SPF - Something I've Kept From A Past Relationship

This is an ID bracelet that my boyfriend from high school gave me. I don't know why I keep it. I never, ever wear it. But I won't throw it out either....Huh, go figure.

SPF - My keys

I know it's ridiculous. See that smaller set attached to the access card? Hopefully, I'll be giving those up in about two weeks!

SPF - The view from my front door

HA! Like I'm going to take a picture of the inside of my messy assed house.

My favorite wedding picture

This is my favorite wedding picture. It was taken during the best man's toast. My husband's Dad (yes, my favorite father in law) was the best man. He raised his glass and asked everyone in the reception if they knew that we were expecting. (We weren't) After letting an incredibly long pause go by, he says "Yes, expecting to have a great life". Anyhoo, I was so shocked by it that all I could do was laugh and bury my head. Obviously my husband didn't see it coming either...

When Do You Throw In The Towel?

When do you give up? Admit defeat? Call it Quits? Say adios?

Do you continually beat the proverbial dead horse? Or do you admit to yourself that it's time to give up?

I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexic's look in the mirror at 5 foot 9 weighing 90 pounds and say "I'm so fat". Well, I look in the mirror at 5 foot 6 weighing 190 pounds and think - "Hey, a little gut, but not so bad"

Then I catch a glimpse in a window. Or I see a picture taken at an unflattering angle. And it hits me.

I am fat.

I am not just a little overweight. This is not just an extra five pounds. I'm not a skinny-minnie who freaks out about gaining an ounce.

Nope - I'm fat.

So the thing is this. I really know in my head that I should lose weight. But the truth is that I have no staying power. I get myself all motivated and I get up early and exercise. I take a walk/run after I get my son to bed. I deprive myself of all yummy food and I eat lots and lots of salads. And for a week or a month everything is good. Until I just stop. And the chocolate becomes too tempting. And I'm too tired to do anything but sit on my ample ass after putting my son to bed. And I hit snooze an extra ten times in the morning.

It's like I've resigned myself to be fat. But remember, in my head, there's the reverse anorexia. So I'm still buying clothes for the skinny me.

So, do I give up now and say - Hey, you know what - it's genetic? I'm never going to be a super skinny chick. It's NEVER going to happen. And that's OK. So I should just get used to seeing a big me in pictures or in the window of the office building next to mine. I should start dressing in the clothes that hide the fat. At least flatter the fat.

Or do I continue to beat myself up over the battle of the bulge? I mean, it took me 7 or 8 times of quitting smoking before I finally feel like I have it beat. I have NO desire to start smoking again. In fact, I don't even get that longing for a cigarette when I see someone else smoking now. So, how many attempts at dieting/exercising/lifestyle changing do I have to make before it clicks? Do I keep trying different programs until it clicks?

Here's the thing. I'm healthy. My cholesterol is low. My heart is strong. Medically there's no reason to lose the weight.

But I hate the way I look in pictures. I hate that in my head, I know that 5 foot 6 and 190 pounds = FAT. I know the labels on my clothes aren't lying when they say Extra Large. Obviously when people look at me the first adjective to describe me that pops into their head is fat.

Do I embrace this like Camryn Manheim or Kathy Najimy or Roseanne Barr and say "Yup. I'm fat. But I'm a good person. I'm smart and successful. I'm a great mother. And so what if I can't wear a size 6? Or 8? Or 12?" and just live peacefully with the fact that I'm a little bigger than other people. Or do I continue on the week/month at a time attempts at getting smaller until something clicks for me?

Why do we tie so much significance on weight anyway?

Soooo, here we are

And I haven't posted in almost a week.

I'd love to say that I've been out gallivanting around the globe with J-Lo and Paris Hilton. But I haven't been.

I'd love to say that I was part of a secret plot designed to erase Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes from recent memory. But I was not.

I'd even love to say that I was deep undercover with Sydney Bristow trying desperately to discover who Vaughn really is. But, again, I was not.

Instead I've been BURIED at work. I've been terrified to use the work computer for anything personal since "the talk", so I've been meaning to post at home.

Home. Hmmm. Yeah. Home. Not so good at home. Not to go into details, but holy hell...will someone please make it stop?? I am only human and I can only take so much before I'm pushed over the edge. Seriously. I can't even come up with a smart-assy comment to make a big joke about the whole thing.

Oh yeah, and to top it all of, I've got the Mother of all Head Colds. I take the medicine so that I can "smell" (to quote a small person with whom I live) and then I get that "medicine head" feeling and all is waaaaaaaayy out there. I don't take the medicine and have a clear head - but I can't fucking breathe. For all that's sacred and holy - can't I have both? A clear head and nose? I really don't think that I'm asking all that much.

seriously, drop it

OK, I have to preface this post by saying that I am not always "in the know", but I do think that I'm a little hipper than most people my age. That said, even I know a trend has played itself out when you see a man in his early 60's wearing shorts that really were too tight and too short, knee socks, SANDALS and his t-shirt which had shooting stars and something else cutesy on it that said "DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT". WTF??? Snoop must be so proud. Of all the days to be at Wal-Mart without my camera.

Nooooo - it cant' be almost Monday already.....

My Saturday went way too fast. We spent the morning setting up the pool.

Then Mi Mami and sister suprised us by coming up with his new Turtle Sandbox and a Little Tykes car. Mi Mami decided that we needed to go to Casa Bonita to eat and my son spent a lot of time winning at the arcade games. (Look closely and you'll notice that he's only winning one ticket at a time)

Mi Mami had to bail my sister out of the pokey while we were there. (She was arrested for wearing another LONG SLEEVED sweatshirt on a hot summer day)

After we got home from spending time with Mami and sister, we took a quick nap and then headed up to the Western Complex to see my nieces and my FAVORITE (ex) member of my husband's family. He and his new wife had the girls and were down in Denver for a Father's Day roping. My nieces are getting so big and beautiful...They're almost grown...Where does the time go?

We spent all day today finishing up our bedroom...my poor husband didn't get much of a Father's Day. But we're almost finished. I think we need one more coat of paint on the furniture and there are some areas on the wall that need touched up. I hope to have some pictures up in the next day or so.

Happy Fathers Day to all of the Dads!

It's Saturday!

DSCF0186
Originally uploaded by kelito.

And I am so relieved to see the weekend.

My nieces are in town with their Dad and his new wife and we will probably meet up with them at the zoo leter in the day.

I've still got to finish painting the bedroom (I'm trying to shoot for this weekend) and we need to fix the dryer. But other than that - I am going to RELAX!

Something That No One Else Has

DSCF0182
Originally uploaded by kelito.

This is my pig. I saw it at a furniture store in Gillette, WY and for some reason I *had* to have it. It was actually somewhat expensive and I didn't think that I could spend that kind of money on something so frivolous.

My husband got it for me for our anniversary that year. I know that there were a lot of people scratching their heads over why I was so excited over a wooden pig with beans for eyes, but it's really one of my favorite presents ever.

I mean, look at it. It's just happy :)

Something I'm Obligated To Keep

DSCF0179
Originally uploaded by kelito.

This is our cat Winnie. Winnie is really annoying. She likes to try and sleep "on" you and will knead you with her claws for hours if you let her. She jumps up on counters and dressers and bookshelves and knocks everything over with either her tail or her girth. She whines incessantly when she's hungry and she will scratch in the litter box for several minutes after using it - but never covers anything up.

But we love her and we'll keep her.

What Was I Thinking?

DSCF0165
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Yes, I know I'm a day early.

But you see, I was checking blogs at work today and my boss pulled me into a meeting and wanted to know if I was using the company computer for personal use. Well shit, I'm a bad liar so I couldn't act idignant and shocked and say "How could you accuse me of such a thing? I would NEVER misuse company equipment in that way!"

So instead I made up some story of how I was looking up something to help my grandma and needed to email my sister about it.

Now I'm afraid that he *knows* about the blog....not that I've ever said anything bad about him or work or anyone I work with on here - but still. Someday I might want to, so I'd just rather they not know about it. And it's really my own damn fault, I kept closing down windows when he'd walk by. Nothing like screaming "OBVIOUS!", is there?

So, um, I hope that he really doesn't check out the old blog. And just to be safe, I've added ANOTHER stat counter. In the meantime, I'm going to not be able to check blogs from work. I mean, I love you all - but I love to pay my bills more.

Which is why I'm a day early for Stuff Portrait Friday. Y'all will just have to deal with it.

My What Was I Thinking? is my Bally's membership. I got it in January, went 5 or 6 times, have since moved to where it's VERY inconvenient for me to get there and I'm still paying $40 a month for it. I think I'll be "moving" to Wyoming soon.

Boo!

DSCF0145
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Am I overreacting?

I just got this email:

Hi There!

We got Bubba a T-Shirt in Mexico. But, by the time we see him he'll out grow it... :-D .LOL! So I will pop it into the mail this week or next, okay?! We are busy at the place I work to the point of purchasing 2 new trucks. I go full time on July 1.....there goes the leisure afternoons...Hahahaha!

Dad is doing okay, he works out at the little airport on Saturdays, to make extra $$$...and so I can clean house, which lasts till they get home ! We are watching your brother's dogs this week and they have already eaten a new $30.00 tree...so much for landscaping........LOL. They are in Florida and will get back Saturday afternoon.

Father's Day we are going 4-wheeling with the dads. Hope it is a good sunny day, I want to keep my top down for the day! Your sister-in-law got a new jeep a Wrangler, it's copper , but we tease her and call it pumpkin. Your sister and BIL will be going too , I think......and my son and his fiancee. So it will be fun. The 4th of July weekend we are taking the motor home up to the Lost Burro, just outside Cripple Creek for the weekend.Other than that all is well and we are doing okay...How about you guys?

Love,
Step-Mom and Dad
This email is in it's entirety - I only took names out

OK - here's the part where I get all senstive like and start to lose it, just a little bit. Umm, my husband and I were never invited. (To the 4-wheeling) My whole freaking family is going (I'm pretty sure that my mom told me that she was invited...) and not one person has bothered to ask if my family would like to go. And don't get me started on the "with the Dads" my stepbrother does not have kids (therefore - not a Dad) and neither does my BIL (again - not a Dad) but umm, my husband has a kid (therefore - is a Dad, just by simple definition of the word Dad).

So - to my family who reads my blog regularly (and I know you do). You suck. Fuck you. And um, if you're going to do something without inviting us - do you think you could maybe try to keep it secret and not rub it in my face??? You know, I know that sometimes I'll do something with my sister without my brother, I know that my sister and brother do stuff without me invited. You know - it's no big deal. But to plan a big assed family event (even going so far as inviting my mom and her boyfriend) and PURPOSEFULLY not invite us. I'm sorry, but in my head - that crosses a line.

I have this sneaking suspicion that this has something to do with certain personal problems that I've been having lately. And I'll tell you all what...he's still my husband and none of you are perfect. Even if he and I weren't getting along so well, he's still my son's father and he DESERVES your respect as such. Just remember, as you sit there and judge us, none of you are perfect. Remember what they say about glass houses and remember your karma people.

So, I'm sitting here at work crying. I've had such a lousy fucking day. Thank's family for the cherry on top.


************************UPDATE**************************

See how passive-agressive I am? Rather than pick up the phone and talk to someone about this - I blog it. Because I know they will see it. My therapist would be very disappointed in my behavior today. Doesn't mean I'm erasing the post though. Good God - I'm immature. I should really hit delete this post, because I know it's going to stir up trouble. But I don't.



Yep.



Still sitting here thinking about how much I disappoint my therapist.


Contemplating creating a post for each family member where I point out each of their every flaws.


I don't start that post, because if they started in on my flaws - I'd be reading it for three weeks.

Oh yeah - and these too

The new Nine West's
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Doesn't everyone enjoy my pointy toed shoes? The first pair is the one Mi Mami bought for me :) This pair is the one I picked up this past weekend.


I don't know if any of you believe in love at first sight - but let me tell you. This shoe had me at hello. The way the striped canvas gives it a casual look, yet it's a three inch heel - so not slouchy.

Want to know my problem? I don't know what to wear them with? I know I can wear them with jeans and khaki's - but do you think I could wear them with a suit? Because I think Casual Corner and Ann Taylor are having sales this weekend. What color suit/shirt would be OK?

How a new shoe makes for one happy lady

The New Enzo Heel's
Originally uploaded by kelito.

In which I declare what a bad blogger I am....but how I finally bought a new camera

Monkey at the Park
Originally uploaded by kelito.

I have nothing to say. Seriously. I could bore the world with the minutiae of my daily grind - but really, who wants to hear about my laundry (my dryer broke and I have my whites mildewing away as we speak) or that I bought new shoes (pictures to follow - I meant to do mrtl Monday this week - it's about feet. Feet = shoes = new shoes = happy KC) or that we're in the process of tearing apart our bedroom and painting (I'll post pictures as soon as we're done). I also won't tell you about how I heart Kristine's new spa bathroom so much that we're thinking about doing ours up the same way.

I should really post some "before" pictures of our little house. We totally rented our duplex because it's kind of a dive. We love the neighborhood it's in, but couldn't afford to rent anywhere 'nicer', so we found a place with potential and a landlord who is fine with us making some changes. We need to paint the whole place, especially the ceilings. We're taking it one room at a time and since the master bedroom is usually the last place decorated in most people's houses, I decided to make it the first room done in ours. We have a long, tiring summer of work ahead of us on this particular project. When we're finished, I hope that it's fantastique!

So, I'll leave you today with a picture of my son at the park which is right up the street from us. In our charming neighborhood that I love.

Thanks Blogosphere

I can't thank some of you enough lately. As some of you know, I'm going through some MASSIVE inner turmoil right now and I'm not sure I'd be making it through without all of you.

I need to especially thank Kristine for the phone call at lunch and making me realize that it's not the end of the world.

I don't know if I can express my gratitude properly for all of the support I receive here. Maybe because I'm not "controversial", but I've never had a bad experience while keeping my blog. I have learned that I'm not the only one who immediately thinks of Jessie Spano when I hear the words "I'm so excited". (Actually, I think of Zack, because I was always a Zack girl).

When I'm ready, I'll be able to share more details of my private turmoil, but for now it's good to know that I have a built-in support system for when that time comes.

Advice Wanted

Allrighty - I ordered my new shirts, but I had to order down a size of what I'm wearing now to get the t-shirt.

I really want to wear it to SpeedWeek on the big Friday night event.

I've already started the South Beach diet again. How in the hell can I lose 40 pounds or so in 22 days?

Also, how can I tone up my arms in 22 days?

Seriously - I need a miracle. I want to wear this shirt for the hot race car drivers. I need to not look like a fat ass in it. HELP!!!

PS - I'm going to start running (OK, walking really fast at first) at night after my son's in bed. I've started doing some light Yoga in the morning. Any other ideas?

I'm so excited

(Sung in *not* the annoying Jessie Spano way - sorry Cat)

I just ordered myself presents. Look at what I'm getting:





I know, I know that some of you will look at my way cool presents and scratch your head wondering why I'm so excited about them. But they're twofold. First - I haven't bought anything frivolous for myself in a while and Second - they were purchased with my "not going out to lunch" money.

Speed Week is coming up in Colorado Springs and I can't wait. They close off a portion of downtown and bring in drivers and cars and motorcycle stuntpeople. It's sooo much fun. I think my son is finally old enough to go.

Now, I just need to get some cute strappy sandals that will look good with jeans and my new sweatshirt....

In which I delcare...

....huh. This diet isn't too terrible.

Someone please remind me of this in a week when I really, really want a Krispie Kreme.

In which I declare all that is good about my weekend

Mi Mami bought me some new shoes. Fabulous new shoes.

That just about sums up my fabulous weekend.

It was so nice to have a break from everything. I was away from work. I was away from my husband. I was (almost) away from my kid.

I went out for drinks with my bestest girlfriend - Laurie. I have been feeling less than fabulous for a while. For a long while. In fact, I can't even look at pictures of myself from back when I "thought" I was fabulous, because I look at them and can't see any fabulousness in them.

I've been considering plastic surgery lately. Seriously. I've been thinking about getting a nose job and a breast lift. That's how far I'm taking the 'I don't feel fabulous' feelings.

This weekend, Laurie made me see that I really was fabulous. That I still am fabulous. Even if I don't necessarily feel that way right now. We were sitting at the bar and someone actually flirted with me (and not just the bartender, who, you know, was working it for tips). Then this sort of odd feeling came over me....this feeling of a weight being lifted. Someone actually saw some worth in me. There was someone who found me attractive, even when I couldn't feel further from that. Not that I am planning on having an affair, because I would never, ever do that. It had just been that long since someone (and that includes my husband) found me worth making a special trip to talk to. (Edited to note: although it made me feel great at the time, I'm crying almost as I edit this - I can't believe I've felt this way for FOUR YEARS!)

So, you know what? I am fabulous. I have been neglecting myself in order to please everyone else and I've lost sight of that. Yes - I am overweight. Big time. But I am going to work on that. AND - I am still witty and smart and can converse about sports (yes, including NASCAR) or politics or literature or classical music or popular music - intelligently. I am caring and loving and I'm a great Mom. I'm a great sister (even though I'm not often welcome with the others). I'm a good daughter and a good granddaughter. I'm a great wife. I am good at my job and I'm eager to learn. I want MORE out of life and I'm going to get it.

So yesterday, I gave myself a manicure and pedicure (husband is still unemployed, so no spa for me, boo-hoo) and put in some highlights in the old hair. I bought some decent hair products (no more Costco shampoo, Kathy ;) and some good makeup. (OK, still broke, so Mi Mami paid for these - because she hearts me uh-lot).

Today - I'm back on the stupid ass South Beach diet. Even though I kind of hate it - it worked for me before and I know it can work again. My weight is a huge part of me not feeling so fabulous and it's time I take ownership of my depression eating. I brought a healthy spinach salad for lunch and contemplated the savings of not eating out at lunch. $5-$10 a day @ 5 days a week = up to $50 a week. That buys a lot of shoes! It's great! I'm getting healthy and new shoes. (There was a pair of BCBGirls pumps that were so super-cute, but I couldn't justify spending the $50 since they'd only 'go' with jeans. In one week, I can buy them! If I bring my salad from home)

Today - I feel confident for the first time in a REALLY long time. I put on my new strappy shoes this morning and there was a spring in my step. I sashayed down the street and knew, just knew that I am a good person. Again, this is not something special to most people - but for me it was a huge step.

Somehow or another, I'm going to have to find a way to keep motivated and keep remembering that I am a good person. I deserve to have some nice things (I tended to deprive myself and give all to my husband and son). I deserve to be happy. I deserve to take some classes that will better my life at work. I deserve to diet and lose weight.

I'm excited about my life for the first time in a very long time.

yea. it's friday.

I just wrote this really long, long post and realized that I couldn't post it. NO, blogger is working OK, I just couldn't post it yet. I couldn't even reference myself in the first person in the post.

So instead, I'm just going to wish everyone a happy weekend. Everyone sit back and relax. Go catch the NASCAR race on Sunday - it's at Dover. And my nephew's in luck. I forgot to change my drivers in time for Fantasy NASCAR - so I have Charlotte winners in - not Dover winners. But regardless, everyone root for my driver - The Alltel #12 driver - RYAN NEWMAN. Yes, he has a gigantic cranium (even so much that he kind of resembles an orange on a toothpick) but he's smart and he's fast. And he's never placed below the top 5 at Dover (at least not that I recall) so it should be a good weekend for us.

I'm going to spend the evening tonight with my Mom's cousin (which makes her my second cousin - I think...) and we're going on the First Friday Art Walk, which should be a lot of fun.

Since I've had such a shitty week, I'm thinking about letting my son spend the night with Moomoo on Saturday and going out with my best girlfriend. I think it's going to have to happen, I REALLY need the break!

So everyone - have a great weekend. I'll see you on Monday!

In which I give equal time to MooMoo

************UPDATED************ I realized that these are really small pictures, so click on them to go to a larger pic - if ya' wanna :)


Saturday we went to the zoo with my mom and my sister. I'm just now posting pictures, because I know have to "borrow" someone else's camera since mine is kaput.

Since we bought the membership to the zoo, my son and I have gone almost every weekend. This has led to a little bit of this on his part:


Until we decided that we were tired of pulling him and it was his turn to pull us:


And this is what I'm talking about regarding The Boobs:

Look at that baggy assed sweatshirt - and it was HOT out!!!

And here's the equal time for Mi Mami....she's cute too - even when she does her Flamingo impersonation.



And in all fairness, I have to share this EXTREMELY depressing picture as well.

There will be more to come regarding this nasty, gross, obviously faked picture.

Also, for those who are comparing my lovely shots to Kristine's fabulous photos - just remember, us poor folks don't have a BAMF....but we wish we did.

In which KC declares her geekiness

and a love for auto racing. I know that a lot of people don't "get" auto racing. I mean, what's exciting about watching a bunch of people drive around in a circle for three hours? But you know, I don't "get" basketball. Or TV golf. Or polo. Or waterpolo. Hell, there's a lot of things that I don't get. Like, why did my sister get all the boobs in the family when she never wants to show the girls off? (Always in the big sweatshirts and sweaters, I don't think she own's a V-neck....) My point is - to each his own. But for us, auto racing is in our blood.

My father(isn't he cute?) used to race cars when he was much younger. After marrying my mom and having two more kids (plus my older brother from his frist marriage) my mom insisted that he stop racing cars. (After an incident involving a night rallye, a truck teetering off a cliff and an almost widow) This doesn't mean that we stopped our involvement with auto racing - non, non mon cheries. I can't even begin to count how many Sunday's were spent with the Pikes Peak Sports Car Club or the Porsche Club or the Sports Car Club of America. It was like our family's version of church. Literally thousands of Saturday nights were spent at Beacon Hill or Pikes Peak Speedway or Colorado Springs Speedway. And just about every year on the 4th of July we had to head up to watch Ralph Bruning and the Unsers and the Vascholtzes race the Pikes Peak Hill Climb. It was such a disease in our home that when my brother and sister-in-law got married on 4th of July 1991, my father wore his walkman to their ceremony (with the little earbud headphones) and listened to the Hill Climb throughout their ceremony. When I got married on August 26th - I made sure to pick a Saturday night that didn't have a NASCAR night race. My sister managed to get married in December, during the break in racing. Don't tell me that I don't catch on quick.

Anyway, The Girl From Ipanema reminded me with her post yesterday about how much auto racing is ingrained into my psyche. I watched the Indy 500 on Sunday, as I always do, and waited secretly hoping that Danica Patrick would *not* be the first woman to win Indy. Because, you see, if she did - that would ruin the dream for me that *I* would be the first woman to win Indy.

When I was 7 or 8, my Dad was building a Hill Climb car for his friend - David Kois. David's son, Davey was my age; their daughter was my sister's age and we were ALWAYS together during the car building season. Anyhoo - Davey thought he was King Shit and that he was going to be the best race car driver ever (because his Dad was a better racer than my Dad, according to him. Ohhh Davey, so wrong, so wrong.) And I KNEW that I was going to be the best race car driver ever, because, you know - I just was better than him at everything else. (Except apparently, Parking. Little did we know I would turn out to be the World's Worst Parker) We would spend HOURS arguing about it. Literally hours.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. "KC, you're 32 years old. Like you're ever going to be a race car driver. Shit - you can't park without breaking something on either your car or the area you're parking in" But guys, listen, It's my DREAM. My little girl's hearts and butterflies and unicorns DREAM to be the first woman to beat Davey Kois at the Indy 500.

I wonder where the Kois' are now. I think he and my Dad had a falling out over something to do with the Hill Climb car - or they moved away - or alien's took them and gave them anal probes. Fuck if I know. But Davey Kois - I challenge you to a race any day. 'Cause I can still beat you. Just not at parking.