't instant before.
  6. I'm not sure I like it (the slow cooked, that is)
  7. If I have my carbs in the morning - I'll have all day to burn them off.
  8. Do I really have to go to work?
  9. I hope daycare doesn't call us in to CPS, since my son decided to try a Superman move last night and only succeeded in smashing the bridge of his nose into the edge of the end table.
  10. My son looks really bad.
  11. Really, really bad.
  12. I'm still kinda mad at my husband.
  13. I think I'm coming down with a sinus infection.
  14. I hope this doesn't put me out for the whole weekend.
  15. Yeah, I don't think I like the texture of non-instant oatmeal.
  16. That stupid South Beach Book says that I can only eat non-instant oatmeal.
  17. Seeing's how I've lost 12 pounds so far - I think I have to listen to the stupid South Beach book.
  18. I wish The Princess hadn't scratched my wrist last night - it still smarts a little.
  19. Sheesh - I sound like a whiner today.
  20. I owe Susie at work lunch today.
  21. I might hear something today about my promotion.
  22. As soon as I hear something about my promotion, I have to go get my Real Estate license.
  23. I think non-instant oatmeal has the consistency of what I think brains would have the consistency of.
  24. I may have just grossed myself out of finishing my breakfast.
  25. I have to hurry up and get into the shower.
  26. Do I really have to go to work??
  27. I left a message yesterday for a therapist who takes my insurance.
  28. I hope I can get in to see her next week.
  29. Now I really have to get in the shower since I'm finished with my brains - I mean non-instant oatmeal.
  30. I hope today is a great day. Even if my muscles are sore from Jay- the ARMY's best personal trainer.
  31. I'll have to post more about my first session with Jay - the ARMY's best personal trainer soon.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I think it's time to admit I might need help...

So, I have seen five doctors in the past three weeks. I have purchased more clothing for myself in the past month than I have in the five years prior. I have joined a gym. I have actually gone to the gym. I have started a diet. I have actually stuck to the diet (aside from the donut yesterday....) As I was driving back and forth from three different appointments today, I had what I think may have been the epiphany I was waiting for.

I am screaming for help. I want these doctors to fix me. I want "things" to fix me. I can't be fixed if I am still fat. I can't be fixed if I have another baby. I desperately want someone to fix me. Please, please, please. I need help. I can't do it on my own. I just can't. I can't fix me, because I still don't know what's wrong with me.

All of my life, I have never been content to just "be me". It was always kind of goal oriented - in a weird way. There was always something that needed to happen in order for me to be fulfilled as a person. You know the scenario "If X then Y" with Y always being the fulfillment/contentedness/happiness that seemed to elude me.

"If I get into the honor choir" And usually I did, but it didn't magically make the rest of my issues go away.

"Once I get a boyfriend" And I did. And I let him talk me into 'going all the way' and then he dumped me because our relationship had become 'purely physical' and he wanted someone to talk to. WELL -it would have been nice to know beforehand.

"Once I graduate from high school" And I did, and you know what? I woke up the next morning and I was still me. The same me that is insignificant and undeserving of happiness.

"Once I get out of my parents house" because truly, my stepmom was horrible. My Dad was an addict. My sister tends to be holier than thou and couldn't then (and is still not real great at) putting herself in someone else's shoes. (Not that I don't love my sister - because I do...but lets face it - no one's perfect - my sister included)

"Once I get married" I dated A LOT in my twenties. I finally met my husband when I was 25. I thought he was perfect for me. We shared similar upbringings, had the same philosophies for raising children....I decided he was "the one" and two years later we were married. But getting married didn't fill the big empty hole that I have - the inability to be comfortable just being "me".

"If only I had nicer 'things'" You know. If I had a beautiful house full of beautiful furnishings. If I had designer clothing. If I had a newer/nicer car. If I could work hard and get that promotion. Because "things" will make me feel better about who I am....but things turned out to just take up space and didn't do anything but numb the feelings of inadequacy and incompleteness.

"Once I have a baby" OH - I was obsessed. I was seriously OBSESSED with having a baby. I took my temperature and charted my cervical mucus and stood on my head after "baby dancing". After one confirmed miscarriage and what I think were two others and just about one year we were pregnant. And as thankful as I was to be pregnant - it was no picnic. I was moody and difficult. I was sick and even the smell of meat made me vomit. And then my son came - and the angels sang and it was beautiful. And for about six months I was fulfilled. I felt as if this big empty hole in my psyche had been filled and it was wonderful. Then I started sleeping 8 hours at a time again. And I realized that as much as I love my son - he didn't fix me either.

"A small town is a great place to be a family" Long story short - moving to Wyoming didn't fix me either. In fact, it may have made me worse.

"The Big-D" When I left my husband last year I filed for divorce right away. Mainly to ensure that I maintained custody of my son. I felt empowered for the first time in a long time. I was strong - I could leave a horrible situation that wasn't healthy for me or my son! I could! And I did. And while it made me feel confident knowing that even when the chips were down that I could take care of my son in a way I didn't know I could - it still didn't fix me.

The latest in my quest to fix me that are failing:
"I'm going to focus on my career" - Let's just say the whole idea of Super-Mom is a big, fat hairy sham. Something has to give. It's either work or family - but you really can't 100% focus on both.
"I'm going on a diet and losing weight" - Sure, it's going to make me physically healthy -but it's not going to fix the main problem.

I just simply am not comfortable in my own skin. I still don't know who I am or what I want out of life. I can not sit quietly with no TV, book, magazine, radio, internet or other distraction for more than a minute or two - at the most. It's not that I hate myself - because I don't. It's just that I get anxious with all the thoughts that start running through my head if I sit and just listen to them.

Today I started crying at the OB/GYN's when she asked about the history of my mental health. She asked if I had been on meds in the past (which I have) and if I was now (which I'm not) and whether or not she thought I needed to be or if I had everything under control. Tears welled up behind my big fake, everything's fine smile and I said "No.---- No, everything's not under control right now." I'm taking the first step. I've admitted it.

Now what?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

When the diet said to start introducing carbs this week...

...I have this sneaking suspicion that it meant things like whole wheat bread, bran flakes, apples, etc. Probably not super yummy, dripping with glaze donuts.


Thanks so much - Cori

A Music Meme that you aren't allowed to laugh at!OK, you can laugh a little!

10 random consecutive tracks from WMP:
Kenny Chesney - She's Got It All
Catherine Zeta Jones (Chicago Soundtrack) - Cell Block Tango
Joel Grey (Cabaret Soundtrack) - Money, Money
Dead Kennedy's - Holiday in Cambodia
Pat Benetar - We Belong
George Strait - Heartland
W.A. Mozart - Serenade for Winds, K361
Billy Joel - She's Got A Way
Simon and Garfunkel - Homeward Bound
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

What's the total number of music files on your computer?

The last CD you bought was:
Tim McGraw and the Dancehall Doctors - Live Like You Were Dying (Actually my husband bought it for me for Christmas)

What was the last song you listened to before this meme?
Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dreams

Name 5 songs that you listen to often or that mean a lot to you:
The Eagles - Take It To The Limit
Dixie Chicks - Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
Garth Brooks - Shameless
Jeff Carson - Real Life
Elton John - Tiny Dancer

Who are you gonna pass this stick to?
Kristine (I'm going to force you to blog - baahaahaahaa)
Romani Heart

Thank you Cori for passing this on to me. ;)