This just proves that I am the world's clumsiest person

I was walking to my car in the parking garage last night. I was digging in my purse for my keys when I dropped something out of my purse. As I was looking down to see what I dropped, I somehow twisted my ankle up and as I tried to stand up straight, I lost my balance and fell. Seriously. I skinned my knee (which isn't the first time this year) and totally bruised my heiney. Thank GOD - and I mean THANK GOD - I don't think anyone saw me do it.

It's true, I can literally trip and fall down over nothing. NOTHING.

T minus 8 days and counting

I think my husband found some boxes. Which means only one thing. Now someone has to pack them. And organize them. And that someone is going to be me.

Cause see, me and Mr. KC have this thing going on. I pack. He moves. I unpack. I also clean the old place and the new place while he moves. It totally seems unfair to me. I think that I'm doing WAY more work than he is. Of course, I'm also not the one who's lugging our washer and dryer around...but still. I have to start packing now. I'll be packing well into next week. He's going to move for a day - maybe two. Then the unpacking starts and will last for months. Maybe even years. Shit, it could be even for a decade.

This move is going to suck.

Something of which only his mother could be proud

Warning: If you don't think fart jokes are funny, you're not going to like this post.


Last night, my son and I were snuggling in bed watching Alias. That was our first problem. He kept getting upset with me that they weren't singing the "Money" song. It took me 15 minutes, but I think I finally go through to him that Alias was the show about the spies. The Apprentice is the show about money and it's not on until tomorrow night.

He did, however, give me the inside scoop - now that we're down to the final four on The Apprentice. He says that Tana (nooooooooo) will be fired tonight, Alex next week and the final two will be Craig and Kendra -----> and the winner will be Craig. According to my 3 year old.

Now, on to the funny part. At least it was funny to me. He was sitting right next to me and let a big one rip. He looks at me and starts giggling uncontrollably and says simply "Mommy, I farted." To which I answered "Yes, I know. I heard it."

Then....then he tells me to pull his finger. So I do. And................nothing. Then he lets out this big "Ahhhhh" just like his Daddy does.

I could not control myself, I was laughing so hard. And we did it over and over again. Then I told him to show Daddy. Not only did Daddy not think it was funny, but Daddy also blamed Mommy for teaching it to him in the first place, which also made me laugh.

So if my son asks you to pull his finger - it's OK. Nothing is going to come out - except his hilarious "AAAAAHHHH". Pure comic genius. I'm telling you - my kid is the next Seinfeld....except for that we're not Jewish and we don't live in New York....but other than that - yeah - the next Seinfeld!

T minus 9 Days and counting....till moving day

Our house is a wreck and we do not have a single box available.

This move is going to suck.

A terrible confession from a terrible mother

I have to admit something. This takes big balls to admit.

I haven't truly "enjoyed" my son's company until recently.

I didn't enjoy the baby months. I wasn't sleeping - he wasn't sleeping...it was pure hell. I mean, I loved him. I truly, madly, loved him. I loved to smell him when he'd just had a bath (I also loved the WalMart lavender lotion). I loved to have him fall asleep on my chest as I lay on the couch. But I didn't enjoy his company.

I HATED the period between 15 months and about 2 years. I hated that they (because I know it's that age and wasn't just my son) don't listen to you. That you have to supervise them CONSTANTLY (not even a shower alone...) because they were always into something. I hated that age. I loved my son, but I hated that age.

I started to enjoy his company just as he hit the terrible two's and the tantrums outweighed the good stuff.

But now, well now....I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoy his company. Now, when we sit and read books he actually is interested in the story. He asks questions about the book and what's happening. He is thirsty for knowledge and I love that. He is more self-aware. He will tell me how he's feeling and if I ask him if he's happy - he'll answer "I am" or "No, not happy, I am angry." He's also concerned with the feelings of others. The other day, just out of the blue he asked me if I was happy.

His teacher at daycare and I were talking yesterday and she said he is the best in his class at being able to express his feelings with words rather than actions. While the other kids are still biting (YES - my son has been bitten by another child twice in the last month...), hitting, pushing, shoving or throwing a tantrum - my son - my son can turn to the other child and say "I don't like it when you do that." Or "I don't like when you take my toy". I'm so proud of him. That's a big step from toddlerhood to big kid land.

He's more interested in music now - which has always been a HUGE portion of my life. We listen to a wide variety of music - from toddler fare like The Wiggles and The Backyardagain's to jazz standards, classical, opera, hip-hop, R&B, hardcore punk, ska, country, Celtic, classic rock, folk....really you name it and we listen to it. Really. The other day, our CD player went from Waylon Jennings to Ice-T is one song. After Ice-T it skipped to The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. At night, I set his radio on either the jazz or classical station. Last night as I was tucking him in, the jazz station was playing some good jazz. My son and I sat on his bed while he played "air drums" and I played "air trumpet" along with the radio. We looked like idiots - but God....if you could have seen the smile on his face while we were doing it. It could have lit up half of Colorado.

His knowledge of animals is amazing. Two weeks ago, I was in the kitchen making some sandwiches when he came in and informed me that "Hippos eat grass". So that weekend, we went to the zoo. We must have sat and watched the Hippo's for at least 45 minutes. The hippo's were swimming in the water and then one got out. My son whispered to me "Mom, will the Hippo come and eat us?" I told him that I didn't think so and that he should think about what Hippo's ate. He thought for a second and then said "That's right! Hippos eat grass. I hope that Hippo will come over here and eat some grass with us". Then, not more than two minutes later ----that Hippo came over right in front of us and started eating the grass. My son got to see her teeth and how leathery her skin was and how big her feet were. He was in heaven. He can name almost all of the standard zoo animals and even some that aren't so standard. I love to sit with him and converse about the different animals and what they "do".

There's much, much more that he's doing now that I really enjoy. And not to say that there's not difficulty in our household still. It hasn't all magically gone away....can anyone tell me why a three year old boy WILL.NOT.EVEN.CONSIDER.USING.THE.POTTY?? (He can figure out how to shave his freaking head - but not how to use the potty....hanging my head in shame)

But, as terrible as it sounds. For the first time in three years, I remember why I so desperately wanted a child in the first place. He makes my life worth living. I wake up in the morning and smile because I know that he is going to crack a joke or tell me that he loves me or run up to me and give me the "Big Hugger" and the "Little Kisser" or the "Little Hugger" and the "Big Kisser" and I'm going to melt. Because I do.

I love you little guy. More than you will ever know. I'm glad that you're starting to become more than just my child. You're starting to become my friend and it's going to be amazing!

This has made my day

I have finally found the perfect birthday present for my father in law .

Thanks Kristine for sending me to The Sarcastic Journalist for sending me over to Suburban Bliss in the first place. I can't believe I'd not been there before....

God, I'm such a blog virgin....

It's Official

We will be moving in two weeks!!!

As much as I don't want to move. As much as I hate the physical acts of packing and moving and unpacking.

We found a great little (key word being little) house in the neighborhood I wanted with a HUGE yard for my son to run around and be wild in. We can put his swingset back up. He can ride his little tricycle around the yard. The yard is fenced, so that I can start dinner after work and my son can run around outside and I won't have to keep "as" close an eye on him.

I'm so unbelievably excited about our move. It will be soooo nice to not hear the family of 37 who live above us stomping around at all hours of the night. It will be soooo nice to be able to let my son go outside without worrying about him stepping in dog shit. It will be sooo nice to be able to sit outside on a summer evening with my husband and watch our son chase the cats around the yard.

So please, remind me in three days when I'm whining about the packing and the arrangements and the changing the phone and utilities.....that this is a very good thing!

The guy in the suit just may be right

I was walking back from lunch and there was a well dressed gentleman standing outside the Washington Mutual office handing out flyers.

I assumed they were for the bank, so I took one. Instead I was treated to:

"The Burning Hell. Thousands of degrees hot and not a drop of water!"

Shit, I think he knew that I say fuck too much and that I've been voting on Pope Idol.

I made sure the flyer got a proper burial. In my recycle bin.

Nervous Energy - ***UPDATED***

I have my 60 day review today. I can't believe it's been 60 days since my promotion.

I'm pretty sure the review is going to be fine. I think my boss is happy with me, it seems I've caught some things that the last person in my position missed - so he's happy with my "eye for detail".

We are, however, going to discuss a pay increase, based on the new set of responsibilities I've been given.

I have to admit, I don't like salary negotiations. I mean, I know what I'd like to making (6 figures, expense account, company car). I know what the position probably pays everyone else. What I don't know is how much to ask for. I'm hoping that the question of "So, what do you think we should be paying you" will come up. I hate that question. I don't want to come in too low - because then I'm stuck there. But I don't want to come in so high that they think I've been smoking crack on my lunch breaks - KWIM?

AAAARRRRGGGHHH! I fucking hate this. The anticipation.

Well, anyway - I don't have too long to wait. We're on at 10:00. Today is going to be super busy after that, so I probably won't be able to post until tomorrow.

***************UPDATE***********************
The review went much better than I anticipated. I don't know exactly what my raise will be yet - it has to be approved by the corporate office - but my boss assured me that I will be happy with it.

I can't even begin to describe what a huge weight has been lifted - simply based upon having this over with!

(I totally feel like going outside and throwing my hat in the air, cause you know "I'm gonna make it after all")

In which I declare my sluttiness

I met my husband on August 26, 1998. I actually met him before then, but we never really talked or anything before that night. We worked for the same company, but at different locations.

That night, I got drunk, he offered to drive me home, I let him, he came in, one thing led to another and we woke up together the next morning. I thought it was a one night stand. He thought it was a one night stand and now, after almost seven years and a child together, we both realize that it was not a one night stand.

This may give you some insight as to what I'm about to delve into. I have a relative who makes no bones about the fact that I'm a slut. It's never clarified to "was", so to me - it indicates that A) this person still thinks that I'm a slut - meaning that they also believe that I cheat on my husband or B) this person thinks that the magnitude of my sluttiness before I met my husband was so great that it negates my SEVEN YEARS of monogamy.

Anyway, I know that I shouldn't give a rat's ass about what this person thinks - but I do. Actually much of what this person has said to me or about me has led up to this mini-breakdown that I'm having. But today, we are concentrating on the slut in me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior here, I did what I did with who I did. But, I believe that there are circumstances that make people tend toward a certain behavior set. For me, it was the fact that I was molested as a young girl by a stranger and faster than you can say "coverup" it was swept under the rug. My parents totally believed me about it. My father, in fact, grabbed his shotgun and loaded it before returning to the "scene of the crime" with me and my sister in tow. The police were called. I gave a statement. I pored over mug shots. They never caught the guy. After a few weeks, not much more was mentioned about it...it was just, you know, that "thing" that happened to KC. In fact, I didn't give it much thought until I was an adult.

I also lacked for a strong emotional connection with a male role model growing up. I won't get into details, but I spent a long time looking for a male to just.pay.some.fucking.attention.to.me.

Anyway, I was promiscuous as a teenager. I was wild and crazy in my early twenties. My "total" is in the double digits - not that it's anyone's business.

I don't regret a thing that I've done. But what bothers me, is that this is one of the first words that this particular relative will use to describe me. "Slut". KC is a "slut".

I don't know how to reconcile this in my head. I can rationally say that it doesn't mean a THING, what this person says or thinks about me. They are clearly judgmental and misguided in their attempt to define me. Everyone knows that I am really an Enigma. But in my heart, it hurts.

A Preview of What's To Come

I stopped going to my therapist. It was getting too expensive and she was too far away to make it convenient for me to get to appointments.

So, I have been experimenting with self-therapy. I have written three or four posts which just ramble on and make no fucking sense, which I have spared you from. But, I feel like I do have to get some of these issues out into the open - or they are going to consume me. And I need to be focused and on top of things for the next several months as I try to prove myself in my new position at work, get my Real Estate license and (hopefully) help my husband with a job change, which will necessitate us moving.

I also feel like I've not been a very good mom lately. I have been really short with my son and yelling UH-LOT (to quote Kristine). I don't want to be a yelling mom. I find that I'm losing my patience with him more frequently and that I'm not playing with him enough. Me sitting on the couch in my jammies watching the Real World marathon on MTV while he plays with toys on the floor in front of me does not constitute quality time.

I've got a plan though. I'm going to get organized, which will help me be less stressed at work, which in turn will allow me to be more focused on my son during the small amount of time I have with him.

In the meantime, I have some issues I need to work through. I plan on writing about them. I am going to speak ill of some family members (some who may read this blog and may not expect it) and if I hurt their feelings - well tough. This is MY space, where I can write about whatever tickles my fancy and if they don't like, they can not read it. Period. This is my disclaimer: If you are worried about what I may/may not say about you in my blog, please don't read it anymore. If you plan on taking what I say in my blog and applying it in real life, please don't read it anymore. If you can not stand to see something that may offend you or criticize you, please don't read anymore.

There, you've been warned.

Orangsicly - goodness

I am working on a post. I think it's going to be long. Long and cathartic. I just can not hit publish, because it's just not "right" yet.

So instead of my insightful and therapeutic post, I'm going to share my experience at work today.

I was leaving for work and waiting for the elevator. The woman who stepped off the elevator looked JUST like and Orangsicle. She was wearing the most pristine orange suit. She had on beautiful orange pumps. Her lipstick almost perfectly matched her orangey goodness of an ensemble. But it was her hair that got me. She had me at her hair. Her HAIR and eyebrows were the most delicious shade of orange that I wanted to put her in a parfait dish and enjoy her after bunch.

I don't want to be one of THOSE people

But Romani Heart's pictures made me want to share mine.

This is Lady Winnifred Percival Snickerdoodle, our baby. She was Sir Winston Percival Snickerdoodle, because the people at the Pound told us that she was a he and we never bothered to check....until the vet called us and told us that they couldn't "neuter" our kitty. So after seven months as living as a boy, we had to change gears.


This is Princess Francesca Anjelica Applesauce III. She picked her name. I had found her mother giving birth in a vacant apartment and I felt that I had to give them a home until the kittens were old enough to be adopted out. We found homes for all of the kittens and the mother...but somehow ended up keeping her. I was pregnant when I finally found a good home for her, but the day the lady came to pick her up, I had broken down just bawling and had to call the lady to tell her that we would be keeping the cat.

What the fuck is wrong with a good fuck now and then?

I've noticed at some of the other blogs that I read, there has been some discussion about the overuse of the word fuck. What I want to know, is there such a thing as overuse?

I love the word fuck. It has been my favorite word since I was 15 or 16. (seeing that I'm 29 for the fourth time, that would be for 16 years) It has so many uses. It can be a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, a pronoun....it can be so much to so many. Does any other word have such flexibility in use? I don't think so.

I mean, everyone loves a good fuck. And although sometimes it's good to be fucked, most of the time it's bad to be fucked. People will fuck you up if you fuck with them. Have you ever told someone to get off your ass, for fuck's sake? It's the fucking greatest word EVER. EVER. I'm fucking serious. There's no fucking way I would lie about something with this much fucking importance in my life.

I honestly have no fucking idea how fuck got such a bad rap. Do I use the word at work?... sparingly of course. Do I use it at church? Fuck, no. Do I use it around my child? Maybe once in a while. But in conversation with friends and on my blog...Fuckin-A right I do.

Now get out there and enjoy your fucking weekend, for fuck's sake!

A short musing on protesters (and the like)

You'd think that protesters and various people on strike would come up with a better chant than:

"Hey, Hey. Ho, Ho. (Fill in the blank) has got to go."

I mean, really. We've been listening to that same little ditty over and over again for decades!

Someone should really come up with a new slogan/chant/ song....something catchy like Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping"...You know, "I get knocked down. But I get up again."

Not that I'm the creative person to do so....but really. You'd think someone, somewhere could come up with something.

My anxiety attack de jour

I just had to get up on the roof of my building.


I am deathly afraid of heights.


My building is a high rise, with no retaining wall to speak of. If a big gust of wind came along, i'd go tumbling down a 24 story building into traffic below.

I wasn't bothered by it at any of my other buildings, because they were all mid-rises (under 12 stories) and they all had a nice retaining wall that would keep me from falling off, say if I lost my balance.

I can't get up there without thinking about all of the ways that I could fall off the damn thing. I had a nightmare a couple of weeks ago that my husband, my son and I all were up there watching a parade and my son ran off and fell off the roof. I woke up in a SEVERE state of panic.

Now, everytime I have to get up there (which isn't too often, thankfully) I think about him falling off the roof. Like.I'd.ever.let.him.up.there.in.the.first.place.

But, still - it freaks me out nonetheless.

My family tree (only has one branch)

Just kidding. Even though we are from Arkansas.

My mother's mother's side of the family has been traced back to Revolutionary America (my grandma's cousin did this. If you click on Families on the left hand side and then "Harton" from Jane - you'll start with Thomas Harton, who is my Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather. I am in the Eighth generation....my son in the Ninth. See if you can find me. I dare you. I'll even give you a hint - I was born in Colorado.)

I'm letting you in on this because my family is very close (on my mom's side). We have a reunion about every three years and there's generally 100-200 people at each one. I'm extremely close with all of my cousins - including second cousin's etc.

My mom's cousin, whom I was extremely fond of, died in his sleep Saturday night. Last night I sat down to write out sympathy cards for my Great-Aunt (who I love more than life itself....) and my mom's other cousin (his sister). It was extremely hard to sit down and write these cards.

I can not attend the services, since they are on the East Coast and I am flat assed broke. But I can't help but think that a card is a really inadequate way to express how truly sorry I am for them. Again, a mother burying her child and also again, a sibling watching their sibling being lowered into the ground. It just doesn't seem right.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me again. Just when I had my feet back from when Josh died.

I was watching Oprah on Monday and she made the comment that sometimes God speaks to us in a whisper and when we don't listen, he keeps getting louder and louder until he has to yell at us to listen. Until we learn what we are supposed to learn.

Obviously, God is yelling at me to listen, but I don't know what lesson this is that I'm supposed to learn. It's driving me crazy trying to figure it out. Maybe sometimes God isn't speaking to me at all?

The one in which I answer some commenters questions

I'm going in reverse chronological order, so there's my rhyme or reason to this post.

Cecily - first on all, thanks for coming by and leaving a comment. I'm such a bad girl - I lurk at your site every day and only comment sporadically.... Anyway, to answer your question, I hate Lynette because I think she whines too much. They can obviously afford a nanny (since they had one before) so if the kids are too much for her, she can hire some help. She could also go back to work part time and put the kids in daycare part time, etc. I'm actually starting to hate most of the Desperate Housewives - except Edie. Who'da thunk that?

Melissa - No, the dentist didn't give me any pain meds. Since I only had fillings done I think that he figured I wouldn't be hurting later in the day....little did he know.

Kristine - I have not taken our little guy back to the doctor yet. They are doing some re-structuring of their offices and the only pediatrician who would be available this week was the infamous Dr. F. Turd is feeling better, so I decided that I'd rather take him in next week when I can see Dr. K. or the awesome Nurse Practitioner from their office.

As for the picture, you see - it's like this. There's not a lot of cash flowing through our household right now as we are saving up for our bankruptcy (now doesn't that sound like an oxymoron) and I have to get my real estate license and the classes for that are $1200. So, right now we are stuck with a crappy 1.3 mp Sony Cybershot that has juice spilled on the screen. I tried to take a picture with it last week and our computer has decided that it won't recognize it anymore... so I gave up. I did, however, manage to sneak in a self portrait with my work camera the other day... so here it is in all it's glory. Yes, you have to click to see it. I hate making it easy for people to see a really mediocre picture of me.

Romani Heart - I still don't know wtf tramadol is. But, I still have fond feelings toward my first spam comment. I've printed it and framed it, it's hanging over the mantel where the family portrait used to be.

Any more questions?

Reason #366,485 I'm a bad parent

Yesterday I had every intention of taking my son to day care and enjoying a day to myself, spent sleeping and catching up with Poprah. (oops, I mean Oprah)

Instead, I got back from the dentist before my husband usually leaves to take Turd Ferguson to daycare. My son (Mr. Ferguson) threw a fit and starting screaming "NO! It's Mommy and me day! It's Mommy and me day!" Well, the Mom guilt got the better of me and I let him stay home with me.

Since I had felt like ass-on-a-stick on Sunday, I was trying to catch up the laundry which didn't get done. I was half paying attention when he informed me that his hair was going to go "Buzz". When he didn't return to the laundry room immediately, I ran to find him in our bathroom with my husbands beard trimmer.

And two bald stripes - straight down the middle of his head.

Now what do I do? He looks ridiculous. I didn't do anything about it last night and we sent him off to daycare looking that way today.

Do I shave the rest of his hair off and let it all grow in at the same time? And also take the chance that people will assume that he had lice, because why else would you shave off perfectly good little boy hair?

Do I just clip the rest of his hair fairly short, even though you'll still be able to see the baldy stripes....because then people will at least realize that *he* screwed up his own hair?

Do I just leave it be and let it grow in when it grows in? Keeping, of course, his regularly scheduled haircuts?

Just a little FYI in case it will help you decide what sage advice to give me. We keep his hair pretty short as it is. The barber uses clippers with a one guard on the bottom and a two guard on the top.

Shit, I feel like Lynette on Desperate Housewives when she had to shave the gum out of one of the boys hair. And everyone knows I hate Lynette.......

I love the smell of latex in the morning

I had to have 4 fillings done this morning. My mouth still hurts. We had fun at Disney on Ice on Saturday. Yesterday I felt like ass on a stick. Today, I'm taking a vacation day to let my mouth heal.

I'll write more later if I feel better.

Irrational Mom Fear # 7

They will never figure out what's wrong with my son. Last night he fell asleep in our bed and I swear woke up every hour on the hour crying because he couldn't breathe.

My husband is off today and tomorrow and is trying to get him into the doctors today. But come on people....you all have medical degrees and you can't figure out why my son's nose continues to plug up and he drools all the freakin' time???????? Hey-suess Christos. I really hope that my husband doesn't get the one Dr. F. who keeps trying to tell me that my son is allergic to our cats. My son went through the shitty-ass THREE HOUR + allergy testing and is allergic to...







NOTHING.





That's right. He's allergic to nothing, Dr. F. He has also had a CT scan done to determine that he gets recurring sinus infections. He's been tested for Asthma (doesn't have that either). We put him on antibiotics for 45 DAYS! 45 fucking days of that shit and what happens? We turn around two weeks later and he's sick again.

Would it fucking kill you doctors to refer him to an Ear, Nose Throat doctor to at least look at his adenoids (which has been suggested to us by several nurses, because, it may very well indeed be the cause of all the problems)?? Would it??

Fuck.

I just want my baby to be healthy. I don't want him to not be able to sleep at night because he can't breathe. I don't want him to have to take three changes of shirts with him to daycare because his drooling is soaking them through. Why can't these doctors fix him and make him better?

Tonight is Alias night!

My poor husband is going to be left in the cold again. I can't wait for tonight's episode - it looks so good!

I am addicted to TV. I watch way too much TV. I am concerned about this, since my son is often with me as I'm watching way too much TV. But I have my week planned around TV nights.

Sunday night is Simpsons/Arrested Development then Desperate Housewives then Crossing Jordan.

I do not take phone calls on Sunday night and my husband and I tag team the parenting responsibilities during commercial breaks. My son knows better than to expect a really long goodnight ritual on Sunday nights. In fact, he goes to sleep during Desperate Housewives, so it's really, really quick.

Arrested Development is seriously the funniest show on TV. Why isn't anyone else watching it besides me and my husband? Please start watching it. It's great and it's in danger of being cancelled. I know it's on at the same time as Extreme Makeover Home Edition - but do like I do. Watch the first five minutes of Extreme Home Makeover to see the house before - switch to the Simpsons and then switch back to Ty and the gang while Arrested Development is in commercial.

Has anyone noticed that Desperate Housewives is getting kind of bad? They're starting to write the characters to be extreme caricatures of themselves (which is the problem I had with Friends the last two seasons). The only character I still love is Bree - Bree and her serious control issues. I'm starting to like Edie - now that they've fleshed her out a bit....But Susan and Lynette are getting laughable. Look! Lynette is being self-righteous and indignant and still can't control her kids. Wow! Susan is neurotic and clumsy and her daughter is making her decisions for her. Again. I really liked the show at first, but unless they step it up a notch, I'm not sure I'll be back next season.

Monday nights are for Road Rules/Real World challenges

This season happens to be The Inferno II - Good Guys vs. Bad Asses. I hate to admit this - but I am 29 years old (yes...I told you on my birthday, I will continue to be 29 until I can no longer get away with it. Just because I've been 29 now four times doesn't mean anything) and I still watch this crap. And not only do I watch the awful crap - but I care about what happens and my blood pressure actually goes up when someone does something stupid on there and pisses me off. Just for the record, this season I lurve Shavonda, the Miz, Dan (from RW Miami), Landon and I would just love to beat the living daylights out of Veronica, CT, Rachel, Mormon Julie, Beth S. and Karamo. And I do realize that I ought to grow up and start watching Masterpiece Theatre or something on the Discovery channel instead of this drivel....but I can't help it. I've been watching since RW 1 in New York and I can't seem to stop.......

Tuesday nights are The Amazing Race

My son and I watch this together. I think it's the only reality show that I'd be interested in going on. It's kind of like Road Rules (see above) but without the snarkyness. I was so glad to see Ray and Deanna get eliminated last week. I hated the way he treated her - like he was king shit or something. I really hope Rob and Amber don't win, because I hate them.....hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them. Oh yeah - I hate them. So even though it's so unlikely, I'd really like to see Meredith and Gretchen win. If they can't - I'd be OK with the Lynn and Alex or Uchenna and Joyce. Just not Rob and Amber - did I mention that I hate them?

Wednesday nights spell ALIAS!

I love, lurve, LOVE Alias. Although, I do wish they would go back to some more of the Rambaldi storylines, but apparently no one else did - which is why they went away from them this season. My husband hates Alias. Every time I'm watching it he just *has* to make some comment about how unrealistic the whole premise of that particular episode. And everytime I tell him "Honey - it's a TV show for Christ's sake.....not a documentary" It kind of reminds me of all the uproar within the Catholic church over The DaVinci Code not being historically accurate (ummm, when I found the book at Barnes and Noble - it was in the FICTION section, so I'm not sure about how historically accurate it needs to be). If you can't suspend your reality for a little butt-kicking action on Wednesday nights, well then, you're probably too stuffy for me :)

Thursday nights are reserved for The Apprentice and Without a Trace

I'm finding this season's Apprentice to hold my interest much more than the prior two. I think it's the "street smarts vs book smarts" angle. I never finished college, although I'm ten times smarter than many people I know who did finish. I've still managed to make something of myself without the little piece of paper....so I get angry when I'm looked down upon for not having a degree. I was quite upset last week when they interviewed Stephanie in the cab and she was all "the non-collegiates are just unpolished, they're rude and loud and just can't get a thing done....." blah, blah, blah. I know that she meant Chris and Angie - and they are loud and obnoxious and I think will be soon to depart. But Tana and Craig were also on the "Street Smarts" team - and they rock. I SOOO hope my Tana wins it all. I think the final two will be Tana and Bren. I think Chris will be next to get fired, followed by Angie, Kendra and then Alex.

This is another show that my son and I watch together. In fact, we were at dinner last Saturday night and I told him that he couldn't have something and he looked my square in the eye and said "YOU'RE FIRED". He even did the little finger point/hand gesture that The Donald does. Man, I never laughed so hard in my life....then I told him he couldn't fire me, 'cause I'm the boss.

Friday night is What Not To Wear

I wish that someone would nominate me for that show. I'd throw away all of my clothes in a heartbeat to have $5G to spend on some new threads. Either that or I wish they'd take the people shopping at Target and Wal-Mart - so that I'd know how to dress well on my budget. One thing that always irritates me when I'm watching this show is how people fight them on keeping their ugly ass clothes or on Clinton and Stacy's suggestion about what to buy. If these folks thought their way was working so well, why not tell them to fuck off when they show up with the cameras to offer up the makeover in the first place? I'm sorry, if someone was giving me $5,000 to spend on new clothes, I'd buy clown shoes if they told me they would make my ass look smaller.

You know, on Saturdays, we don't watch much TV. Of course Saturday and Sunday mornings are dominated by Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr. which leads me to an all day chorus of "Esau, turn the wheel" or the theme song from the Backyardigans. Maybe it isn't so bad that I'm exposing my son to so much TV. We also sing and listen to music (all kinds, from classical to jazz to country to hip-hop to punk and ska) and read books and play with "Let's Pretend" toys. I guess this is really a post about Mom Guilt.....again. Because my irrational mother fear #1,456,783 is that my son will grow up to be a big imbecile who is illiterate and dysfunctional all because I let him watch too much TV.

Is it possible to shrink during the course of the day?

Because I swear that I do. When I leave the house in the morning, I usually re-adjust my rearview mirror because sometimes my husband will take my car somewhere over the course of the evening.

Yesterday morning I did just that. I got in the car, moved the seat around and made the mirror just perfect for me.

I left work yesterday and got into the same car that no one else had driven and the rearview mirror was too high. Now....how is that possible? I mean, it was set perfectly when I left the house in the morning.....how is it that it now needs re-adjusting so that I can make it home.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. So what I want to know is....am I shrinking during the day (you know, being oppressed by my job and all) only to stretch back out overnight as I'm sleeping??? Because if that's true - I think I'm going to claim workers comp.

This is for Romani Heart :)

Here in Colorado - this is what we call a MOUNTAIN ;)

It's true. I am quite possibly the worlds worst parker in the universe.

Even though I made a beeyootiful parallel park last Wednesday night (and it only took me three tries!!) Yes, it's true. I suck at parking. I think that it has something to do with my depth perception, as I am often running into walls with just my body as well. Let me tell you about the parking situation that I have.

In my lifetime of parking I have:

Hit a light pole backing out my Dad's Audi when I was 16. I swear the clutch jumped on me though and it wasn't my fault. I always wondered why he didn't let me drive the 911.

Hit a car backing out of a parking space at Planned Parenthood when I was 17. Luckily, I drove a beater and the lady whose car I hit also drove a beater. I think she felt sorry for me and decided that I didn't do enough damage to report it. Thank God too, because I'm not sure what my Dad would have been more pissed about: the car or the fact that I was picking up my birth control pills (although in my defense, my stepmom knew about "the pill" and she was cool with it).

Hit another car backing out of a space to go to lunch in high school. I think I was already 18 at the time. The thing with that one is that I don't think it was my fault. I looked and looked and looked and even double checked my blind spots. The car I hit was driven by two "frat boy" types and I swear they weren't paying attention and driving too fast. My grandparents ended up buying them a new $500 rear end bumper/tail light combo....even though the kid who was actually driving LIED and said he wasn't (because he didn't have a license and his parents would have KILLED him). It's OK though. They're super-dooper-Christians and I figure if it doesn't eat at their conscience for all eternity - God will judge them harshly for their lack of remorse. (So there Blair Grant and your stupid ass friend at Wasson High School in Colorado Springs, CO. I'll see you both at the 20th reunion and we'll talk again then. Bastards)

I did really well for a while after that. I only "just barely" hit walls and poles and the like.

Until I was trying to park in my garage at my apartments for the first time when I was 25. I thought I had the angle right and I went for it. I smashed in the entire front passenger side quarter panel.

My newest car has no passenger side tail light. I was backing out of a space and while looking in the rearview (because honest to God, I do look) I saw the light pole behind me and I *knew* that I had another foot (at least). CRUNCH. I apparently did not take into consideration the huge concrete base of the light pole which was four feet in diameter at least. AT LEAST.

I also have numerous dings and scratches and dents from where I have run into walls and other concrete barriers while trying to park my car.

I suck at parking.

The worst part about this all is that I am just as clumsy out of my car. You know Susan on Desperate Housewives? I'm pretty sure they based her on me. Except divorced, thin and GORGEOUS. I'm not those things. But I am clumsy and neurotic and overly concerned with what other people think of me.

Anyway, just in case anyone is wondering where this post came from........I, um.....kind of ran into the wall again this morning while parking in the garage. And not in a minor, I'm the only one who noticed it kind of way, but in a Anyone within a three mile radius heard the crunch and people stopped and stared way.

Yep.

Help him out - quick

He still needs out help. We have until midnight PST April 1, 2005.

April Fools

It's Friday....and it's April Fools Day.

My husband always gets me on April Fools Day and I can never come up with a way to get him.


Any ideas?