KELITO

This is where I say goodbye...at least for now

2005-08-11T12:40:00.000-06:00

I have to take a break from blogging.

The truth is, I've been forcing myself to write for a while now. I just haven't been into it. There's also a lot going on at home and it's about to get worse with dog obedience training and real estate courses....so, I've come to the conclusion that it's just time to admit that I just need to re-prioritize my priorities and unfortunately, blogging doesn't even crack the top ten.

I may still post from time to time, when I feel like I have something important to say or to hash through. I think I still want to play Stuff Portrait Friday, because that's fun that the whole family can enjoy ;). But as for maintaining an (almost) daily site....well, not right now anyway. Maybe after all of the craziness is over I can come back and write more often.

So thank all of you who take the time out of your day to come visit me. I'll still be checking all of you out when I can!

Egads!

2005-08-02T06:10:00.000-06:00

I hate the first part of the month.

I am so busy at work. Rent Collection. Accounting Reports. Narrative to the Owner. Plus, it's getting to be budget time really quickly and I'm trying to get bids in before I have to sit down and actually write the damn thing. Yesterday I had to tour two groups for a janitorial bid. I HATE being on the spot like that. Just me and a group of people all asking me questions that sometimes I don't know. Uck. It gives me huge anxiety and I feel all awkward and stupid. I'm so glad it's done that it's not even funny.

Today should be better. I get to talk to florists/landscapers about changing our plantscaping (which I HATE, currently) and about our holiday decorations. I like doing that stuff. I took two proposals yesterday for the holiday decor and finished up the details on my summer tenant party (Root Beer Floats) and worked on saving a date for our Winter Holiday Party (Espresso cart and either breakfast or desserts). KC was very productive. Indeed.

So, I hope that this explains why I haven't been posting or commenting much the last few days. I'm reading - I'm keeping up with everyone, just not commenting.

Anyway, it's time for me to get up off the 'puter and get ready for a hectic day of rent collection calls, accruals, plantscaping and some other shit I know I have to do, but have forgotten about for now.

Oh yeah, please send positive vibes for my husband. He is trying to get a job doing facilities maintenance at the Museum of Nature and Science.

The positive vibes worked with Grandma. Her surgery went awesome, like a breeze! She's home and feeling great.

SPF - July 29, 2005

2005-07-30T15:45:00.000-06:00

DSCF0543
Originally uploaded by kelito.

So, I'm a day late. I really meant to get this done yesterday. Really, I did. Anyhoo, this is our bed. You'll notice the lack of bedspread or comforter and the fan in the window. It's been HOT here. WAY hot. And we don't have A/C.

You get a view of both my dresser from the outside:

(You'll note that we're totally doing a Trading Spaces thing with the dresser. I'm still not done painting, I need to touch up some areas)

Inside the drawers, the top is undergarments, socks and the like. Second drawer is sweats/shorts and the bottom drawer is jammies. I love me some jammies. My favorite pair are my

Ryan Newman NASCAR jammies that Mi Mami bought for me.

Eventually today and tomorrow, I'll be around checking everyone else's stuff out.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Dear God, I'm A Big Fat Dork

2005-07-28T16:20:00.000-06:00

So, there's this guy that works in my building that I think is really hot, in a Harrison Ford, Patrick Stewart distinguished gentleman kind of way.

Definitely in an untouchable kind of way. You know, like if Cat met Constantine. Or if I actually met Ben Affleck.

Anyway, I was doing my property inspection today and I ended up walking past his office. I always try to catch a glance while avoiding eye contact with him, because, you know....I think he's hot. And if he makes eye contact then he'll know that I think he's hot. In that Harrison Ford, Patrick Stewart kind of way.

So today, I'm walking past his office and he looks right at me, so what do I do? I smile like a goober and give him this retarded little wave, like a three year old waves. I know he thought "Who the hell is this retard waving at me like she's a three year old girl?"

I am such a big fat dork.

*****Disclaimer for my husband, who reads my blog****
Yes, I think this guy is hot. Just like you think Denise Richards is hot. And you thought that girl with the huge hooters that lived at Chimney Ridge was hot. Not cheat on you and leave you for him hot. Just eye candy hot.

Thoughts & Prayers? Please.

2005-07-28T08:00:00.000-06:00

Grandma is going for stomach surgery today. Apparently, she has a hernia which has allowed her stomach to flip up over her diaphragm, making it hard to digest anything and making it even harder to breathe. She is also getting her gall bladder taken out.

Step-MIL is going to the cardiologist in Casper. Her oncologist in Gillette has found more lumps under her arm, but they are more concerned about her ticker. If everything gets the all clear from the cardiologist, then they will biopsy the lumps. She is a one time breast cancer survivor. I really don't want her to have to go through this again.

MIL is having a really hard time dealing with the insurance companies paying for the funeral home expenses and the flight for life and the ICU for Josh. She's hired an attorney and they are going to court next week. Like she needs to deal with this right now, right? The woman lost her son and now has to fight with the insurance company to get his funeral paid for. Un-fucking-believable. Greedy assed bastards.

My cousins are coming out for grandmas birthday in two weeks. (MOM - this is a surprise. Keep your mouth SHUT. If I find out that you've spilled the beans, I will personally beat your ass. - Note, I know that this seems harsh. I love my mother, I really, really do. It's just that she can't keep a secret. Even though she says she can. She can't) I love my cousins. I do. It's just that my older cousin has this way of making these snarky comments that make me feel really bad. ie, "Women who have c-sections are lazy" after she knew that I'd had a c-section and I wasn't given a choice about it. Anyway, it's already started, I asked if we could take the three little ones to Kiddie Kandids and get a picture of all three of them together for grandma's birthday and she tells me "Well, I think that's really cheesy. But I guess we can do it" She knows that I get my son's pictures done there all the time, so I guess I'm really cheesy. I know that it's mostly my issues. That I feel inadequate around them because they both have post-graduate degrees and I never even finished college. They both stay home with their children, because their husbands make enough money to support them, whereas, I work. I don't think that it's intentional on their part. I really don't. But it still makes me feel bad and I'm still not looking forward to a solid week of feeling like my life doesn't amount for shit compared to theirs.

Feh, so anyway.

Any spare good thoughts, prayers, whatever - could you send them my way?

You'll never regret having another one

2005-07-27T06:12:00.000-06:00

So, I um thought I might be pregnant this weekend. I was late and my boobs hurt like they haven't hurt in about four years.

Y'all know that I have been saying for a long time that I only want one. That I'm completely satisfied with the current size of my family. That it's hard to improve on perfection. That I'm really happy that we'll be able to provide better for our son.

Well, when Aunt Flo finally showed her face Sunday night, I was hysterical. The thing is that it's not like we're trying, this would have been a complete surprise.

I guess I should clarify here. Over the weekend I realized that I desperately want another child. I know that we can't have one, because we can't afford it.

Then I think to myself, well hell. People have all sorts of children that they can't afford and they figure out a way to make it work. But a baby would seriously put our family into even more dire straights financially. And I'm not talking about just giving up the morning latte or new shoes. I'm talking about having to eat ramen noodles for weeks on end and living in the ghetto in a small apartment.

I want to know how people afford it. I make a good living, but still. There is no way that we could afford an extra $1,000/month on infant daycare, let alone diapers, formula and all the rest that comes with a baby.

I'm depressed about it, if you can't tell. I really wish that my period had never been late, that I'd never even "gone there" so that I could continue to live happily knowing that my family is complete, rather than sitting here contemplating what someone said to me one time. "You'll never regret having another child, but you may very well regret not having another one"

mrtl motif Monday - Goals

2005-07-25T06:10:00.000-06:00

Ugh, my goal, not only this week, but for all time is to get organized.

I haven't been on much this weekend. As soon as I started feeling better Saturday morning, I had just enough time to take Rusty Shackelford

to the vet for his free health exam. Good news, he's healthy. Bad news, he still needs all his shots to the tune of $100. Oh, and on Sunday, I found one of my fabulous new Enzo's under the couch with the heel chewed up. I think it can be fixed, but still. WTH, dog??

I haven't felt much like blogging. I haven't felt like doing much of anything. I think it's because my life feels so out of control right now that I'm not sure what's what. My period was really late this month. Like by about 4 days. I'm usually never late. It started yesterday with a vengeance. But all day Saturday and some of the day yesterday as my husband and I contemplated what a baby would add to our situation it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I'm tired of living with mess. And our whole life feels like a mess right now. My husband is back to work, but we're nowhere near caught up on everything, including the attorney for our bankruptcy. When we moved into our duplex, we knew we'd have to do some downsizing, since this house is much smaller than our former residence. Needless to say, we need to look at either storing or getting rid of more stuff. I've also subscribed to flylady again. I may sign my husband up as well. I feel like we have lots of goals that we're not going to accomplish until we get the mess taken care of. Buying a house, not until the bankruptcy's done and we get our credit reestablished, but we have to clean up the mess first. Vacation next summer? Clean up the mess first. New furniture? Clean up the mess first.

Sorry this is so downbeat. I'm really trying to pull myself out of it, but I just feel so overwhelmed and tired.

In which I declare, UGH, I'm sick.

2005-07-22T06:04:00.000-06:00

I've spent the last 24 hours alternately sleeping and crying in the bathroom. I was running a fever so high that in my house without A/C that was probably 100 degrees yesterday, I turned off all the fans and pulled out the down comforter.

I'm better this morning than I was yesterday. Still not feeling great though. I'll so SPF tonight after work, I promise.

In Which I talk about my trip

2005-07-19T10:37:00.000-06:00

Foster City 7.05 135
Originally uploaded by kelito.

I left Wednesday from the office at lunch time. My flight was scheduled to leave at 3:30. By the time I got to the airport, I was looking at 4:15, but you know - 45 minutes isn't that bad. Eventually I was hit with the news that my flight was being delayed until 6:30. So I called my husband and I called Kristine. I knew that she was going to try and meet me in Foster City that night, but since my plane wasn't leaving until 6:30, I didn't think we'd be able to get together. So you know what she tells me?

"Can you catch a flight to Sacramento and I'll drive you to Foster City?"

I quickly run back to my original gate, they put me on standby for the plane that is currently boarding to Sacramento. I run down the terminal to get to the gate all the while complaining on the phone to Kristine that it's not nice to make fat chicks run in heels. I run up to the gate and the sign says the flight is full. But I see the attendant is still at the turnstile and I ask if there's any way I can get on this flight and he tells me yes - there's one seat left. But my bags will not make it. So I quickly tell Kristine that I'm on the flight and that I'll land in Sacramento at 5:20 and that I'm wearing a pink shirt, black pants and carrying a floral bag.

I call my husband from the plane and it all of the sudden hits me. I've just put myself on a plane to nowhere near where I need to be tomorrow morning at 9:00 for work. I've talked to Kristine a few times, but I don't *know* her. I have no money to rent a car...basically, if Kristine doesn't show up to get me - I'm screwed.

Thankfully, as I'm coming down the escalator at the Sacramento Airport - there she is!

She is just as wonderful and funny and kind as she comes across through Random and Odd. Her friend 'Cita is just as wonderful and funny and kind as Kristine. We had a fabulous trip from Sacramento to Foster City and I saw areas of California that I otherwise would not have seen. It was great! I rode in Van Morrison! I took pictures with the BAMF! Since I was having problems getting someone to tell me where my checked bag had gone, she and 'Cita made sure to run me up to the airport to pick it up. Yes, Kristine has parking garage anxiety. But I didn't think it was all that bad. I mean, no one likes to drive in a crazy parking garage.

I was very sad when she had to leave - but as it was, it was late and she needed to get home. Maybe Kristine, we can meet up at Mt. Rushmore sometime?

Training was fabulous, and I mean that. I learned SO much and everyone at our corporate office is fantastically nice. I met another manager from Hell-A and she and I had dinner together Thursday night.

My room was great - a big bed all to myself that didn't have cat hair or cookie crumbs all over it. But you know what, come Friday morning, I missed all the cat hair and cookie crumbs and other occupants of my bed.

Check out my flickr slide show.

I've been busy this weekend

2005-07-18T05:57:00.000-06:00

So I haven't had a chance to write a great post about my trip. And I promise, as soon as I'm done with this:

and this:

I'll be writing more.

In which I declare...I'm outta here!

2005-07-13T06:12:00.000-06:00

In about eight hours I'm hopping on a plane to the Bay Area. I SO wish I was going for fun and relaxation, but that's not the case. I'm going for work. More specifically, training. Feh.

So, I will not be here Friday to play SPF, but I promise to play very first thing when I get home Saturday. Well, maybe late Friday night. But, I'm thinking about trying to talk my husband into going out for a bit after he picks me up from the airport Friday night.

I'd love to sit and really write a long interesting post this morning, but I have to get off my ass and finish packing and getting ready.

Ugh - I really hate leaving my son. Even for a few days. Even though I know that he's not going to miss me even in the slightest. He's going to have fun with his Dad and Aunt. He's going to have fun with his Moomoo. He won't want to come home with me when I pick him up from Moomoo's on Saturday morning. But I'm going to miss him. Even though I plan on taking full advantage of two nights without household responsibility...I'm going to miss tucking him in, getting my morning kiss. I'm going to miss him.

And oh yes - countdown to Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.....3 DAYS!!!!!

In which I solicit the advice from the dog people in the blogosphere

2005-07-12T06:12:00.000-06:00

We want to get a dog.

Right now, we have this big yard, but after our bankruptcy is over, we'll be looking to buy something and I'm sure it will be a condo or townhome. So in about a year, we'll have a small yard.

We have two cats who are my babies. Any animal that joins our family must be OK with the cats and not terrorize them.

Same goes for the kid. Only I think it's more that the dog must be OK with the possibility of the kid terrorizing it. He means well, but, you know, he's three and all.

I want a lap dog. No bigger than 20 pounds. When my car is eventually paid off, I want to trade it in for a smaller sized car. Like a Jetta. Or a Saab. So, the dog must not be so big as to not fit on the front seat next to me.

I don't want a super high energy dog. My husband is adamant that we not get a dog that "shakes". I definitely do not want a dog that requires a lot of grooming.

I've been doing some research and it looks like a pug might be a good fit for our family.

So, now I'm soliciting advice. Does anyone have experience with pugs? Or another breed that would work for us? Horror stories of a breed that we don't want?

Costumes

2005-07-11T19:10:00.000-06:00

It's mrtl motif Monday and today's word is costumes.

I have to admit, I was never good at Halloween costumes. I'm always really creative, like the day or week after Halloween. So I'm going to take the word and stick it into another context.

Many of you don't know that I went to college to major in music. With an emphasis in Opera Theatre.

Yes, you heard it here first. I was/am an opera geek. I still love to sing. I get quite depressed nowadays since I'm not singing all of the time and my range has all but decreased by two octaves.

So, yes, back to the costumes. I have been "doing" theatre, musical theatre and choral works since I was teeny tiny. In the first play that I remember being in my costume was a big box wrapped up like a present. I was "Big Me". It was at our church, a Unitarian Church, and the play was all about ego and id and really deep stuff that a 5 year old just doesn't "get". All I "got" was that my lines were funny and people laughed and thought I was great. "Big Me" was the egotistical, attention hungry, selfish friend of "Little Me". (BTW - NOT a stretch for me to play at 5)

My favorite play I've ever done is when the theatre group I was working with at the time (I was just shy of 19) did an update of Jesus Christ Superstar. We had so much fun on this show. To this day, it's my favorite thing that I've ever done. We had a massively talented cast, for community theatre, and everyone got along really well. Which hardly ever happens in a cast. We updated it by setting it in present times. Jesus was a street preacher, Judas had a smack habit (and killed himself with an overdose at the end). Annas and Caiphas were televangelists who worked at a show called "Pray for Heaven" which, when the door slammed, the sign would lose its "R" and become "Pay for Heaven". Fitting, no? So anyway, I played Annas and I totally got madeover to look like Tammy Faye Baker - big spidery eyes and all.

As many of you have guessed, I grew up in Colorado Springs, which is where (and I'm seriously NOT making this up) God himself has called his "special" followers to gather to avoid the Armageddon (and not the movie with my future husband Ben Affleck). Needless to say, once word got out that we were first, performing the "blasphemous" Rock Opera and second that we were updating it to take potshots at evangelicals....well, lets just say we got protested. Every night. Every night, I'd walk into the theatre and get screamed at by a family of four, a fifty year old man, two really homely women (who I suspected were closet lesbians) and a myriad of other people carrying BIG Bibles. One of them actually came in to our dress rehearsal in order to "report back what filth we were portraying". The next day, opening night, our director pulled us together backstage to read the letter from this same lady. She basically said that she had come to be able to report the filth, what she found was that if Jesus were alive today, she thought the scenario would play out exactly as we had shown. She mentioned that she found herself closer to Christ after leaving our play, since she realized that Christ was about love - not money and not exclusion. It was a huge moment to realize that even community theatre had the ability to impact someone's life in a very profound way.

I haven't done any theatre in over 8 years. Obviously, with work and family obligations, I won't be doing any time soon. But I hope that someday I will. I miss the smell of a theatre, the way the lights blind you as you look toward the audience, the way that eighteen tons of makeup are required to be seen from the 25th row and beyond. And I do miss the costumes. Whether it's the wedding dress I wore as Maria in The Sound of Music or the bra and panties I wore as the girl who tries to turn Jeffrey back on to women or the school girl uniform I wore as Mary in The Children's Hour. I even miss the scratchy long wig I wore for Laura in The Glass Menagerie. Someday, my child will be gone and my house will be quiet and my husband will be golfing and you'll know where you can find me.

SPF - July 8, 2005

2005-07-07T20:37:00.000-06:00

MY FAVORITE FRAMED PICTURE

This was taken when my son was 3 months old. Look at how chubby he was! Do you see the rolls of fat? Do you? Do you? I mean, shit - he had man boobs. He needed a mansierre! And now look at him - he's so freaking skinny.
I swear to God I feed him.

MY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

I don't even have the excuse of buying them off my son for fundraisers. We just like to read magazines. It used to be worse. Somehow, my Better Homes and Gardens and Ladies Home Journal didn't make the mail forwarding (I really need to call and update the address) and I let Jane expire. I'm probably going to add In Style and Lucky this fall.

MY HOUSEHOLD PET PEEVE

Do I need to explain? The bad thing - I don't even do this chore. Somehow, I've managed to let my husband handle this one. THANK YOU HONEY! Oh yeah, and get it? PET peeve? My PET peeve is where my PET PEE'S! God, I am so fucking hilarious!

Back to Work Today

2005-07-06T18:37:00.000-06:00

So, today was my first day back this week and it....

was just what I expected it to be. Busy, Busy, Busy. As no one did anything of mine while I was gone.

Eh, whatever. Tomorrow's THURSDAY already.

This is All I've Managed To Do Today

2005-07-05T19:01:00.000-06:00

DSCF0309
Originally uploaded by kelito.

This is it. At the end of my long, long weekend, this is all I have to show for it. And I've realized, I'm probably going to scar some of you for life with my ugly assed feet. Imagine if I had taken a picture before the pedicure???

PS - I've also made my Adsense ads my D70 fund. PLEASE click. I've had them on there for months and all I have is $2.79 to show for it. That's a LONG way off from the dineros needed for a D70.

Happy Independence Day

2005-07-04T19:41:00.000-06:00

I'm doing my part to celebrate our independence by sitting around our extremely hot house. My husband had to work today, so I'm waiting for him to get home to see if we're up for doing anything. To be perfectly honest, I think that I'm satisfied with sitting here on the couch and watching fireworks on TV. Really, I do. It's hot. I'm tired. I'm now down to only one day before I have to return to work.

I hope that this week goes really quickly. A good friend of mine from Minnesota is going to be in town this weekend coming up. And to add the cherry on top, Mi Mami ran into another high school friend of mine this weekend and we're going to try to put together a small reunion of sorts. All of us freaks from high school. And really, we were. The punk/goth/new wave kids. HA! I'd bet no one from high school would recognize us now. We all grew into such nice presentable professional soccer mom types. But with an edge, you know the hip soccer moms. The one's who show up to pick the kids up from school blasting The Killers. So anyway, I'm really looking forward to next weekend.

So, on this Independence Day I really want to focus my "Thanks" on the men and women who had the foresight over 200 years ago to put it all on the line so that people like me could live freely. If you really think about it, it's amazing. These were lawyers and farmers and successful business men who literally sacrificed everything so that I could hate the President. I read somewhere (I can't remember now, where I did) that a good majority of the Signers of the Declaration of Independence ended up penniless and destitute, they lost their families, homes, etc. And they did this so that I could sit on my ample ass all weekend bemoaning that Tom Cruise is an idiot.

I personally think that a lot of people incorrectly thank our military on Independence Day. And please, don't tell me that I'm anti-military for what I'm thinking. I grew up in a military family in a military town and I married into the military. I'm very PRO-Military. But what I'm saying, is that I thank our military every Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. I thank our men and women in the Armed Services every time I see our flag. Everytime I see camo. I'm thankful that there are people in our country that are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice so that I can drive a gas guzzler to the Super Wal-Mart and flip through the tabloids for the latest picture of Demi's maybe baby bump.

So what I'm saying, I guess, is that while I'm immensely thankful for the sacrifices made by today's military, I'm even more thankful that people like Alexander Hamilton and John Hancock were willing to use what, in today's world, would be considered terrorist tactics to ensure that we would have a nation full of choices. A nation where the daughter of a poor sharecropper in the South can grow up to be a mega-millionaire talk show host. Where people can share ideas and express their opinions without fear of governmental reprisal. Where my father can sit around in his underwear and call Hillary Clinton a lesbian femi-nazi and where I can roll my eyes at him and wonder if all that pot he smoked, no WHEN all that pot he smoked permanently damaged his mind and made him FUCKING crazy. It was a huge sacrifice that the Benjamin Franklins and John Adamses made. Would any of us be willing to lose our livelihoods, possibly watch our children and other loved ones be tortured and killed, die too young and without a home all so that our grandchildren could have a better life? It's amazing. And I'm thankful.

The weekend is over.....already.....wahhhh

2005-07-03T20:57:00.000-06:00

It went so fast. What the hell? Thank God I still have tomorrow and I've taken Tuesday off too. I didn't realize that I needed the time off so much until just now. I'm exhausted.

But, we had a great time Friday night. We went to see Mi Mami and we went downtown for SpeedWeek Friday night. My son was in heaven.

I mean, how often do you get to do this?

Mi Mami and I fell in love with him: (the actual driver of this car)

until we figured out that he was born in 1987!!! I was his age in 1987, for fuck's sake.

What do you think? Over-stimulated?

We had a great time and it was good to spend time with Mi Mami.

So today, what did I do? I sat around and watched the marathon of Beauty and the Geek. All fucking day long, I watched this show. Then the hubs and I decided to argue over whether or not Richard was simply psychotic (what I think) or just trying to get attention (the hubs) and whether or not Chuck was a prick (what the hubs thinks) or is a really, really nice guy with no patience for psycho's (I think).

I have two more days before I have to go back to the evil "work" place. It's supposed to be hotter than hell and we don't have A/C. I think we'll spend the day tomorrow at the Children's Museum (with A/C) and maybe the zoo (no A/C...so maybe not).

SPF - Something I've Kept From A Past Relationship

2005-06-30T18:34:00.000-06:00

This is an ID bracelet that my boyfriend from high school gave me. I don't know why I keep it. I never, ever wear it. But I won't throw it out either....Huh, go figure.

SPF - My keys

2005-06-30T18:30:00.000-06:00

I know it's ridiculous. See that smaller set attached to the access card? Hopefully, I'll be giving those up in about two weeks!

SPF - The view from my front door

2005-06-30T18:27:00.000-06:00

HA! Like I'm going to take a picture of the inside of my messy assed house.

My favorite wedding picture

2005-06-30T18:23:00.000-06:00

This is my favorite wedding picture. It was taken during the best man's toast. My husband's Dad (yes, my favorite father in law) was the best man. He raised his glass and asked everyone in the reception if they knew that we were expecting. (We weren't) After letting an incredibly long pause go by, he says "Yes, expecting to have a great life". Anyhoo, I was so shocked by it that all I could do was laugh and bury my head. Obviously my husband didn't see it coming either...

When Do You Throw In The Towel?

2005-06-29T18:40:00.000-06:00

When do you give up? Admit defeat? Call it Quits? Say adios?

Do you continually beat the proverbial dead horse? Or do you admit to yourself that it's time to give up?

I have reverse anorexia. You know how anorexic's look in the mirror at 5 foot 9 weighing 90 pounds and say "I'm so fat". Well, I look in the mirror at 5 foot 6 weighing 190 pounds and think - "Hey, a little gut, but not so bad"

Then I catch a glimpse in a window. Or I see a picture taken at an unflattering angle. And it hits me.

I am fat.

I am not just a little overweight. This is not just an extra five pounds. I'm not a skinny-minnie who freaks out about gaining an ounce.

Nope - I'm fat.

So the thing is this. I really know in my head that I should lose weight. But the truth is that I have no staying power. I get myself all motivated and I get up early and exercise. I take a walk/run after I get my son to bed. I deprive myself of all yummy food and I eat lots and lots of salads. And for a week or a month everything is good. Until I just stop. And the chocolate becomes too tempting. And I'm too tired to do anything but sit on my ample ass after putting my son to bed. And I hit snooze an extra ten times in the morning.

It's like I've resigned myself to be fat. But remember, in my head, there's the reverse anorexia. So I'm still buying clothes for the skinny me.

So, do I give up now and say - Hey, you know what - it's genetic? I'm never going to be a super skinny chick. It's NEVER going to happen. And that's OK. So I should just get used to seeing a big me in pictures or in the window of the office building next to mine. I should start dressing in the clothes that hide the fat. At least flatter the fat.

Or do I continue to beat myself up over the battle of the bulge? I mean, it took me 7 or 8 times of quitting smoking before I finally feel like I have it beat. I have NO desire to start smoking again. In fact, I don't even get that longing for a cigarette when I see someone else smoking now. So, how many attempts at dieting/exercising/lifestyle changing do I have to make before it clicks? Do I keep trying different programs until it clicks?

Here's the thing. I'm healthy. My cholesterol is low. My heart is strong. Medically there's no reason to lose the weight.

But I hate the way I look in pictures. I hate that in my head, I know that 5 foot 6 and 190 pounds = FAT. I know the labels on my clothes aren't lying when they say Extra Large. Obviously when people look at me the first adjective to describe me that pops into their head is fat.

Do I embrace this like Camryn Manheim or Kathy Najimy or Roseanne Barr and say "Yup. I'm fat. But I'm a good person. I'm smart and successful. I'm a great mother. And so what if I can't wear a size 6? Or 8? Or 12?" and just live peacefully with the fact that I'm a little bigger than other people. Or do I continue on the week/month at a time attempts at getting smaller until something clicks for me?

Why do we tie so much significance on weight anyway?

Soooo, here we are

2005-06-28T18:41:00.000-06:00

And I haven't posted in almost a week.

I'd love to say that I've been out gallivanting around the globe with J-Lo and Paris Hilton. But I haven't been.

I'd love to say that I was part of a secret plot designed to erase Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes from recent memory. But I was not.

I'd even love to say that I was deep undercover with Sydney Bristow trying desperately to discover who Vaughn really is. But, again, I was not.

Instead I've been BURIED at work. I've been terrified to use the work computer for anything personal since "the talk", so I've been meaning to post at home.

Home. Hmmm. Yeah. Home. Not so good at home. Not to go into details, but holy hell...will someone please make it stop?? I am only human and I can only take so much before I'm pushed over the edge. Seriously. I can't even come up with a smart-assy comment to make a big joke about the whole thing.

Oh yeah, and to top it all of, I've got the Mother of all Head Colds. I take the medicine so that I can "smell" (to quote a small person with whom I live) and then I get that "medicine head" feeling and all is waaaaaaaayy out there. I don't take the medicine and have a clear head - but I can't fucking breathe. For all that's sacred and holy - can't I have both? A clear head and nose? I really don't think that I'm asking all that much.

seriously, drop it

2005-06-22T06:13:00.000-06:00

OK, I have to preface this post by saying that I am not always "in the know", but I do think that I'm a little hipper than most people my age. That said, even I know a trend has played itself out when you see a man in his early 60's wearing shorts that really were too tight and too short, knee socks, SANDALS and his t-shirt which had shooting stars and something else cutesy on it that said "DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT". WTF??? Snoop must be so proud. Of all the days to be at Wal-Mart without my camera.

Nooooo - it cant' be almost Monday already.....

2005-06-19T21:40:00.000-06:00

My Saturday went way too fast. We spent the morning setting up the pool.

Then Mi Mami and sister suprised us by coming up with his new Turtle Sandbox and a Little Tykes car. Mi Mami decided that we needed to go to Casa Bonita to eat and my son spent a lot of time winning at the arcade games. (Look closely and you'll notice that he's only winning one ticket at a time)

Mi Mami had to bail my sister out of the pokey while we were there. (She was arrested for wearing another LONG SLEEVED sweatshirt on a hot summer day)

After we got home from spending time with Mami and sister, we took a quick nap and then headed up to the Western Complex to see my nieces and my FAVORITE (ex) member of my husband's family. He and his new wife had the girls and were down in Denver for a Father's Day roping. My nieces are getting so big and beautiful...They're almost grown...Where does the time go?

We spent all day today finishing up our bedroom...my poor husband didn't get much of a Father's Day. But we're almost finished. I think we need one more coat of paint on the furniture and there are some areas on the wall that need touched up. I hope to have some pictures up in the next day or so.

Happy Fathers Day to all of the Dads!

It's Saturday!

2005-06-18T10:23:00.000-06:00

DSCF0186
Originally uploaded by kelito.

And I am so relieved to see the weekend.

My nieces are in town with their Dad and his new wife and we will probably meet up with them at the zoo leter in the day.

I've still got to finish painting the bedroom (I'm trying to shoot for this weekend) and we need to fix the dryer. But other than that - I am going to RELAX!

Something That No One Else Has

2005-06-16T21:25:00.000-06:00

DSCF0182
Originally uploaded by kelito.

This is my pig. I saw it at a furniture store in Gillette, WY and for some reason I *had* to have it. It was actually somewhat expensive and I didn't think that I could spend that kind of money on something so frivolous.

My husband got it for me for our anniversary that year. I know that there were a lot of people scratching their heads over why I was so excited over a wooden pig with beans for eyes, but it's really one of my favorite presents ever.

I mean, look at it. It's just happy :)

Something I'm Obligated To Keep

2005-06-16T21:20:00.000-06:00

DSCF0179
Originally uploaded by kelito.

This is our cat Winnie. Winnie is really annoying. She likes to try and sleep "on" you and will knead you with her claws for hours if you let her. She jumps up on counters and dressers and bookshelves and knocks everything over with either her tail or her girth. She whines incessantly when she's hungry and she will scratch in the litter box for several minutes after using it - but never covers anything up.

But we love her and we'll keep her.

What Was I Thinking?

2005-06-16T21:00:00.000-06:00

DSCF0165
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Yes, I know I'm a day early.

But you see, I was checking blogs at work today and my boss pulled me into a meeting and wanted to know if I was using the company computer for personal use. Well shit, I'm a bad liar so I couldn't act idignant and shocked and say "How could you accuse me of such a thing? I would NEVER misuse company equipment in that way!"

So instead I made up some story of how I was looking up something to help my grandma and needed to email my sister about it.

Now I'm afraid that he *knows* about the blog....not that I've ever said anything bad about him or work or anyone I work with on here - but still. Someday I might want to, so I'd just rather they not know about it. And it's really my own damn fault, I kept closing down windows when he'd walk by. Nothing like screaming "OBVIOUS!", is there?

So, um, I hope that he really doesn't check out the old blog. And just to be safe, I've added ANOTHER stat counter. In the meantime, I'm going to not be able to check blogs from work. I mean, I love you all - but I love to pay my bills more.

Which is why I'm a day early for Stuff Portrait Friday. Y'all will just have to deal with it.

My What Was I Thinking? is my Bally's membership. I got it in January, went 5 or 6 times, have since moved to where it's VERY inconvenient for me to get there and I'm still paying $40 a month for it. I think I'll be "moving" to Wyoming soon.

Boo!

2005-06-15T21:19:00.000-06:00

DSCF0145
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Am I overreacting?

2005-06-15T15:20:00.000-06:00

I just got this email:

Hi There!

We got Bubba a T-Shirt in Mexico. But, by the time we see him he'll out grow it... :-D .LOL! So I will pop it into the mail this week or next, okay?! We are busy at the place I work to the point of purchasing 2 new trucks. I go full time on July 1.....there goes the leisure afternoons...Hahahaha!

Dad is doing okay, he works out at the little airport on Saturdays, to make extra $$$...and so I can clean house, which lasts till they get home ! We are watching your brother's dogs this week and they have already eaten a new $30.00 tree...so much for landscaping........LOL. They are in Florida and will get back Saturday afternoon.

Father's Day we are going 4-wheeling with the dads. Hope it is a good sunny day, I want to keep my top down for the day! Your sister-in-law got a new jeep a Wrangler, it's copper , but we tease her and call it pumpkin. Your sister and BIL will be going too , I think......and my son and his fiancee. So it will be fun. The 4th of July weekend we are taking the motor home up to the Lost Burro, just outside Cripple Creek for the weekend.Other than that all is well and we are doing okay...How about you guys?

Love,
Step-Mom and Dad
This email is in it's entirety - I only took names out

OK - here's the part where I get all senstive like and start to lose it, just a little bit. Umm, my husband and I were never invited. (To the 4-wheeling) My whole freaking family is going (I'm pretty sure that my mom told me that she was invited...) and not one person has bothered to ask if my family would like to go. And don't get me started on the "with the Dads" my stepbrother does not have kids (therefore - not a Dad) and neither does my BIL (again - not a Dad) but umm, my husband has a kid (therefore - is a Dad, just by simple definition of the word Dad).

So - to my family who reads my blog regularly (and I know you do). You suck. Fuck you. And um, if you're going to do something without inviting us - do you think you could maybe try to keep it secret and not rub it in my face??? You know, I know that sometimes I'll do something with my sister without my brother, I know that my sister and brother do stuff without me invited. You know - it's no big deal. But to plan a big assed family event (even going so far as inviting my mom and her boyfriend) and PURPOSEFULLY not invite us. I'm sorry, but in my head - that crosses a line.

I have this sneaking suspicion that this has something to do with certain personal problems that I've been having lately. And I'll tell you all what...he's still my husband and none of you are perfect. Even if he and I weren't getting along so well, he's still my son's father and he DESERVES your respect as such. Just remember, as you sit there and judge us, none of you are perfect. Remember what they say about glass houses and remember your karma people.

So, I'm sitting here at work crying. I've had such a lousy fucking day. Thank's family for the cherry on top.

************************UPDATE**************************

See how passive-agressive I am? Rather than pick up the phone and talk to someone about this - I blog it. Because I know they will see it. My therapist would be very disappointed in my behavior today. Doesn't mean I'm erasing the post though. Good God - I'm immature. I should really hit delete this post, because I know it's going to stir up trouble. But I don't.

Yep.

Still sitting here thinking about how much I disappoint my therapist.

Contemplating creating a post for each family member where I point out each of their every flaws.

I don't start that post, because if they started in on my flaws - I'd be reading it for three weeks.

Oh yeah - and these too

2005-06-15T11:32:00.000-06:00

The new Nine West's
Originally uploaded by kelito.

Doesn't everyone enjoy my pointy toed shoes? The first pair is the one Mi Mami bought for me :) This pair is the one I picked up this past weekend.

I don't know if any of you believe in love at first sight - but let me tell you. This shoe had me at hello. The way the striped canvas gives it a casual look, yet it's a three inch heel - so not slouchy.

Want to know my problem? I don't know what to wear them with? I know I can wear them with jeans and khaki's - but do you think I could wear them with a suit? Because I think Casual Corner and Ann Taylor are having sales this weekend. What color suit/shirt would be OK?

How a new shoe makes for one happy lady

2005-06-15T11:25:00.000-06:00

The New Enzo Heel's
Originally uploaded by kelito.

In which I declare what a bad blogger I am....but how I finally bought a new camera

2005-06-14T08:39:00.001-06:00

Monkey at the Park
Originally uploaded by kelito.

I have nothing to say. Seriously. I could bore the world with the minutiae of my daily grind - but really, who wants to hear about my laundry (my dryer broke and I have my whites mildewing away as we speak) or that I bought new shoes (pictures to follow - I meant to do mrtl Monday this week - it's about feet. Feet = shoes = new shoes = happy KC) or that we're in the process of tearing apart our bedroom and painting (I'll post pictures as soon as we're done). I also won't tell you about how I heart Kristine's new spa bathroom so much that we're thinking about doing ours up the same way.

I should really post some "before" pictures of our little house. We totally rented our duplex because it's kind of a dive. We love the neighborhood it's in, but couldn't afford to rent anywhere 'nicer', so we found a place with potential and a landlord who is fine with us making some changes. We need to paint the whole place, especially the ceilings. We're taking it one room at a time and since the master bedroom is usually the last place decorated in most people's houses, I decided to make it the first room done in ours. We have a long, tiring summer of work ahead of us on this particular project. When we're finished, I hope that it's fantastique!

So, I'll leave you today with a picture of my son at the park which is right up the street from us. In our charming neighborhood that I love.

Thanks Blogosphere

2005-06-09T15:31:00.000-06:00

I can't thank some of you enough lately. As some of you know, I'm going through some MASSIVE inner turmoil right now and I'm not sure I'd be making it through without all of you.

I need to especially thank Kristine for the phone call at lunch and making me realize that it's not the end of the world.

I don't know if I can express my gratitude properly for all of the support I receive here. Maybe because I'm not "controversial", but I've never had a bad experience while keeping my blog. I have learned that I'm not the only one who immediately thinks of Jessie Spano when I hear the words "I'm so excited". (Actually, I think of Zack, because I was always a Zack girl).

When I'm ready, I'll be able to share more details of my private turmoil, but for now it's good to know that I have a built-in support system for when that time comes.

Advice Wanted

2005-06-08T15:05:00.000-06:00

Allrighty - I ordered my new shirts, but I had to order down a size of what I'm wearing now to get the t-shirt.

I really want to wear it to SpeedWeek on the big Friday night event.

I've already started the South Beach diet again. How in the hell can I lose 40 pounds or so in 22 days?

Also, how can I tone up my arms in 22 days?

Seriously - I need a miracle. I want to wear this shirt for the hot race car drivers. I need to not look like a fat ass in it. HELP!!!

PS - I'm going to start running (OK, walking really fast at first) at night after my son's in bed. I've started doing some light Yoga in the morning. Any other ideas?

I'm so excited

2005-06-08T10:37:00.000-06:00

(Sung in *not* the annoying Jessie Spano way - sorry Cat)

I just ordered myself presents. Look at what I'm getting:

I know, I know that some of you will look at my way cool presents and scratch your head wondering why I'm so excited about them. But they're twofold. First - I haven't bought anything frivolous for myself in a while and Second - they were purchased with my "not going out to lunch" money.

Speed Week is coming up in Colorado Springs and I can't wait. They close off a portion of downtown and bring in drivers and cars and motorcycle stuntpeople. It's sooo much fun. I think my son is finally old enough to go.

Now, I just need to get some cute strappy sandals that will look good with jeans and my new sweatshirt....

In which I delcare...

2005-06-07T12:54:00.000-06:00

....huh. This diet isn't too terrible.

Someone please remind me of this in a week when I really, really want a Krispie Kreme.

In which I declare all that is good about my weekend

2005-06-06T13:10:00.000-06:00

Mi Mami bought me some new shoes. Fabulous new shoes.

That just about sums up my fabulous weekend.

It was so nice to have a break from everything. I was away from work. I was away from my husband. I was (almost) away from my kid.

I went out for drinks with my bestest girlfriend - Laurie. I have been feeling less than fabulous for a while. For a long while. In fact, I can't even look at pictures of myself from back when I "thought" I was fabulous, because I look at them and can't see any fabulousness in them.

I've been considering plastic surgery lately. Seriously. I've been thinking about getting a nose job and a breast lift. That's how far I'm taking the 'I don't feel fabulous' feelings.

This weekend, Laurie made me see that I really was fabulous. That I still am fabulous. Even if I don't necessarily feel that way right now. We were sitting at the bar and someone actually flirted with me (and not just the bartender, who, you know, was working it for tips). Then this sort of odd feeling came over me....this feeling of a weight being lifted. Someone actually saw some worth in me. There was someone who found me attractive, even when I couldn't feel further from that. Not that I am planning on having an affair, because I would never, ever do that. It had just been that long since someone (and that includes my husband) found me worth making a special trip to talk to. (Edited to note: although it made me feel great at the time, I'm crying almost as I edit this - I can't believe I've felt this way for FOUR YEARS!)

So, you know what? I am fabulous. I have been neglecting myself in order to please everyone else and I've lost sight of that. Yes - I am overweight. Big time. But I am going to work on that. AND - I am still witty and smart and can converse about sports (yes, including NASCAR) or politics or literature or classical music or popular music - intelligently. I am caring and loving and I'm a great Mom. I'm a great sister (even though I'm not often welcome with the others). I'm a good daughter and a good granddaughter. I'm a great wife. I am good at my job and I'm eager to learn. I want MORE out of life and I'm going to get it.

So yesterday, I gave myself a manicure and pedicure (husband is still unemployed, so no spa for me, boo-hoo) and put in some highlights in the old hair. I bought some decent hair products (no more Costco shampoo, Kathy ;) and some good makeup. (OK, still broke, so Mi Mami paid for these - because she hearts me uh-lot).

Today - I'm back on the stupid ass South Beach diet. Even though I kind of hate it - it worked for me before and I know it can work again. My weight is a huge part of me not feeling so fabulous and it's time I take ownership of my depression eating. I brought a healthy spinach salad for lunch and contemplated the savings of not eating out at lunch. $5-$10 a day @ 5 days a week = up to $50 a week. That buys a lot of shoes! It's great! I'm getting healthy and new shoes. (There was a pair of BCBGirls pumps that were so super-cute, but I couldn't justify spending the $50 since they'd only 'go' with jeans. In one week, I can buy them! If I bring my salad from home)

Today - I feel confident for the first time in a REALLY long time. I put on my new strappy shoes this morning and there was a spring in my step. I sashayed down the street and knew, just knew that I am a good person. Again, this is not something special to most people - but for me it was a huge step.

Somehow or another, I'm going to have to find a way to keep motivated and keep remembering that I am a good person. I deserve to have some nice things (I tended to deprive myself and give all to my husband and son). I deserve to be happy. I deserve to take some classes that will better my life at work. I deserve to diet and lose weight.

I'm excited about my life for the first time in a very long time.

yea. it's friday.

2005-06-03T10:06:00.000-06:00

I just wrote this really long, long post and realized that I couldn't post it. NO, blogger is working OK, I just couldn't post it yet. I couldn't even reference myself in the first person in the post.

So instead, I'm just going to wish everyone a happy weekend. Everyone sit back and relax. Go catch the NASCAR race on Sunday - it's at Dover. And my nephew's in luck. I forgot to change my drivers in time for Fantasy NASCAR - so I have Charlotte winners in - not Dover winners. But regardless, everyone root for my driver - The Alltel #12 driver - RYAN NEWMAN. Yes, he has a gigantic cranium (even so much that he kind of resembles an orange on a toothpick) but he's smart and he's fast. And he's never placed below the top 5 at Dover (at least not that I recall) so it should be a good weekend for us.

I'm going to spend the evening tonight with my Mom's cousin (which makes her my second cousin - I think...) and we're going on the First Friday Art Walk, which should be a lot of fun.

Since I've had such a shitty week, I'm thinking about letting my son spend the night with Moomoo on Saturday and going out with my best girlfriend. I think it's going to have to happen, I REALLY need the break!

So everyone - have a great weekend. I'll see you on Monday!

In which I give equal time to MooMoo

2005-06-02T07:59:00.000-06:00

************UPDATED************ I realized that these are really small pictures, so click on them to go to a larger pic - if ya' wanna :)

Saturday we went to the zoo with my mom and my sister. I'm just now posting pictures, because I know have to "borrow" someone else's camera since mine is kaput.

Since we bought the membership to the zoo, my son and I have gone almost every weekend. This has led to a little bit of this on his part:

Until we decided that we were tired of pulling him and it was his turn to pull us:

And this is what I'm talking about regarding The Boobs:

Look at that baggy assed sweatshirt - and it was HOT out!!!

And here's the equal time for Mi Mami....she's cute too - even when she does her Flamingo impersonation.

And in all fairness, I have to share this EXTREMELY depressing picture as well.

There will be more to come regarding this nasty, gross, obviously faked picture.

Also, for those who are comparing my lovely shots to Kristine's fabulous photos - just remember, us poor folks don't have a BAMF....but we wish we did.

In which KC declares her geekiness

2005-06-01T08:04:00.000-06:00

and a love for auto racing. I know that a lot of people don't "get" auto racing. I mean, what's exciting about watching a bunch of people drive around in a circle for three hours? But you know, I don't "get" basketball. Or TV golf. Or polo. Or waterpolo. Hell, there's a lot of things that I don't get. Like, why did my sister get all the boobs in the family when she never wants to show the girls off? (Always in the big sweatshirts and sweaters, I don't think she own's a V-neck....) My point is - to each his own. But for us, auto racing is in our blood.

My father(isn't he cute?) used to race cars when he was much younger. After marrying my mom and having two more kids (plus my older brother from his frist marriage) my mom insisted that he stop racing cars. (After an incident involving a night rallye, a truck teetering off a cliff and an almost widow) This doesn't mean that we stopped our involvement with auto racing - non, non mon cheries. I can't even begin to count how many Sunday's were spent with the Pikes Peak Sports Car Club or the Porsche Club or the Sports Car Club of America. It was like our family's version of church. Literally thousands of Saturday nights were spent at Beacon Hill or Pikes Peak Speedway or Colorado Springs Speedway. And just about every year on the 4th of July we had to head up to watch Ralph Bruning and the Unsers and the Vascholtzes race the Pikes Peak Hill Climb. It was such a disease in our home that when my brother and sister-in-law got married on 4th of July 1991, my father wore his walkman to their ceremony (with the little earbud headphones) and listened to the Hill Climb throughout their ceremony. When I got married on August 26th - I made sure to pick a Saturday night that didn't have a NASCAR night race. My sister managed to get married in December, during the break in racing. Don't tell me that I don't catch on quick.

Anyway, The Girl From Ipanema reminded me with her post yesterday about how much auto racing is ingrained into my psyche. I watched the Indy 500 on Sunday, as I always do, and waited secretly hoping that Danica Patrick would *not* be the first woman to win Indy. Because, you see, if she did - that would ruin the dream for me that *I* would be the first woman to win Indy.

When I was 7 or 8, my Dad was building a Hill Climb car for his friend - David Kois. David's son, Davey was my age; their daughter was my sister's age and we were ALWAYS together during the car building season. Anyhoo - Davey thought he was King Shit and that he was going to be the best race car driver ever (because his Dad was a better racer than my Dad, according to him. Ohhh Davey, so wrong, so wrong.) And I KNEW that I was going to be the best race car driver ever, because, you know - I just was better than him at everything else. (Except apparently, Parking. Little did we know I would turn out to be the World's Worst Parker) We would spend HOURS arguing about it. Literally hours.

Now, I know what everyone is thinking. "KC, you're 32 years old. Like you're ever going to be a race car driver. Shit - you can't park without breaking something on either your car or the area you're parking in" But guys, listen, It's my DREAM. My little girl's hearts and butterflies and unicorns DREAM to be the first woman to beat Davey Kois at the Indy 500.

I wonder where the Kois' are now. I think he and my Dad had a falling out over something to do with the Hill Climb car - or they moved away - or alien's took them and gave them anal probes. Fuck if I know. But Davey Kois - I challenge you to a race any day. 'Cause I can still beat you. Just not at parking.

Oh Crap

2005-05-31T11:06:00.000-06:00

I hurt someone yesterday. Someone that I really love.

It was inevitable that I hurt them, I just really didn't want it to happen the way it did.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you found out that way. I'm sorry that I didn't feel like I could talk to you about it. I just wasn't 'there' yet. I'm sorry that things may not work out the way we would have liked them to. I'm sorry for it all, but I'm not sorry for how I feel and I can't change the way I feel.

In other words, KC's already bad week has become KC's even worse week.

It's Friday and I'm going to have a 3 day weekend!

2005-05-27T09:47:00.000-06:00

During which I am not going to think about work. Not even for a minute. The past two weeks have been so busy and crazy that I am going home completely exhausted. You know the kind of exhausted that precludes you from being able to fall asleep? Yeah, it's that kind. I lie down in bed so utterly tired that I could probably go comatose....and then....nothing. I stare at the ceiling for a few minutes and then...BOOOM! I'm wide awake again. Repeat this process about twenty times and eventually I fall asleep.

Tomorrow, my mom and sister are coming up to visit and we're going to the zoo. My son is SO excited and he can't wait to take Moomoo and Aunt Isa to see his favorite animals. I think this week they are the sea lions and the gorillas (there is a baby gorilla at the zoo). I'm looking forward to a nice day with "the girls" and our boy.

I was thinking about trying to get up to the mountains sometime this weekend too, but with husband still unemployed, I'm thinking now that we'd better not. Oh well, we can always go to the park and pretend, right?

A funny from my son on the way to work/daycare this morning:

"Mommy, I can't go to work this morning" (BTW, he is now calling day care 'work', as in, he goes to work during the day too)

"Why can't you go to work this morning?"

"Because Swiper swiped my school"

Am I The Only One?

2005-05-25T15:10:00.000-06:00

Please, tell me I'm not crazy. Am I the only one who, when presented with a large portrait that is "clickable" on the internet, will try and 'pick the nose' of the person in the picture with the little pointy-finger hand icon? Because I will sit and do it all day long, most recently with a picture of Laura Bush.

Blahgging Today

2005-05-25T12:13:00.000-06:00

KC - Still blah.

Husband - Still unemployed.

Son - Not as impressed with new daycare today as he was yesterday.

I think I need to clear up some misinformation about me - the fabulous KC. I am never, ever, ever going to be a Raiders fan. I would rather go on Fear Factor and eat bugs than be a Chiefs fan. Let's just say that I know who God is rooting for - otherwise sunsets wouldn't be ORANGE and BLUE.

Feeling Blah

2005-05-24T10:06:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling really blah. I'm not going to bore people to tears with my sob stories on why my life is so much more stressful than yours, but I have to admit the creative juices - they aren't-a-flowin'.

So today, I will entertain with a story of my son from last week.

9:00 PM - Son enters my bedroom (where I am lying down trying to get rid of a headache) SCREAMING his fucking head off about how Daddy did "something".

9:03 PM - Son finally calms down and shows me Daddy's car keys in his hand.
Son informs me that Daddy won't let him outside. When asked why he wants to go outside, he tells me that he "NEEDS" to drive to see Aunt Lisa.

9:04 PM - A heated discussion ensues about Colorado Motor Vehicle Operation Law and how he is just too darn young to get a drivers license which is a necessary requirement in order to operate a motor vehicle.

9:05 PM - We settle on calling Aunt Lisa. No, wait. Moomoo (what he calls my mom) first.

9:06 PM - We call Moomoo. The settled down tears are coming out again. He bemoans the fact that he's "Too wittle. Tooooo wittle to dwive" "Why Moomoo - why am I too wittle?"

9:08 PM - Between Mommy and Moomoo, we're calm enough to call Aunt Lisa. I hear the muffled sobs coming up again and within 2.5 seconds we are wailing again, "Aunt Issssa. I want my Aunt Issa. Why am I too wittle to dwive Aunt Issa. I love you and I need you Aunt Issa."

9:15 PM - We're going to sleep. Hopefully, the nights events solved and calmed down.

6:45 AM - the following day - I see a flash of white legs run past my bedroom and down the hallway. As I catch up with the white flash I notice Son is hiding something behind his back. I wrestle it out of his hands and he has gone through my purse, to find my wallet, to steal my DRIVERS LICENSE!!

6:50 AM - Son tells me that it's his drivers license and he's going to see Aunt Lisa.

7:00 AM - I leave for work leaving a SCREAMING three year old for Daddy to deal with.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled BLAHing.

Wrestling Cattle and The Family Farm

2005-05-20T08:37:00.000-06:00

My husband can wrestle cattle. His step-sister and her husband are part owners of a cattle ranch about 40 miles outside the little town he lived in during high school. From what he tells me, he used to spend a lot of time out there.

I have to be honest, I don't "get" the appeal of the ranching life. I'll admit that going to the ranch is fun. I love to be out there in the late afternoon, watching the sun set over thousands of acres of ranching land. I love to see my son running around after the cows yelling "Here cow! Here Cow!". I really love watching my niece and nephews ride, rope and other ranch-ly activities. I like to sit down with my step-brother in law and have him explain the business side of ranching to me. Some of the things that he's taught me, I've been able to apply in "real" business. (You know, business in a city. Where things happen. Where a symphony plays at least twice a year. Where there is art and culture and parks and diversity. But I digress).

I watch their family struggle with ranching. Mad cow disease is a terrifying threat to them, while it is a random thought to most of us. There are other diseases that if cattle catch, it could put them out of business. It's a difficult "lifestyle". All of them are awake before the crack of dawn. BIL goes out and starts the ranch chores, while SIL and the kids get ready for their hour + drive into town for school and SIL's job in town. BIL works hard all hours of the day and during calving season well into the night as well. SIL and the kids get home after dark most nights and then try and get homework done, dinner on the table and their ranch chores completed. This is a seven day a week operation. They rarely leave the ranch for more than 10-12 hours at a time. I'm not sure if they've ever been on a real vacation.

They live in a small single wide mobile home in the middle of nowhere. It's HOT in the summertime and COLD in the winter. There isn't enough room for BIL, SIL, a teenage girl and two rowdy boys - but it's what they've got. If their power goes out, it could be days before it would get restored - same with their phone. They heat and cook with propane, so they have to be very careful with what the level is on their propane tank. If there's a blizzard and the propane truck can't get to them to refill, they'll freeze. My SIL has had calves in her HOUSE if there is a particularly cold storm before they're old enough to stand the elements.

The price of beef has been very low for the last several years. Once a year, they take all the cattle but the breeding stock to auction. This is their main paycheck for the YEAR. My SIL's job in town provides just enough for the extras for the kids. I heard from my other SIL that it looks as if they are going to have to sell off ALL the cattle this year, including the breeding stock. It looks like they may lose the ranch this year.

Even with all of the hardships that they endure out there, they're happy. They wouldn't have it any other way. A few years ago a railroad proposed coming through the ranching area where they ranch to deliver coal from the mines just to the west of the ranch to Minneapolis. A lot of the ranchers could have made a lot of money on this deal, they fought it tooth and nail. They didn't want to sell their souls for a few extra bucks. How many of us can say that we have that much integrity? I mean, shit, if someone offered me fifty bucks for my husband - I'd let him go ;)

I watch in amazement as my 10 and 8 year old nephews tell me how they helped Dad deliver a calf. My 14 year old niece DRIVES the family truck around the ranch to help feed or mend fences. They are smart, beautiful children who excel in school but are wise beyond their years in the ways of the world.

Our independent farms and ranches are disappearing, being replaced by huge conglomerates who are pushing the costs down for us, the consumer, but making it impossible for the family farms to compete. It may only be a generation or two down the line where a child is going to ask "Mommy, what was a farm?". While I understand that progress is going to happen and with that progress certain jobs will be eliminated - I just know that it is going to be very sad for my BIL and SIL to have to leave behind the way of life that they choose. I hope for their sake that they can make it through another generation or two before they have to make that decision.

PS - If you click on the link, you may see some people who I know VERY well. Start at the beginning of the article, it's actually very interesting and has a lot of good information about the region that my husband grew up in.

A little prayer

2005-05-17T13:32:00.000-06:00

Oh great and powerful god of the employment

please find a way to ensure that this guy

finds gainful employment in a short amount of time.

Please consider the following: (in bullet points, no less)

He is the best spider killer on the planet. In fact, that's why I married him.
He makes the best beef stew.
He is a really good blackjack player.
He can make a campfire from scratch.
He can program the VCR.
He can get rid of computer viruses....most of the time.
He can hang drywall and paint. In addition to lay carpet, tile and sod. He can unclog as well.
He can put together do-it-yourself furniture with a bare minimum of cursing.
He kisses boo-boos and owies.
He leaves the seat down.
He doesn't hog the covers.
He can do this belly roll thing which is utterly disgusting, yet compelling all at once.
He can wrestle cattle.
He can drive really, really, really big trucks.
He can intelligently argue politics, as he is well read.

I know that there are so many more but I'm sure, god of the employment, that you don't need to hear anything more in order to determine that he should get a great job tomorrow with a company car, expense account, 6 figure salary and a maid. For our house.

Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Guess who had a busy weekend? No, really. Guess.

2005-05-16T14:30:00.000-06:00

I got a pedicure. My son got a pedicure. My husband is now concerned for my son's blossoming (at age 3 - yeah - whatever) sexuality related to said pedicure. I personally don't see the problem in letting a 3 year old get his toes painted green. Really, I don't.

I had a trip to the zoo. My son had a trip to the zoo. We left early in the morning and got there right as they open. It was so nice to not be all hot and sunny. We stopped around 11:00 and had hot dogs by the sea lion exhibit and watched the "Feed the Sea Lions" show. Then I discovered that I can get over my irrational fear of snakes/lizards/green things for my son's sake. Although, that scene from the first Harry Potter book kept running through my head (You know - the one where Harry talks - in Parsletoungue - to the snake and then the glass disappears and the snake starts to attack Dudley) So I had to keep looking behind me for young wizard boys who appeared to be talking to themselves. I discovered that my son is terrified of bats and that he doesn't care much for Mama Goose's either. Especially those Mama Geese that are trying to be all protective of their goslings. My son and I both learned that male peacocks make a mating call that sounds like the mating call of a housecat. I wondered if there have been any "incidents" because of that. You know, a tabby kitten born with a beautiful, feathery tail? A peacock with whiskers and paws?

My husband quit his job. The fat ass loser that he works for and her WASPy "can't stand for anyone to know what they're doing, lest they figure out that I'm a moron" boss finally made me tell him that he needed to just go. I also suggested that he just quit. No notice. I'm telling you all this, because if he hasn't found a job in two weeks I'm going to be bitching about him quitting, and I'll need you all to remind me that it was my idea.

Oh.My.God.

My husband is unemployed. If he doesn't have another job lined up within two weeks - we are fucked. And not nicely. We'll be bending over and taking it. Without lube even.

*praying to the employment gods*

This time, something everyone can be proud of

2005-05-13T12:19:00.000-06:00

We went out to dinner last night and my husbands meal came with corn on the cob.

My son asked "May I have your corn please?" so matter of factually that I almost hadn't realized what he had said until a few seconds later.

I looked incredulously at my husband and asked him "Did he just say what I think he said?" And my husband answered, (very non-chalantly, I might add) "He asked for my corn". I was like "Yeah, I know....but did he say MAY I have your corn please?" My husband again, looked at me like I was freaking out over nothing and said "Yeah, he did"

OH.MY.GOD. My son is going to have manners after all. I have been drilling "may I" into his head for months now, because I was tired of hearing "I need", "I want" and "Gimme" all the freaking time.

"May I have your corn please?" just may be the sweetest sentence anyone has muttered to me in years.

I got tagged too

2005-05-12T15:18:00.000-06:00

I got tagged by Dashababy (Kathy). So here goes.

The rules are simple when you're tagged.
Choose 5 items from the list to write about.
Tag 3 other individuals when you're done.

If I could be a scientist, I would develop a cure for Alzheimers, cancer and AIDS. Then, in my spare time, I would find a way to make vegetables taste like Frozen Custard.

If I could be a farmer, I would grow vegetables that taste like frozen custard.

If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef

If I could be an architect, I would be like Frank Gehry and I would design way cool buildings like the Guggenheim in Bilbao, Spain or the Experience Music Project in Seattle. All my buildings would be eco-friendly, using energy saving materials, solar power where possible, etc. Since I would then be rich and famous from my very cool designs, I would then build low-income housing in areas that need it. NICE low income housing. Like someplace that I (being rich and famous) would love to live. Just because you're poor, doesn't mean you shouldn't have a decently built home.

If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama rider

If I could be a bonnie pirate, I would say "Arrrrrgggh. Ahoy there, me maties" and my son would laugh and laugh and laugh at me. I would not, however, have a pet dog named Wags who was smarter than me.

If I could be an astronaut
If I could be a world famous blogger
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world

If I could be married to any current famous political figure it would be Bill Clinton. I know he's really, really sleazy and all. But let's all be honest. You know he's just got to be damn good in the sack.

OK, now it's my turn to tag Butterstar, Amy (Anybody's Guess) and Phoebe (The Life of Me).

Have fun all!

Does Dr Suess Brainwash?

2005-05-12T12:33:00.000-06:00

Last night, my son and I sat down while I watched "Jersey Girl" (hubba, hubba, Affleck) and he drew on his Magnadoodle.

He tells me that he's going to draw a picture of his friend AJ. So he draws a circle with two dots for eyes, a dot for a nose and a half circle for a smile. He then draws this big sausage like body. So I think to myself - cool, he's never drawn anything more than lines and circles before. This actually resembles something.

So I ask him what's what. He drops the pen and says "That's AJ's eyes, that's AJ's mouth, that's AJ's nose" and then he picks the pen back up and starts drawing little short lines all over the sausage-body. I ask him what that is, fully expecting him to say a sweater or a shirt or something, but instead he tells me "That's AJ's fur"

Not wanting to stifle any creativity, I commend him for the fine job on AJ's fur, silently wondering if when AJ draws my son, if he draws him with fish scales? Then he looks up at me with beautiful brown eyes and says:

"Mommy, that's not AJ anymore. It's like a 'noceros"

I say "Oh, like a rhinoceros?"

And he says "No, Mommy, it's an AJ-noceros"

Watch out Dr Suess, my son's all over your creation of mythical creatures.

My Good Deed

2005-05-11T13:26:00.000-06:00

While not as grandiose as Kristine volunteering at the senior center or Amy driving Sadie to school, I have found a good deed.

I was checking craigslist kids section the other day, because I'm looking for a sandbox for our new yard. There was a post from a family who needed a car seat and clothing for an eight month old boy. Seeing as how my son just graduated to a booster this past week, I was able to offer this lady his old, dirty (but cleanable and not stained) Alpha-Omega with the 5 point harness. I think I have several boxes of clothes that I can give her too. She'll be coming by my husband's work on Saturday to pick it up, hopefully I'll be able to go through some of the toys that my son has outgrown and pass those on as well.

I guess, it's really not that much of a big deal to pass on some clothing, a car seat and maybe some toys to someone. It's just that usually, I take them to the Goodwill and I don't know what happens to them after that.

After talking to this woman on the phone and hearing how grateful she sounded for these really small items that I take for granted I realized something. It doesn't matter how big your help is. It just matters that if you can help someone, that you do.

It's a good feeling.

I need a vacation UPDATED*

2005-05-10T10:17:00.000-06:00

So, moving sucked. I could go into particulars about it - but why bore you all with that?

Instead, I'm going to solicit advice. Our family needs a vacation. We've been through the shitter this last year and it's time for us to have some time, just the three of us, to relaz and regroup. This means that I want to go somewhere besides Colorado, Wyoming or South Dakota for vacation. Not that there's anything wrong with Colorado, Wyoming and South Dakota. They're beautiful places, full of fun and excitement...but I want a beach.

A real beach. With ocean that stinks like seaweed and saltwater. A warm beach with water that can be frolicked in without freezing a dangling body part off. A beach where it's possible to rent jet-ski's and body boards. A beach where my three year old is going to be able to build sand castles and collect sea shells.

But here's the catch. We're Po'. With a capital P - Po'. So this beach must either be in California or Texas (or anywhere else that's a two day driving distance from Denver). This beach must also have or be near (within 10 miles) a campground with showers. We like to tent camp. It seriously doesn't bother us to sleep in our tent, on the ground and stuff. We'll cook on our camp stove, so we don't necessarily need access to restuarants. The shower thing is the only non-negotiable I have. I must stay at a campground that has showers. Even if I have to wear flip-flops into the shower - it must have a shower. I will not go a week without one. A couple of days, maybe. A week - hell no.

I would like to go the last week in August (for our wedding anniversary) but we could carry over into September if need be.

I would also like an ocean that is shark and jellyfish free please. I'm terrified of jellyfish to the point of ridiculousness.

I just need to feel the sun on my face, the sand between my toes and hear the roar of the ocean as I frantically try to keep my son from running off too far. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Any suggestions?

UPDATE to show me on the beach, looking all relaxed and shit.

Thanks to Bucky who I found through Kristine, get yer own here

BLASTOFF

2005-05-06T09:16:00.000-06:00

Today is moving day. I'm at work until noon, whereupon I'll meet my husband at the storage unit to help unload the rest of the "storage" stuff.

Then, we'll drop off the UHaul and go back to the old apartment to begin the process of packing the rest of the little stuff that didn't make it on the UHaul in the first place and cleaning.

I was up until almost 1:00 AM last night and I feel like I could keel over from lack of sleep at any moment.

I also had to give our two weeks notice at his current daycare. Right after the Director/Owner complimented me on my fashion savvy. That sucked. I feel really bad, because I've been very happy with his current situation - it's just now that we're moving, the location doesn't work anymore.

Wish us luck - I won't be around again until Monday. We won't have our internet connection hooked up at the new place until Monday - so I'll have to learn to cope over the weekend without blogging. (OH.MY.GOD. I just realized that I will have to go the whole weekend without reading blogs or posting....WTF am I going to do?)

T minus 2 days and counting

2005-05-04T12:58:00.000-06:00

I've been trying really hard to keep everything at work super-caught up so that I won't have a mess to walk into Monday, after moving all weekend.

I don't know that it's working. And instead of busting ass and trying to get all this work done, where am I? On the freakin' computer working on my blog. 'Cause that's the smart thing to do.

T Minus 3 Days and Counting

2005-05-03T13:05:00.000-06:00

I am seriously stressed out. My family is seriously stressed out. I think even the cats are stressed.

I went to check out a daycare close to my office this morning. I really liked it. It's in a Federal Building, so it's WAY secure. You have to be buzzed in by security, then go through a metal detector - then you go down the hallway to where the daycare is where you have a code to gain entrance to the center.

The center is way nice. The 3 year old room is VERY clean, has little toddler sized sinks to wash their hands in, little toddler sized toilets to potty on (and unlike his current center there are more than two little toilets in the room). Currently, there are two teachers in the room and only 9 kids (my son would make 10). How's that for a student-teacher ratio?

So I'm going to go ahead and move his daycare too. Starting the 23rd. I'm figuring that he's already stressed about the move to the new house, I might as well just add insult to injury - but get it all over with at the same time. Rather than settling into a new routine at the new house and then three weeks later changing it with the new daycare.

I have to be a glutton for punishment, there's no other way this would make sense.

This is special for Kristine

2005-05-02T12:14:00.000-06:00

I don't like pictures of me. I always look so fat (which I am, but I somehow magically believe that I should look like a size 4 in pictures even though I'm closer to a 14). But this picture actually makes me look somewhat thin.

It also shows off my cute new (very expensive) haircut.

I still don't have a camera, but we had a minor flood at the building this morning that I had to take pictures of. I just so happened to have had to take some pictures of damage in this bathroom and I though - well, now I can post a picture of me - bigger than a thumbnail - on my blog.

Oh yeah - and check out the size of this camera. And it's only a 1.2 MP....thank God I don't have to use it all the time.

T Minus 4 Days and Counting

2005-05-02T12:00:00.000-06:00

My son is very upset about the move.

He spent all day yesterday getting into trouble and really regressing into bad, old behavior.

I tried as hard as I could to calm his nerves and to tell him that everything was going to be the same - we'd just be in a different house. His bed would be the same. His toys would all be coming with us. Mommy and Daddy will still be there with him. Princess and Winnie would still chase each other around the new living room. AND, in our new house, he would have a big yard to run around in, to ride his tricycle in, we were going to put up his swingset and get him a sand and water table.

He was having none of it. I feel guilty because he wanted me to sit down and play with him so badly yesterday, but all I could do is get to packing. I got a lot done, but there is still so much more left to do. I tried explaining to him that this weekend (past) was going to suck, that Mommy and Daddy weren't going to be able to play with him too much and probably wouldn't next weekend either. But after that - WHOA watch out. We were going to be able to play golf out in the yard and run footballs in for touchdowns. We are going to be able to sit outside in the beautiful Colorado summer and watch the sunset and read books together.

I know that once we're moved he is going to be fine. I am worried though, that we are also going to be changing his daycare. Not right away, but in the near future. How is he going to react to that? He is so little and his mind doesn't yet comprehend anything more than an hour from "right now". It's hard for me to prepare him for this, because the only way I can explain it to him is to have patience, that Mommy and Daddy only are doing this because it's best for all of us.

Does anyone know of a magic pill, if you will, that will ease his anxiety about the move? He crawled in bed with us this morning around 5:00 and when I got up at 6:00, he started screaming that "NO! I don't want to go to school. Mommy not go to work!" I sat with him and held him tight for a few minutes before I had to get up. I feel SO guilty about this. Even though I know it's what's best. These are the subjects that they ought to cover in the baby books. Not what to feed them, but how to emotionally take care of them.

Flying by the seat of my pants does not seem to be cutting it.

T minus 5 days and counting

2005-05-01T08:54:00.000-06:00

Y'all....I just don't want to do this. I mean, I want to move. I'm looking forward to our new place with the yard and all. I just don't want to pack.

I've been up since 6 this morning. I've read and commented on the blogs. I went up to Target to get a Mocha and some "packing supplies". Now, I'm about to get in the shower in hopes that it will motivate me to get packing.

I only have today. My husband picks up the U-Haul on Thursday night and will be moving our stuff Friday morning. Friday, I'll pick up our son from daycare and we'll go to the new house. I have to work all week, although I may be able to sneak out for a half day on Friday.... But by then, it'll be all unpacking. So today is it. I bought paper plates, plastic cups and silverware so that I could completely pack the kitchen today. I HAVE to get up off my ass and get moving.

I just don't want to. I'd rather just sit and watch TV all day.

This move is seriously sucking.

This just proves that I am the world's clumsiest person

2005-04-29T07:49:00.000-06:00

I was walking to my car in the parking garage last night. I was digging in my purse for my keys when I dropped something out of my purse. As I was looking down to see what I dropped, I somehow twisted my ankle up and as I tried to stand up straight, I lost my balance and fell. Seriously. I skinned my knee (which isn't the first time this year) and totally bruised my heiney. Thank GOD - and I mean THANK GOD - I don't think anyone saw me do it.

It's true, I can literally trip and fall down over nothing. NOTHING.

T minus 8 days and counting

2005-04-28T13:26:00.000-06:00

I think my husband found some boxes. Which means only one thing. Now someone has to pack them. And organize them. And that someone is going to be me.

Cause see, me and Mr. KC have this thing going on. I pack. He moves. I unpack. I also clean the old place and the new place while he moves. It totally seems unfair to me. I think that I'm doing WAY more work than he is. Of course, I'm also not the one who's lugging our washer and dryer around...but still. I have to start packing now. I'll be packing well into next week. He's going to move for a day - maybe two. Then the unpacking starts and will last for months. Maybe even years. Shit, it could be even for a decade.

This move is going to suck.

Something of which only his mother could be proud

2005-04-28T08:22:00.000-06:00

Warning: If you don't think fart jokes are funny, you're not going to like this post.

Last night, my son and I were snuggling in bed watching Alias. That was our first problem. He kept getting upset with me that they weren't singing the "Money" song. It took me 15 minutes, but I think I finally go through to him that Alias was the show about the spies. The Apprentice is the show about money and it's not on until tomorrow night.

He did, however, give me the inside scoop - now that we're down to the final four on The Apprentice. He says that Tana (nooooooooo) will be fired tonight, Alex next week and the final two will be Craig and Kendra -----> and the winner will be Craig. According to my 3 year old.

Now, on to the funny part. At least it was funny to me. He was sitting right next to me and let a big one rip. He looks at me and starts giggling uncontrollably and says simply "Mommy, I farted." To which I answered "Yes, I know. I heard it."

Then....then he tells me to pull his finger. So I do. And................nothing. Then he lets out this big "Ahhhhh" just like his Daddy does.

I could not control myself, I was laughing so hard. And we did it over and over again. Then I told him to show Daddy. Not only did Daddy not think it was funny, but Daddy also blamed Mommy for teaching it to him in the first place, which also made me laugh.

So if my son asks you to pull his finger - it's OK. Nothing is going to come out - except his hilarious "AAAAAHHHH". Pure comic genius. I'm telling you - my kid is the next Seinfeld....except for that we're not Jewish and we don't live in New York....but other than that - yeah - the next Seinfeld!

T minus 9 Days and counting....till moving day

2005-04-27T12:24:00.000-06:00

Our house is a wreck and we do not have a single box available.

This move is going to suck.

A terrible confession from a terrible mother

2005-04-27T07:51:00.000-06:00

I have to admit something. This takes big balls to admit.

I haven't truly "enjoyed" my son's company until recently.

I didn't enjoy the baby months. I wasn't sleeping - he wasn't sleeping...it was pure hell. I mean, I loved him. I truly, madly, loved him. I loved to smell him when he'd just had a bath (I also loved the WalMart lavender lotion). I loved to have him fall asleep on my chest as I lay on the couch. But I didn't enjoy his company.

I HATED the period between 15 months and about 2 years. I hated that they (because I know it's that age and wasn't just my son) don't listen to you. That you have to supervise them CONSTANTLY (not even a shower alone...) because they were always into something. I hated that age. I loved my son, but I hated that age.

I started to enjoy his company just as he hit the terrible two's and the tantrums outweighed the good stuff.

But now, well now....I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoy his company. Now, when we sit and read books he actually is interested in the story. He asks questions about the book and what's happening. He is thirsty for knowledge and I love that. He is more self-aware. He will tell me how he's feeling and if I ask him if he's happy - he'll answer "I am" or "No, not happy, I am angry." He's also concerned with the feelings of others. The other day, just out of the blue he asked me if I was happy.

His teacher at daycare and I were talking yesterday and she said he is the best in his class at being able to express his feelings with words rather than actions. While the other kids are still biting (YES - my son has been bitten by another child twice in the last month...), hitting, pushing, shoving or throwing a tantrum - my son - my son can turn to the other child and say "I don't like it when you do that." Or "I don't like when you take my toy". I'm so proud of him. That's a big step from toddlerhood to big kid land.

He's more interested in music now - which has always been a HUGE portion of my life. We listen to a wide variety of music - from toddler fare like The Wiggles and The Backyardagain's to jazz standards, classical, opera, hip-hop, R&B, hardcore punk, ska, country, Celtic, classic rock, folk....really you name it and we listen to it. Really. The other day, our CD player went from Waylon Jennings to Ice-T is one song. After Ice-T it skipped to The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. At night, I set his radio on either the jazz or classical station. Last night as I was tucking him in, the jazz station was playing some good jazz. My son and I sat on his bed while he played "air drums" and I played "air trumpet" along with the radio. We looked like idiots - but God....if you could have seen the smile on his face while we were doing it. It could have lit up half of Colorado.

His knowledge of animals is amazing. Two weeks ago, I was in the kitchen making some sandwiches when he came in and informed me that "Hippos eat grass". So that weekend, we went to the zoo. We must have sat and watched the Hippo's for at least 45 minutes. The hippo's were swimming in the water and then one got out. My son whispered to me "Mom, will the Hippo come and eat us?" I told him that I didn't think so and that he should think about what Hippo's ate. He thought for a second and then said "That's right! Hippos eat grass. I hope that Hippo will come over here and eat some grass with us". Then, not more than two minutes later ----that Hippo came over right in front of us and started eating the grass. My son got to see her teeth and how leathery her skin was and how big her feet were. He was in heaven. He can name almost all of the standard zoo animals and even some that aren't so standard. I love to sit with him and converse about the different animals and what they "do".

There's much, much more that he's doing now that I really enjoy. And not to say that there's not difficulty in our household still. It hasn't all magically gone away....can anyone tell me why a three year old boy WILL.NOT.EVEN.CONSIDER.USING.THE.POTTY?? (He can figure out how to shave his freaking head - but not how to use the potty....hanging my head in shame)

But, as terrible as it sounds. For the first time in three years, I remember why I so desperately wanted a child in the first place. He makes my life worth living. I wake up in the morning and smile because I know that he is going to crack a joke or tell me that he loves me or run up to me and give me the "Big Hugger" and the "Little Kisser" or the "Little Hugger" and the "Big Kisser" and I'm going to melt. Because I do.

I love you little guy. More than you will ever know. I'm glad that you're starting to become more than just my child. You're starting to become my friend and it's going to be amazing!

This has made my day

2005-04-26T08:10:00.000-06:00

I have finally found the perfect birthday present for my father in law .

Thanks Kristine for sending me to The Sarcastic Journalist for sending me over to Suburban Bliss in the first place. I can't believe I'd not been there before....

God, I'm such a blog virgin....

It's Official

2005-04-25T16:08:00.000-06:00

We will be moving in two weeks!!!

As much as I don't want to move. As much as I hate the physical acts of packing and moving and unpacking.

We found a great little (key word being little) house in the neighborhood I wanted with a HUGE yard for my son to run around and be wild in. We can put his swingset back up. He can ride his little tricycle around the yard. The yard is fenced, so that I can start dinner after work and my son can run around outside and I won't have to keep "as" close an eye on him.

I'm so unbelievably excited about our move. It will be soooo nice to not hear the family of 37 who live above us stomping around at all hours of the night. It will be soooo nice to be able to let my son go outside without worrying about him stepping in dog shit. It will be sooo nice to be able to sit outside on a summer evening with my husband and watch our son chase the cats around the yard.

So please, remind me in three days when I'm whining about the packing and the arrangements and the changing the phone and utilities.....that this is a very good thing!

The guy in the suit just may be right

2005-04-21T13:38:00.000-06:00

I was walking back from lunch and there was a well dressed gentleman standing outside the Washington Mutual office handing out flyers.

I assumed they were for the bank, so I took one. Instead I was treated to:

"The Burning Hell. Thousands of degrees hot and not a drop of water!"

Shit, I think he knew that I say fuck too much and that I've been voting on Pope Idol.

I made sure the flyer got a proper burial. In my recycle bin.

Nervous Energy - UPDATED

2005-04-21T07:45:00.000-06:00

I have my 60 day review today. I can't believe it's been 60 days since my promotion.

I'm pretty sure the review is going to be fine. I think my boss is happy with me, it seems I've caught some things that the last person in my position missed - so he's happy with my "eye for detail".

We are, however, going to discuss a pay increase, based on the new set of responsibilities I've been given.

I have to admit, I don't like salary negotiations. I mean, I know what I'd like to making (6 figures, expense account, company car). I know what the position probably pays everyone else. What I don't know is how much to ask for. I'm hoping that the question of "So, what do you think we should be paying you" will come up. I hate that question. I don't want to come in too low - because then I'm stuck there. But I don't want to come in so high that they think I've been smoking crack on my lunch breaks - KWIM?

AAAARRRRGGGHHH! I fucking hate this. The anticipation.

Well, anyway - I don't have too long to wait. We're on at 10:00. Today is going to be super busy after that, so I probably won't be able to post until tomorrow.

***************UPDATE***********************
The review went much better than I anticipated. I don't know exactly what my raise will be yet - it has to be approved by the corporate office - but my boss assured me that I will be happy with it.

I can't even begin to describe what a huge weight has been lifted - simply based upon having this over with!

(I totally feel like going outside and throwing my hat in the air, cause you know "I'm gonna make it after all")

In which I declare my sluttiness

2005-04-19T13:50:00.000-06:00

I met my husband on August 26, 1998. I actually met him before then, but we never really talked or anything before that night. We worked for the same company, but at different locations.

That night, I got drunk, he offered to drive me home, I let him, he came in, one thing led to another and we woke up together the next morning. I thought it was a one night stand. He thought it was a one night stand and now, after almost seven years and a child together, we both realize that it was not a one night stand.

This may give you some insight as to what I'm about to delve into. I have a relative who makes no bones about the fact that I'm a slut. It's never clarified to "was", so to me - it indicates that A) this person still thinks that I'm a slut - meaning that they also believe that I cheat on my husband or B) this person thinks that the magnitude of my sluttiness before I met my husband was so great that it negates my SEVEN YEARS of monogamy.

Anyway, I know that I shouldn't give a rat's ass about what this person thinks - but I do. Actually much of what this person has said to me or about me has led up to this mini-breakdown that I'm having. But today, we are concentrating on the slut in me.

I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior here, I did what I did with who I did. But, I believe that there are circumstances that make people tend toward a certain behavior set. For me, it was the fact that I was molested as a young girl by a stranger and faster than you can say "coverup" it was swept under the rug. My parents totally believed me about it. My father, in fact, grabbed his shotgun and loaded it before returning to the "scene of the crime" with me and my sister in tow. The police were called. I gave a statement. I pored over mug shots. They never caught the guy. After a few weeks, not much more was mentioned about it...it was just, you know, that "thing" that happened to KC. In fact, I didn't give it much thought until I was an adult.

I also lacked for a strong emotional connection with a male role model growing up. I won't get into details, but I spent a long time looking for a male to just.pay.some.fucking.attention.to.me.

Anyway, I was promiscuous as a teenager. I was wild and crazy in my early twenties. My "total" is in the double digits - not that it's anyone's business.

I don't regret a thing that I've done. But what bothers me, is that this is one of the first words that this particular relative will use to describe me. "Slut". KC is a "slut".

I don't know how to reconcile this in my head. I can rationally say that it doesn't mean a THING, what this person says or thinks about me. They are clearly judgmental and misguided in their attempt to define me. Everyone knows that I am really an Enigma. But in my heart, it hurts.

A Preview of What's To Come

2005-04-19T13:34:00.000-06:00

I stopped going to my therapist. It was getting too expensive and she was too far away to make it convenient for me to get to appointments.

So, I have been experimenting with self-therapy. I have written three or four posts which just ramble on and make no fucking sense, which I have spared you from. But, I feel like I do have to get some of these issues out into the open - or they are going to consume me. And I need to be focused and on top of things for the next several months as I try to prove myself in my new position at work, get my Real Estate license and (hopefully) help my husband with a job change, which will necessitate us moving.

I also feel like I've not been a very good mom lately. I have been really short with my son and yelling UH-LOT (to quote Kristine). I don't want to be a yelling mom. I find that I'm losing my patience with him more frequently and that I'm not playing with him enough. Me sitting on the couch in my jammies watching the Real World marathon on MTV while he plays with toys on the floor in front of me does not constitute quality time.

I've got a plan though. I'm going to get organized, which will help me be less stressed at work, which in turn will allow me to be more focused on my son during the small amount of time I have with him.

In the meantime, I have some issues I need to work through. I plan on writing about them. I am going to speak ill of some family members (some who may read this blog and may not expect it) and if I hurt their feelings - well tough. This is MY space, where I can write about whatever tickles my fancy and if they don't like, they can not read it. Period. This is my disclaimer: If you are worried about what I may/may not say about you in my blog, please don't read it anymore. If you plan on taking what I say in my blog and applying it in real life, please don't read it anymore. If you can not stand to see something that may offend you or criticize you, please don't read anymore.

There, you've been warned.

Orangsicly - goodness

2005-04-18T18:38:00.000-06:00

I am working on a post. I think it's going to be long. Long and cathartic. I just can not hit publish, because it's just not "right" yet.

So instead of my insightful and therapeutic post, I'm going to share my experience at work today.

I was leaving for work and waiting for the elevator. The woman who stepped off the elevator looked JUST like and Orangsicle. She was wearing the most pristine orange suit. She had on beautiful orange pumps. Her lipstick almost perfectly matched her orangey goodness of an ensemble. But it was her hair that got me. She had me at her hair. Her HAIR and eyebrows were the most delicious shade of orange that I wanted to put her in a parfait dish and enjoy her after bunch.

I don't want to be one of THOSE people

2005-04-17T15:36:00.000-06:00

But Romani Heart's pictures made me want to share mine.

This is Lady Winnifred Percival Snickerdoodle, our baby. She was Sir Winston Percival Snickerdoodle, because the people at the Pound told us that she was a he and we never bothered to check....until the vet called us and told us that they couldn't "neuter" our kitty. So after seven months as living as a boy, we had to change gears.

This is Princess Francesca Anjelica Applesauce III. She picked her name. I had found her mother giving birth in a vacant apartment and I felt that I had to give them a home until the kittens were old enough to be adopted out. We found homes for all of the kittens and the mother...but somehow ended up keeping her. I was pregnant when I finally found a good home for her, but the day the lady came to pick her up, I had broken down just bawling and had to call the lady to tell her that we would be keeping the cat.

What the fuck is wrong with a good fuck now and then?

2005-04-16T08:47:00.000-06:00

I've noticed at some of the other blogs that I read, there has been some discussion about the overuse of the word fuck. What I want to know, is there such a thing as overuse?

I love the word fuck. It has been my favorite word since I was 15 or 16. (seeing that I'm 29 for the fourth time, that would be for 16 years) It has so many uses. It can be a noun, a verb, an adverb, an adjective, a pronoun....it can be so much to so many. Does any other word have such flexibility in use? I don't think so.

I mean, everyone loves a good fuck. And although sometimes it's good to be fucked, most of the time it's bad to be fucked. People will fuck you up if you fuck with them. Have you ever told someone to get off your ass, for fuck's sake? It's the fucking greatest word EVER. EVER. I'm fucking serious. There's no fucking way I would lie about something with this much fucking importance in my life.

I honestly have no fucking idea how fuck got such a bad rap. Do I use the word at work?... sparingly of course. Do I use it at church? Fuck, no. Do I use it around my child? Maybe once in a while. But in conversation with friends and on my blog...Fuckin-A right I do.

Now get out there and enjoy your fucking weekend, for fuck's sake!

A short musing on protesters (and the like)

2005-04-15T12:30:00.000-06:00

You'd think that protesters and various people on strike would come up with a better chant than:

"Hey, Hey. Ho, Ho. (Fill in the blank) has got to go."

I mean, really. We've been listening to that same little ditty over and over again for decades!

Someone should really come up with a new slogan/chant/ song....something catchy like Chumbawumba's "Tubthumping"...You know, "I get knocked down. But I get up again."

Not that I'm the creative person to do so....but really. You'd think someone, somewhere could come up with something.

My anxiety attack de jour

2005-04-14T13:27:00.000-06:00

I just had to get up on the roof of my building.

I am deathly afraid of heights.

My building is a high rise, with no retaining wall to speak of. If a big gust of wind came along, i'd go tumbling down a 24 story building into traffic below.

I wasn't bothered by it at any of my other buildings, because they were all mid-rises (under 12 stories) and they all had a nice retaining wall that would keep me from falling off, say if I lost my balance.

I can't get up there without thinking about all of the ways that I could fall off the damn thing. I had a nightmare a couple of weeks ago that my husband, my son and I all were up there watching a parade and my son ran off and fell off the roof. I woke up in a SEVERE state of panic.

Now, everytime I have to get up there (which isn't too often, thankfully) I think about him falling off the roof. Like.I'd.ever.let.him.up.there.in.the.first.place.

But, still - it freaks me out nonetheless.

My family tree (only has one branch)

2005-04-13T08:03:00.000-06:00

Just kidding. Even though we are from Arkansas.

My mother's mother's side of the family has been traced back to Revolutionary America (my grandma's cousin did this. If you click on Families on the left hand side and then "Harton" from Jane - you'll start with Thomas Harton, who is my Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandfather. I am in the Eighth generation....my son in the Ninth. See if you can find me. I dare you. I'll even give you a hint - I was born in Colorado.)

I'm letting you in on this because my family is very close (on my mom's side). We have a reunion about every three years and there's generally 100-200 people at each one. I'm extremely close with all of my cousins - including second cousin's etc.

My mom's cousin, whom I was extremely fond of, died in his sleep Saturday night. Last night I sat down to write out sympathy cards for my Great-Aunt (who I love more than life itself....) and my mom's other cousin (his sister). It was extremely hard to sit down and write these cards.

I can not attend the services, since they are on the East Coast and I am flat assed broke. But I can't help but think that a card is a really inadequate way to express how truly sorry I am for them. Again, a mother burying her child and also again, a sibling watching their sibling being lowered into the ground. It just doesn't seem right.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me again. Just when I had my feet back from when Josh died.

I was watching Oprah on Monday and she made the comment that sometimes God speaks to us in a whisper and when we don't listen, he keeps getting louder and louder until he has to yell at us to listen. Until we learn what we are supposed to learn.

Obviously, God is yelling at me to listen, but I don't know what lesson this is that I'm supposed to learn. It's driving me crazy trying to figure it out. Maybe sometimes God isn't speaking to me at all?

The one in which I answer some commenters questions

2005-04-12T19:41:00.000-06:00

I'm going in reverse chronological order, so there's my rhyme or reason to this post.

Cecily - first on all, thanks for coming by and leaving a comment. I'm such a bad girl - I lurk at your site every day and only comment sporadically.... Anyway, to answer your question, I hate Lynette because I think she whines too much. They can obviously afford a nanny (since they had one before) so if the kids are too much for her, she can hire some help. She could also go back to work part time and put the kids in daycare part time, etc. I'm actually starting to hate most of the Desperate Housewives - except Edie. Who'da thunk that?

Melissa - No, the dentist didn't give me any pain meds. Since I only had fillings done I think that he figured I wouldn't be hurting later in the day....little did he know.

Kristine - I have not taken our little guy back to the doctor yet. They are doing some re-structuring of their offices and the only pediatrician who would be available this week was the infamous Dr. F. Turd is feeling better, so I decided that I'd rather take him in next week when I can see Dr. K. or the awesome Nurse Practitioner from their office.

As for the picture, you see - it's like this. There's not a lot of cash flowing through our household right now as we are saving up for our bankruptcy (now doesn't that sound like an oxymoron) and I have to get my real estate license and the classes for that are $1200. So, right now we are stuck with a crappy 1.3 mp Sony Cybershot that has juice spilled on the screen. I tried to take a picture with it last week and our computer has decided that it won't recognize it anymore... so I gave up. I did, however, manage to sneak in a self portrait with my work camera the other day... so here it is in all it's glory. Yes, you have to click to see it. I hate making it easy for people to see a really mediocre picture of me.

Romani Heart - I still don't know wtf tramadol is. But, I still have fond feelings toward my first spam comment. I've printed it and framed it, it's hanging over the mantel where the family portrait used to be.

Any more questions?

Reason #366,485 I'm a bad parent

2005-04-12T12:36:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I had every intention of taking my son to day care and enjoying a day to myself, spent sleeping and catching up with Poprah. (oops, I mean Oprah)

Instead, I got back from the dentist before my husband usually leaves to take Turd Ferguson to daycare. My son (Mr. Ferguson) threw a fit and starting screaming "NO! It's Mommy and me day! It's Mommy and me day!" Well, the Mom guilt got the better of me and I let him stay home with me.

Since I had felt like ass-on-a-stick on Sunday, I was trying to catch up the laundry which didn't get done. I was half paying attention when he informed me that his hair was going to go "Buzz". When he didn't return to the laundry room immediately, I ran to find him in our bathroom with my husbands beard trimmer.

And two bald stripes - straight down the middle of his head.

Now what do I do? He looks ridiculous. I didn't do anything about it last night and we sent him off to daycare looking that way today.

Do I shave the rest of his hair off and let it all grow in at the same time? And also take the chance that people will assume that he had lice, because why else would you shave off perfectly good little boy hair?

Do I just clip the rest of his hair fairly short, even though you'll still be able to see the baldy stripes....because then people will at least realize that *he* screwed up his own hair?

Do I just leave it be and let it grow in when it grows in? Keeping, of course, his regularly scheduled haircuts?

Just a little FYI in case it will help you decide what sage advice to give me. We keep his hair pretty short as it is. The barber uses clippers with a one guard on the bottom and a two guard on the top.

Shit, I feel like Lynette on Desperate Housewives when she had to shave the gum out of one of the boys hair. And everyone knows I hate Lynette.......

I love the smell of latex in the morning

2005-04-11T09:10:00.000-06:00

I had to have 4 fillings done this morning. My mouth still hurts. We had fun at Disney on Ice on Saturday. Yesterday I felt like ass on a stick. Today, I'm taking a vacation day to let my mouth heal.

I'll write more later if I feel better.

Irrational Mom Fear # 7

2005-04-07T08:45:00.000-06:00

They will never figure out what's wrong with my son. Last night he fell asleep in our bed and I swear woke up every hour on the hour crying because he couldn't breathe.

My husband is off today and tomorrow and is trying to get him into the doctors today. But come on people....you all have medical degrees and you can't figure out why my son's nose continues to plug up and he drools all the freakin' time???????? Hey-suess Christos. I really hope that my husband doesn't get the one Dr. F. who keeps trying to tell me that my son is allergic to our cats. My son went through the shitty-ass THREE HOUR + allergy testing and is allergic to...

NOTHING.

That's right. He's allergic to nothing, Dr. F. He has also had a CT scan done to determine that he gets recurring sinus infections. He's been tested for Asthma (doesn't have that either). We put him on antibiotics for 45 DAYS! 45 fucking days of that shit and what happens? We turn around two weeks later and he's sick again.

Would it fucking kill you doctors to refer him to an Ear, Nose Throat doctor to at least look at his adenoids (which has been suggested to us by several nurses, because, it may very well indeed be the cause of all the problems)?? Would it??

Fuck.

I just want my baby to be healthy. I don't want him to not be able to sleep at night because he can't breathe. I don't want him to have to take three changes of shirts with him to daycare because his drooling is soaking them through. Why can't these doctors fix him and make him better?

Tonight is Alias night!

2005-04-06T13:20:00.000-06:00

My poor husband is going to be left in the cold again. I can't wait for tonight's episode - it looks so good!

I am addicted to TV. I watch way too much TV. I am concerned about this, since my son is often with me as I'm watching way too much TV. But I have my week planned around TV nights.

Sunday night is Simpsons/Arrested Development then Desperate Housewives then Crossing Jordan.

I do not take phone calls on Sunday night and my husband and I tag team the parenting responsibilities during commercial breaks. My son knows better than to expect a really long goodnight ritual on Sunday nights. In fact, he goes to sleep during Desperate Housewives, so it's really, really quick.

Arrested Development is seriously the funniest show on TV. Why isn't anyone else watching it besides me and my husband? Please start watching it. It's great and it's in danger of being cancelled. I know it's on at the same time as Extreme Makeover Home Edition - but do like I do. Watch the first five minutes of Extreme Home Makeover to see the house before - switch to the Simpsons and then switch back to Ty and the gang while Arrested Development is in commercial.

Has anyone noticed that Desperate Housewives is getting kind of bad? They're starting to write the characters to be extreme caricatures of themselves (which is the problem I had with Friends the last two seasons). The only character I still love is Bree - Bree and her serious control issues. I'm starting to like Edie - now that they've fleshed her out a bit....But Susan and Lynette are getting laughable. Look! Lynette is being self-righteous and indignant and still can't control her kids. Wow! Susan is neurotic and clumsy and her daughter is making her decisions for her. Again. I really liked the show at first, but unless they step it up a notch, I'm not sure I'll be back next season.

Monday nights are for Road Rules/Real World challenges

This season happens to be The Inferno II - Good Guys vs. Bad Asses. I hate to admit this - but I am 29 years old (yes...I told you on my birthday, I will continue to be 29 until I can no longer get away with it. Just because I've been 29 now four times doesn't mean anything) and I still watch this crap. And not only do I watch the awful crap - but I care about what happens and my blood pressure actually goes up when someone does something stupid on there and pisses me off. Just for the record, this season I lurve Shavonda, the Miz, Dan (from RW Miami), Landon and I would just love to beat the living daylights out of Veronica, CT, Rachel, Mormon Julie, Beth S. and Karamo. And I do realize that I ought to grow up and start watching Masterpiece Theatre or something on the Discovery channel instead of this drivel....but I can't help it. I've been watching since RW 1 in New York and I can't seem to stop.......

Tuesday nights are The Amazing Race

My son and I watch this together. I think it's the only reality show that I'd be interested in going on. It's kind of like Road Rules (see above) but without the snarkyness. I was so glad to see Ray and Deanna get eliminated last week. I hated the way he treated her - like he was king shit or something. I really hope Rob and Amber don't win, because I hate them.....hate them, hate them, hate them, hate them. Oh yeah - I hate them. So even though it's so unlikely, I'd really like to see Meredith and Gretchen win. If they can't - I'd be OK with the Lynn and Alex or Uchenna and Joyce. Just not Rob and Amber - did I mention that I hate them?

Wednesday nights spell ALIAS!

I love, lurve, LOVE Alias. Although, I do wish they would go back to some more of the Rambaldi storylines, but apparently no one else did - which is why they went away from them this season. My husband hates Alias. Every time I'm watching it he just *has* to make some comment about how unrealistic the whole premise of that particular episode. And everytime I tell him "Honey - it's a TV show for Christ's sake.....not a documentary" It kind of reminds me of all the uproar within the Catholic church over The DaVinci Code not being historically accurate (ummm, when I found the book at Barnes and Noble - it was in the FICTION section, so I'm not sure about how historically accurate it needs to be). If you can't suspend your reality for a little butt-kicking action on Wednesday nights, well then, you're probably too stuffy for me :)

Thursday nights are reserved for The Apprentice and Without a Trace

I'm finding this season's Apprentice to hold my interest much more than the prior two. I think it's the "street smarts vs book smarts" angle. I never finished college, although I'm ten times smarter than many people I know who did finish. I've still managed to make something of myself without the little piece of paper....so I get angry when I'm looked down upon for not having a degree. I was quite upset last week when they interviewed Stephanie in the cab and she was all "the non-collegiates are just unpolished, they're rude and loud and just can't get a thing done....." blah, blah, blah. I know that she meant Chris and Angie - and they are loud and obnoxious and I think will be soon to depart. But Tana and Craig were also on the "Street Smarts" team - and they rock. I SOOO hope my Tana wins it all. I think the final two will be Tana and Bren. I think Chris will be next to get fired, followed by Angie, Kendra and then Alex.

This is another show that my son and I watch together. In fact, we were at dinner last Saturday night and I told him that he couldn't have something and he looked my square in the eye and said "YOU'RE FIRED". He even did the little finger point/hand gesture that The Donald does. Man, I never laughed so hard in my life....then I told him he couldn't fire me, 'cause I'm the boss.

Friday night is What Not To Wear

I wish that someone would nominate me for that show. I'd throw away all of my clothes in a heartbeat to have $5G to spend on some new threads. Either that or I wish they'd take the people shopping at Target and Wal-Mart - so that I'd know how to dress well on my budget. One thing that always irritates me when I'm watching this show is how people fight them on keeping their ugly ass clothes or on Clinton and Stacy's suggestion about what to buy. If these folks thought their way was working so well, why not tell them to fuck off when they show up with the cameras to offer up the makeover in the first place? I'm sorry, if someone was giving me $5,000 to spend on new clothes, I'd buy clown shoes if they told me they would make my ass look smaller.

You know, on Saturdays, we don't watch much TV. Of course Saturday and Sunday mornings are dominated by Playhouse Disney and Nick Jr. which leads me to an all day chorus of "Esau, turn the wheel" or the theme song from the Backyardigans. Maybe it isn't so bad that I'm exposing my son to so much TV. We also sing and listen to music (all kinds, from classical to jazz to country to hip-hop to punk and ska) and read books and play with "Let's Pretend" toys. I guess this is really a post about Mom Guilt.....again. Because my irrational mother fear #1,456,783 is that my son will grow up to be a big imbecile who is illiterate and dysfunctional all because I let him watch too much TV.

Is it possible to shrink during the course of the day?

2005-04-05T06:27:00.000-06:00

Because I swear that I do. When I leave the house in the morning, I usually re-adjust my rearview mirror because sometimes my husband will take my car somewhere over the course of the evening.

Yesterday morning I did just that. I got in the car, moved the seat around and made the mirror just perfect for me.

I left work yesterday and got into the same car that no one else had driven and the rearview mirror was too high. Now....how is that possible? I mean, it was set perfectly when I left the house in the morning.....how is it that it now needs re-adjusting so that I can make it home.

This isn't the first time this has happened either. So what I want to know is....am I shrinking during the day (you know, being oppressed by my job and all) only to stretch back out overnight as I'm sleeping??? Because if that's true - I think I'm going to claim workers comp.

This is for Romani Heart :)

2005-04-04T09:33:00.000-06:00

Here in Colorado - this is what we call a MOUNTAIN ;)

It's true. I am quite possibly the worlds worst parker in the universe.

2005-04-04T08:59:00.000-06:00

Even though I made a beeyootiful parallel park last Wednesday night (and it only took me three tries!!) Yes, it's true. I suck at parking. I think that it has something to do with my depth perception, as I am often running into walls with just my body as well. Let me tell you about the parking situation that I have.

In my lifetime of parking I have:

Hit a light pole backing out my Dad's Audi when I was 16. I swear the clutch jumped on me though and it wasn't my fault. I always wondered why he didn't let me drive the 911.

Hit a car backing out of a parking space at Planned Parenthood when I was 17. Luckily, I drove a beater and the lady whose car I hit also drove a beater. I think she felt sorry for me and decided that I didn't do enough damage to report it. Thank God too, because I'm not sure what my Dad would have been more pissed about: the car or the fact that I was picking up my birth control pills (although in my defense, my stepmom knew about "the pill" and she was cool with it).

Hit another car backing out of a space to go to lunch in high school. I think I was already 18 at the time. The thing with that one is that I don't think it was my fault. I looked and looked and looked and even double checked my blind spots. The car I hit was driven by two "frat boy" types and I swear they weren't paying attention and driving too fast. My grandparents ended up buying them a new $500 rear end bumper/tail light combo....even though the kid who was actually driving LIED and said he wasn't (because he didn't have a license and his parents would have KILLED him). It's OK though. They're super-dooper-Christians and I figure if it doesn't eat at their conscience for all eternity - God will judge them harshly for their lack of remorse. (So there Blair Grant and your stupid ass friend at Wasson High School in Colorado Springs, CO. I'll see you both at the 20th reunion and we'll talk again then. Bastards)

I did really well for a while after that. I only "just barely" hit walls and poles and the like.

Until I was trying to park in my garage at my apartments for the first time when I was 25. I thought I had the angle right and I went for it. I smashed in the entire front passenger side quarter panel.

My newest car has no passenger side tail light. I was backing out of a space and while looking in the rearview (because honest to God, I do look) I saw the light pole behind me and I *knew* that I had another foot (at least). CRUNCH. I apparently did not take into consideration the huge concrete base of the light pole which was four feet in diameter at least. AT LEAST.

I also have numerous dings and scratches and dents from where I have run into walls and other concrete barriers while trying to park my car.

I suck at parking.

The worst part about this all is that I am just as clumsy out of my car. You know Susan on Desperate Housewives? I'm pretty sure they based her on me. Except divorced, thin and GORGEOUS. I'm not those things. But I am clumsy and neurotic and overly concerned with what other people think of me.

Anyway, just in case anyone is wondering where this post came from........I, um.....kind of ran into the wall again this morning while parking in the garage. And not in a minor, I'm the only one who noticed it kind of way, but in a Anyone within a three mile radius heard the crunch and people stopped and stared way.

Yep.

Help him out - quick

2005-04-01T21:59:00.000-07:00

He still needs out help. We have until midnight PST April 1, 2005.

April Fools

2005-04-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

It's Friday....and it's April Fools Day.

My husband always gets me on April Fools Day and I can never come up with a way to get him.

Any ideas?

Feeling drained

2005-03-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

You know your day is going to start off badly when you roll over to turn off the alarm clock and think - wow, I can sleep in - it's Saturday, only to realize a few minutes later that it's not Saturday - it's not even Friday.

My son fell asleep in our bed last night. We've been trying to discourage it, but it seems that about once a week he ends up sleeping with us. After my shitty realization that it is Thursday, I rolled my ass over to face my day. My son grabbed onto my arm and started crying and begging me to "NOT GO WORK". I decided to lay down with him for a few more minutes and tried to explain to him that Mommy had to go to work for two more days and then we could have the whole weekend together ----- and maybe even go to the Children's Museum. Nothing worked. I finally had to just leave him in bed crying. He managed to fall back asleep before I left for work - but I've spent the entire day feeling bad about it.

I talked to my sister last night and she still hasn't heard back from her doctors about her fertility tests they did last week. We talked for a long time about the frustrations of miscarriages, infertility and the like. I hope that it helped her get a lot off of her chest. It did make me realize that I don't want to go through the roller coaster of trying to conceive again. My husband and I have floated the idea around for a while about waiting until our son is in Kindergarten and then adopting an older toddler. I just don't think it's in the cards for us to have another baby and maybe that's best for us. I don't look forward to doing the "baby" thing again...the late nights, the formula, the really crappy year of 12 months to 2 years old when they're in to everything but don't understand/want to understand when you tell them no. So maybe it will be the best option for us....who knows? We have a couple of years to think it over yet.

I tried all night long last night to get a hold of a girlfriend of mine who is getting divorced. I tried and tried and all I got for two hours was a busy signal. I hope that she's all right - I'll try again tonight.

I also tried getting in touch with my cousin, to make sure she's OK. I know that it's painful losing a grandparent and I hope that all three of my cousins and my Aunt are doing OK.

Anyway - today I'm feeling drained. I think I'm coming down with a cold and I just don't feel like giving it "my all" today. In fact, I'm so looking forward to going home and putting on jammies and jumping in bed to watch 'The Apprentice' and then falling asleep.

The phone rang at 6:00 AM

2005-03-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

It was my mother in law. I was worried at first, because no one calls at 6:00 AM unless it's bad news or they're just plain crazy. I'm now worried about my mother in law, because I think she may be just plain crazy.

She called to tell my husband about the skatepark and about a concert that she and a bunch of Josh's friends went to on Monday night. I'm listening intently to my husbands reactions to his mom over the phone, mostly because I'm nosy like that. Actually, I wanted to make sure everything was OK and that she didn't need us for anything.

After about half an hour my husband gets off the phone and tells me about the conversation. Apparently the insurance companies are being shitty about paying the hospital bills for my brother in law. Bad news one. Then, she tells him, the reason the auto insurance is being shitty is because the airbags never deployed, so they're thinking about suing Toyota. So it may drag out for a while and I'm being honest when I say that my mother in law is one step above poverty. She lives comfortably and is one of the happiest people I've ever met, but money is not something that comes out of her ears. If she has to take on a flight for life ride and a day in the ICU - it will break her. I really hope those insurance bastards get it figured out real quick. Bad news two.

My husband then tells me bad news three - I guess my mother in law was talking with one of the Highway Patrol men who responded to the wreck. Now, as you all know - the story we were all told was that Josh and Travis were thrown from the truck as it went end over end in the median. Josh landed in the median, almost buried in the dirt and Travis landed in the southbound lanes of the Interstate where he was then run over by a semi. During the week of the funeral, Travis's family started talking about going after the guy who was driving the semi. I personally thought it was useless, as I'm sure the driver of the semi didn't see him since it was dark and most likely didn't feel anything as he drove over. Now, we're hearing a bit more of why the family reacted the way they did and now - if what I'm hearing is true - I hope they sue the pants of the guy. So, bad news three, MIL talking to the five-oh.....When the Wyo Hwy Patrol arrived on scene both doors of the truck were open.

This means one of two things. Someone else stumbled upon the accident and looked in the truck for any remaining passengers and then.just.left. That thought makes me ill. The other possibility is that Travis was conscious after the accident and pulled Josh out of the truck. Then he walked into the southbound lanes of the Interstate and was hit by the semi. The cop told my mother in law that the semi's grill was very fucked up and that he had two blown tires and a blown out brake line. Now, a grill on a semi sits about two feet off the ground and goes up to about five or six feet - sometimes higher. The only way he could have sustained that sort of damage would be if he had hit Travis while Travis was standing up - meaning that Travis was alive and conscious at that point. And it also means the semi driver just drove away after hitting him. After my husband explaining this to me, I went and threw up.

Travis's mother has been through so much already and now it looks like she's going to have much more to deal with. I almost wonder if it wouldn't have been better to have just gone the rest of our lives thinking that both boys died instantly and while it was tragic, we can at least rest knowing that neither one of them suffered.

I can't imagine thinking about my son, pulling his unconscious/dead friend from a car accident, then confused and hurt himself trying to wander off for some help....and then......

I can't think about it. But yet, it's all I've been able to think about all day.

My grandma called last night. My cousin's other grandma passed away yesterday. I feel terrible for them, because this grief for Josh is still so fresh in my mind.

They say things always happen in threes, does anyone else believe that?

My son is smarter than my sister

2005-03-26T07:14:00.000-07:00

Last night I was talking to my sister on the phone. I hadn't talked to her in a week and she and her husband had some infertility testing done last week. I needed the update. I needed to know what was going on. My sister and I talked for a while about what was going on with her and then she had a mini-breakdown.

"Do you know how hard it is to hear about other people's pregnancies - especially the one's where the kid is 18 years old...?"

Oh little sister - do I ever. I remember my first 'confirmed' miscarriage. My husband and I were sitting in the waiting area of the hospital, waiting for our turn to see the ER doc and the whole room was filled with 18 - 19 year old girls. I clearly remember listening to one very angry girl complaining about how if she was pregnant whe was going to get rid of the baby - because the baby's father was an asshole.
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Ten minutes later we were told there was going to be no baby for us that time.

I used to come home from the mall crying. All of those pregnant women were just walking right up to me and sticking their HUGE pregnant bellies in my face and taunting me - 'Hahahaha - I have a baby in there and you don't'! At least they did in my reality. Seeing someone pushing a stroller with an infant in it was enough to send me over the edge for the day.

And it only took us a year to get pregnant. I can not imagine what it would be like to try for two, three years or longer and still not have a baby. Oh wait - yes I can.

My sister didn't realize that we never used any birth control after my son was born up until 2 months ago. So for almost three years, we never got pregnant. When we were living in Wyoming, I was so convinced that we were going to have another baby that I kept my son's crib up in his room - even though he had moved up to a big boy bed. I wanted him to be used to having it in there, so it wouldn't be a shock when the baby came. Month after month after month we tried and (obviously) nothing.

The worst part of this for my was the month of July 2004. My oldest cousin was two months pregnant and due in January. My little sister had just found out she was pregnant and due at the very end of February or beginning of March. Then my middle cousin announced her pregnancy - due in February. I was in the infamous two week wait and I was so convinced that I was going to be pregnant. I kept imagining the joy on my grandmother's face when she learned that in a span of three months - she was going to add four great-grandbabies to her family. After two days of living in my fantasy world - my period started. I cried myself to sleep that night and then picked myself up and went to work the next morning. Where my 19 year old leasing agent announced that she had just taken a pregnancy test that morning and -----you guessed it----she was pregnant. And the dad could be one of three guys. I spent a full week feeling sorry for myself. Until my little sister miscarried. Then I could focus my attention on her and helping her heal, so much so that I could forget about my own pain for a while.

After my husband and I split up (and got back together) I convinced myself that all I ever wanted was one in the first place. After all - when you get perfection the first time out - why bother trying again?

So after this long conversation with my sister, I asked my son if he wanted to talk to Aunt Lisa on the phone. He kept saying no - he didn't want to talk on the phone. So my sister tells me to tell him that the Easter Bunny was on the phone. I act like I'm letting my sister go and that there's another call I'm clicking over to. Then I ask my son if he wants to talk to the Easter Bunny. He's falling over himself because he can't get to the phone fast enough. He gets on the phone and here's what I hear on my end:

"Hi Easter Bunny."

Silence and listening

"Mommy - that's not Easter Bunny. That's Aunt Lisa"

I get my sister back on the phone and she tells me that she didn't even disguise her voice. She didn't think he'd catch on. Well, Aunt Lisa - you got BUSTED! Let that be a lesson to all of you. Unfortunately for me - my son has a mind like a steel trap. We have to get up really early in the morning to pull one over on him.

Does anyone here do a good Tooth Fairy?

EEEEUUUUWWW

2005-03-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

I am temping at another project in our portfolio while they search for a permanent employee (at which time I will go back to my building).

At this building, there is the main office for a certain political party with whom I disagree with just about everything. I had to go in there just now to deliver a rent invoice and a notice. It was filled with propaganda for a man whom I despise soooo deeply that I can't think about it too long or my head will explode.

I need some Listerine from where I just puked a little in my mouth.

If I'm ever in a coma or dead - here's what to do to me....

2005-03-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

Anyone who is not living under a rock these days has, I'm sure, taken notice of Mrs. Terri Schiavo of Florida. My husband and I sat down last night to have a serious conversation on the topic of wills and living wills. We also had the conversation last week about funeral arrangements. Yes sir, it's been a happy week or so in our household. Happy times indeed.

You see, we know we should have them, but have never taken the initiative to get them done. (I read somewhere this week that one company's requests for living wills has increased 600% this week because of the media coverage of the Schiavo situation.) I think that we both know that neither one of us wants to stay alive in a vegetative state or have life support if there is no chance that we can live on our own. But because of all of the hoopla regarding Terri Schiavo, we've both realized that expressing our wishes to each other is simply not enough. So this morning I decided that I'm going to tell a third of my family to let me die, another third of my family to keep me alive no matter what and the other third of my family that I want to be cryogenically frozen and brought back to life when they can fix me. Don't you think that will make for some interesting discussions around the hospital bed????

In all seriousness, I decided to blog today about my wishes, just in case something were to happen to me before we get these wills done. Because my son is three and we still don't have a legal document that would award his custody to someone. We're obviously big fat procrastinators. And lets face it - what could be a more legally binding document than my blog - where I post semi-anonymously??

So - the person I want to make decisions on my behalf when I can't is my husband. I don't want to be kept alive by artificial means if the doctors feel that there is no chance for my recovery. Although, I would like to be examined by more than one doctor - because sometimes they make mistakes, you know? So if my doctor and another health care professional decide that I am likely to die within a short period of time and that life support would only delay the moment of my death I do not want life-support. If I have permanent and severe brain damage and my doctor and another health care professional beliebe that I will not recover I do not want life support. If I am in a coma and am not expected to wake up or recover then I do not want life support. If I am in the end-stage of a terminal illness I do not want life support. I do want any usable organs donated. After smoking as long as I did, I doubt they'd want my lungs, or my liver. I'm pretty blind - but a completely blind person might appreciate my eyes. I think my kidneys are probably in decent shape. Same with my heart.

I want to be cremated. I would like everyone attending my services who wishes to take a little jar of ashes with them and every time they travel - let a little bit of me go. Yes, I know it's illegal in some place to release ashes - - - but I think that makes it all the better. I love to travel and I love the idea that I will be EVERYWHERE. Almost OMNIPRESENT. I love that.

Obviously, if I were to die, our son would stay with my husband. If he were to go with or before me, then I want my son to go to Bill and Melinda Gates. I know they will take great care of him. OK - if they won't take him, then he is to go to my sister and her husband. Under absolutely no circumstances is he to go to ANY of his grandparents. No offense to any of you - but look how bad you screwed us up - do you think I'd let you screw up my kid too??? Besides - you're all old now --- and none of you really want another teenager around.

So now everyone knows about my wishes. Hmmmm......maybe I can put off calling the attorney for another five years or so.

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Also, speaking of the Schiavo case, there's something that I don't understand. This has been bothering me since the election...I'm not trying to stir anything up or be smart or sarcastic...I genuinely don't get this.

All of the Christian conservatives who voted for Bush for his pro-life stance and who are applauding him today because of his emergency Congressional session for Terri Schiavo's life....why aren't they more intently protesting the war in Iraq? We are killing innocent children, not just fetuses, but living breathing children and other innocent victims - not to mention our own troops, and that's OK? Also, did they not realize that when Bush was Governor of Texas that he presided over more executions in his four years than in the entire history of Texas up to that point? Weren't those lives worth our compassion as Christians?

Again, not stirring the pot - but if anyone knows how/why that makes sense, could you please clue me in - 'cause I don't get it..... If all human life is precious and valuable and we should err on the side of life, in my humble opinion that means ALL human life - including criminals, our military and the citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan.

Before anyone jumps to conclusions about my politics- I am very moderate. I don't believe in abortion as birth control, but I think in some situations it is necessary. And it's not my place to decide for someone else. I do not believe in the death penalty - ever. I was all for going to Afghanistan and kicking some ass - but am very opposed to our situation in Iraq, because I think that we were misled as to why we were going in. However, if Canada tried to invade us tomorrow - I'd be all over kicking Canada's ass.

I really and truly try to see all sides of a situation and this is one of those cases where I can't understand the logic. Perhaps someone can explain it to me?

What classic movie are you

2005-03-21T12:32:00.000-07:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Wow - this makes me sound like a nice person..........I love quizzes like this!

March 20, 2002

2005-03-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

My details of this day are fuzzy and vague at best. I remember certain things very clearly - others....not so much. I am going to attempt to recall as much as I can the best I can :)

6:30 AM - Arm up the crotch. Starting to thin out. They're thinking though, if it doesn't start to pick up soon that I'm going to be sent home.

7:00 AM - I realize that I took my diabetes pill last night and haven't eaten since. My blood sugar is very low. The nurses don't believe me until I test in front of them. I immediately get a glass of apple juice and am told that I can apple juice throughout the day to keep my blood sugar level.

8:00 AM - Mom gets to the hospital. I was really glad she was there, even though I wasn't sure beforehand if I wanted here there or not.

8:15 AM - Dr. Fowler comes in to check on us. She starts the Pitocin. I get hooked up to all of the little monitors. From this point forward, I won't be getting out of bed without a nurse's permission and help.

8:30 - 10:00 AM - Random fists up the crotch.

10:00 AM - a nurse declares that I'm not progressing, even with the pitocin and that I might be getting sent home.

10:01 AM - I start freaking the fuck out. There is no possible way in the history of possible ways that I am leaving that hospital without a baby on the outside of me.

10:15 AM - Dr. Fowler comes back and I tell her that there is no possible way that I am leaving without a baby on the outside. She breaks my water. Once the water is broken they won't let you go home because of risk of infection. She also thinks that we might speed things along by breaking the water.

10:16 - 11:59 AM - More random fists up the crotch. I think my husband fielded a bunch of phone calls from "everyone" about what's going on.

12:00 PM - My father and his new wife show up. My husband and mother head out to grab a bite to eat since I have some "company". My father's new wife almost gets volunteered to take the next fist up the crotch...only it was going to be my fist and her ass. If she had made one more comment about me getting up to walk around (because it would speed up my labor) even though I had made it clear to her that with all of the monitors I was connected to that it took three nurses and my husband just to get to the toilet....luckily the nurse came in to shove her fist in the crotch and it made my dad uncomfortable to even think about it. They left - and it was my favorite fist in the crotch of the day!

1:30 PM - After the latest fist in the crotch, they determine that I'm still not dilated past a one. Dr. Fowler says - "We're turning up the pitocin". KC says "Yeah! Rock on! Let's get this show on the road!"

2:35 PM - KC says - "You know what, funny thing about this pitocin. Since you've turned it up, I'm not getting any breaks between my contractions. Can I get a tylenol?" (On this point, I'm serious. I honest to God asked the nurse for some tylenol.....I remember this clearly, because the nurse laughed her ass off at me and said that tylenol wasn't going to cut it at this point.)

2:40 PM - I agree to the epidural. I'm in mass amounts of pain. I'm getting no break between the contractions AND with the epidural - they can really turn up the pitocin.

2:45 PM - Here comes the man of the hour. Mr. Anesthesiologist! I actually let him stick a needle in my back. The last thing I remember is the nurse asking him if he's sure. He tells her "Yes, for her height and weight - that's the dose". I tell the nurse I'm feeling nauseous and that I think I'm going to hurl.

3:00 PM(ish) - I look up at my husband who is standing over me with empty packages of some kind in his hands. I look over at my mother in the corner who has tears running down her face and she's white as a ghost. I ask if everything's OK. I don't get an answer right away. I start freaking out because I'm thinking that something is terribly wrong with the baby.

It turns out that I am one of a freakishly small amount of women whose blood pressure drops dangerously low after an epidural. My blood pressure dropped to 60/40, they lost the baby's heartbeat for a while and had to pump me full of epinephrine to bring my blood pressure back up to normal. But the baby was fine.

3:15 PM - I get a catheter and the baby gets an internal fetal monitor.

3:30 PM - Yet another fist up the crotch, but this time, I can't feel it!

4:20 PM - My sister and my grandmother show up. Dr. Fowler comes in and checks me again. I've now dilated to just under a two (aka a one).

5:00 PM - My mother and husband again leave to try and eat something.

5:15 PM - Several nurses are running into my room and looking at the monitor. NOW, I'm freaked the fuck out.

5:16 PM - My regular nurse tells me that we're going to have to have a c-section. Right away. Every time I have a contraction, the baby's heartrate is dropping. Since I haven't dilated enough to start pushing, it's going to be a c-section. I tell her "I don't care if you have to pull him out of my ass. Just get him out."

5:30 PM - I go into OR.

6:00 PM - I'm prepped for surgery and my husband is allowed in.

6:05 PM - My husband and I make small talk with the anesthesiologist.

6:15 PM - I ask the anesthesiologist when they're going to start cutting. He tells me that they're close to bringing the baby out.

6:20 PM - The anesthesiologist makes my husband stand up and watch our beautiful baby boy make his way into the world. He joins us weighing in at 8 pounds 4 oz and was 20 inches long. He is not processing oxygen the way they would like to see him, so he's off to the NICU. I start freaking the fuck out again and make my husband go with the baby to the NICU and start asking when I'll be able to get in there with him.

7:00 PM(ish) - My husband is still in the NICU. I get wheeled into recovery. I get to talk on the phone with my husband in the NICU who tells me that our son is doing fine, they just wanted to monitor him for a while longer. Apparently, it's common with c-section babies to have problems breathing at first because they don't get all of the fluid pushed out of their lungs the way vaginally delivered babies do. I host an array of visitors in the recovery area.

The one I remember most is my niece. I felt terrible for her, because I was really puffy looking and I was shaking terribly from all of the anesthesia wearing off. She was 8 at the time and she was so freaked out. I kept trying to reassure her that I was OK and the baby was OK and that all of my shaking was from the medicine wearing off. I don't think that she believed me until the next day when she came back to visit and she realized we were all good.

8:00 PM(ish) - I finally get wheeled into the NICU so that I can hold him. He looked so good! He already had a binky in his mouth and they just had him on the little oxygen tube. I wish I could put into words what it was like to hold him for the first time. I just loved him so much already that it was overwhelming. It's like, if I sat and tried to think about it, I might explode from the sheer volume of love that I had. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

8:30 PM (ish) - I get wheeled into my room. I finally got something to drink.

10:00 PM(ish) - They release my son from the NICU and he comes upstairs with us. My husband finally got to hold him. I didn't realize that in the four hours he was in the NICU that they hadn't let my husband hold him. Looking over at my husband holding his son was another moment that I wish I could find the words for. It was so RIGHT.

11:00 PM(ish) - We ask to have our son taken to the nursery so that they could monitor him and we could get a decent nights sleep, since we were both so tired.

12:00 AM - The freaking Nazi of a nurse comes in and wakes me up so that I can try and stand up. I am pissed, but she makes it up to me by bringing me a Demerol.

We lucked out the rest of the four day post c-section stay. Our hospital had semi-private rooms and by all rights we should have had a roommate, but we never did. My husband swears that it's because we were so nice to the nurses. He's probably right. We gave them all of the cookies and leftover goodies we had. We were always pleasant and polite. My husband would grab them lunch if he went out. They let my husband sleep in the other bed in the room for the whole four nights. They also brought him the extra snacks the cafeteria had brought up for patients who had already checked out.

I can't believe that it's been three years. I look at my son now and I can't believe that it's been that long. But there is definitely not a baby looking at me now. Of course, as his mother, I have to brag.....but seriously, not a day goes by that he doesn't make me smile and bring this flood of emotion so large and overwhelming that if I stood in one spot too long, it would overtake me.

Happy birthday baby boy!

A Random note about Blogger Spell Check

2005-03-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

Blogger spell check flagged "GESTATIONAL" as a word it didn't recognize. But it let "LESTER" and "MOLESTER" through as recognized (and therefore correctly spelled) words.

March 19, 2002

2005-03-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

Three years ago today at about this same time, I awoke to a nurse literally shoving her fist into my nether regions to "check how I was progressing" I can honestly say (since I had an epidural early) that this was the worst pain I felt during my labor. I've decided today to blog my labor story, because it's been three years and I've never written it down. Even today, the details are starting to become fuzzy, so I don't want to wait another three years to get it down.

On my last OB/GYN appointment on March 13, 2002 I had to do my usual routine of going to the hospital first for the Level II ultrasound in which they checked to see if the quality of my amniotic fluid was still acceptable. Apparently, gestational diabetes and good amniotic fluid do not necessarily go hand in hand. I made it to my OB/GYN's office and met my mom there who had come to see the ultrasound that my OB/GYN was going to do. (This time to measure how big the baby was, since I was measuring in the extra large baby range) At the end of the appointment Dr. Chan decided that it was time to schedule an induction. I wasn't due until March 27th, but she felt that the amniotic fluid want going to make it that long and that the baby was getting to the point of being ridiculously large. She wanted me to check into the hospital the night of March 20 and begin the induction. Since that meant there was a good chance that he would be born the next day, I begged and pleaded to bump it up a day to March 19, so that he would most likely be born March 20. That way, I explained, I could have a Picses instead of an Aries. I already lived with one pain in the ass Aries boy and I didn't want two.

I made that Friday, March 15 my last day at work and spent the next four days in a state of panicked "Hurry up and Wait!" By the time March 19th got rolling around I thought I was going to explode. We were scheduled to check into labor and delivery at 8:30 PM, so when my husband came home from work at 6:00 I made him take me to the mall. Because there was no way I could sit at home for two.more.hours. We wandered around the mall, making sure that there was nothing else "last minute" that we needed to buy for the baby and at 8:25 PM were standing in front of the front desk of Memorial Hospital's L&D floor.

We checked into our room and I get to put on the beeyootiful hospital gown that doesn't cover the ass. We started to settle in and the "fisting" started. This nurse had to stick her entire arm up my crotch to see if I had dilated at all yet. Turns out I hadn't. I hadn't thinned out, hadn't dilated -----> in fact, I was no where near "ready" to have a baby. So she gets some cervadil and again sticks her entire lower arm up my crotch to apply the cervadil (to 'ripen' up the cervix). Then she tells us to settle in and get some sleep. This part is pretty fuzzy for me....it was boring so I didn't pay much attention. I think that we called "everybody" to update them and then tried to get some sleep. I remember my poor husband trying to sleep on the little chair/bed that they have in the L&D rooms and how much he hated it. I think I had to ask him to turn the TV off at some point because while it may have been helping him sleep it was keeping ME awake and let's be honest here....who was going to be doing most of the work??? Did HE need to be well rested? Not only no, but FUCK no. We spent the overnight hours being awoken periodically by Lester the Molester in a nurse's outfit coming in to "check my progress". By morning, I'd felt like a porn star.

Feeling unsettled

2005-03-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

I read something yesterday that still has me feeling unsettled. It was:

"You'll never regret having another child. But you MAY regret not having one."

Today, I don't want to have that regret. What, my blog buddies, do you think? Is it selfish to only have one child? Will my son suffer irreparable damage if I don't have a sibling for him? Will I regret not having another one?

I Can't Believe It's Thursday already

2005-03-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to say - because I'm mad at myself for not saying it before....Thank You! Thank you all for your kind comments in the past week. It really has meant a lot to me to hear such wonderful, supportive words from my blog buddies! Thank you also for your ideas for the skate park. My husband is really taking this over and I have passed your comments on to him.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program - ME!

I am feeling a lot better this week. Except for one thing. My stupid ass father in law. He is not Josh's dad - Josh was my husband's half brother, they shared a mom. My father in law and my husband have not been talking since we split up this past summer. Over something ridiculous. My father in law also thinks that I'm a bitch for leaving my husband in the first place (My father in law is also a functioning alcoholic - which should tell you something about why he thought I should 'stick it out').

He ignored my husband at the funeral. I tried to talk to him at the luncheon at the church after the services. Worst of all - he completely ignored our son. His own grandson. The one who's named after him. He acted like an immature teenager who had just been told he couldn't use the car that night. Real mature - you know.

So anyway - I talked to my husbands step-mother last night and she was upset because she really wanted to come down for my sons birthday this upcoming weekend and go with us to his Chuck-e-Cheese party. Apparently, my father in law didn't want to come see us - surprise, surprise - and now she can't come because she doesn't want to make the drive by herself.

So, I am writing an open letter to my asshole father in law today. There's a good possibility he's going to find it and read it - since a lot of my husband's family were introduced to my blog this past weekend. But you know what - I don't care. I don't have the balls to tell him to his face, but I can be extremely passive-aggressive and write it out here.....for him to perhaps discover someday. You know what? He already hates me - here's some fuel for his fire:

"Dear Father-In-Law who my husband thinks (thought)

so highly of that we named our son after you: I found your behavior at the funeral last weekend to be atrocious. You flat out ignored your son after he lost his brother. I understand there has been some tension between the two of you in the last year - but this was not the time nor the place to display such feelings. You would think that such a tragedy would have opened your eyes to let petty squabbles go. I would be wrong. So let me let you in on some little secrets.

You were not father of the year. You were a drug addict and then a (functioning) alcoholic. After you and my husband's Mom broke up, two of your three children ended up in foster homes because neither of you were fit parents. My husband may well have been better off in a foster home than with you - but that's neither here nor there at this point. The difference between you and my husband's Mom is that she can admit that she was fucked up. She can admit that she wasn't a good mom and that once she got clean - she changed. And worked really hard at it. And became a good mom. So for you to sit and criticize the way my husband and I raise our son (or any of your stepchildren or your oldest daughter) is asinine. I find it humorous. In fact, it makes me realize that we are doing a great job with our son. He is bright and funny and polite and adventurous and loving. We must be OK. I also think you're a moron for the way that you treat your

son. He isn't five anymore. He needs to make his own decisions - even if they differ from how you would do them. And you know what - he's going to make mistakes. Big ones. Huge ones. We all do, that's how we learn and grow as human beings.

You are a (functioning) alcoholic. You probably did not think that your son (my husband)'s drinking was "that bad". Well, buddy, let me tell you. It was that bad. I lived with it every day for six years before I couldn't take it anymore. And for you to be upset that I didn't come running to you and your wife when I did finally leave is retarded. Would you have wanted your son to run to my Mom and Dad in the same situation? No, you would have wanted him to come home where you could help him. You don't even realize that your son has not had a drop to drink since August. You either don't realize or care how hard that has been for him. Because it has been tough - and he's doing a good job.

So guess what 'Dad'. I'm over you. I've been trying to figure out what to do to get back in your good graces since August and haven't come up with anything yet. And last night, on the phone with your wife, I realized that you are a selfish, bitter man who can't stand for things to not be 'your' way. So, we're not trying anymore. And when in a few years, you decide to reflect back on your life and realize that the grandson who was named after you is grown and doesn't know you or care about you - you can rest assured that it was your fault.

If you and my husband want to make amends - I'm going to support it 200%. Because it will be important to my husband and I only want the best for him. You'll never even see a little bit of resentment from me. 'Cause I'm a bigger person that way. But if you never do reconcile with your son - I won't mind that a bit either.

Oh yeah - lastly, maybe you could show some maturity and grow the fuck up and get over yourself."

Eek - do I sound angry and bitter???? Probably. (OK, I know I do.) But I also feel better for having got this off my chest. And like I said - if he does stumble across this - I'll deal with the consequences.